Do Something Silly

One of the things I’ve learned and accepted about myself since confronting my issues with anxiety is the fact that I over-think absolutely everything. I’m sure those of you reading this who have experienced the same issues will totally relate to what I’m saying. I constantly fear judgement, criticism and ridicule. As a result, I often find myself acting in a manner that really doesn’t feel natural. Sure, we all must act professional and mature in certain circumstances. Sometimes, however, being an adult means we neglect our inner child, or in my case, my inner goof. So I am urging you, dearest reader, to find that silly eejit who lives inside all of us. It’s liberating but above all, it’s fun. Here’s me playing around on Snapchat.

If anyone wants me, I’ll be hurling eggs at passing cars.*

*No I won’t because that’s a) dangerous and b) I’m actually making an omelette.

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Sooo…hi there! 

Hi guyssss! 

I’m sorry it’s been *looks at watch* FOREVER but…well, I have a bunch of excuses. Does anyone even remember me? If not, I’m the one who likes owls and teaches her cat useful tricks, like card counting and Olympic diving. 

So I disappeared again. 2016 has been weird man. I made it my goal to get super fit and healthy and that kinda happened. I have really never felt so energetic *does 100 lunges while balancing monthly budget* Seriously though, I really made an effort this year to improve my standard of living and I just feel so much better, as evidenced in these insanely narcissistic and filtered as f**k selfies. Just look at the big happy head on me there.

Besides taking superfluous selfies, I’ve been teaching and I moved house a couple of times. I’m a lot more settled now in a lovely cottage. 

Remember my other half, Jack? Yeah, that almost went south but we managed to claw our way back and we’re really trying now. I’ll blog about all of that soon too! I’m just back from a lovely holiday with my best friend where I partied too much and got sunburnt. Standard really. 

I’m sure a million other things that are at least mildly interesting have happened to me, but I want to hear about you now. Talk to me. Have some tea. Tell me about your summer. 

2014: A Ridiculous Review

What does 2014 have in common with Kim Kardashian’s arse? We’ll be happy to see the back of it…wait, that didn’t quite come out the way I wanted it to…moving swiftly on.

Anyway, 2014 was an eventful year. Sure, hovercrafts are yet to be invented, but we’ve still come a long way…if you ignore our obsession with the Kardashians and bathroom selfies.

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Here’s a list of things that happened in 2014:

We got 200% more vain

If you happen to be a statistician (you must have bitchin’ Christmas parties), you’ve probably already calculated a 2,000,000% rise in selfie taking. After this photo became the most retweeted picture of all time, we were all thinking the same thing: I want Meryl Streep to be my mom…and that this photo would have been 63% better if Bradley Cooper had been able to extend his arm just a little further (despite all the Limitless pills he’s been taking). Well some genius decided that this problem could be solved by inventing possibly the most useful accessory since beard baubles…the selfie stick! No more would Liza Minnelli be left desperately trying to fit in like the last kid picked for basketball:

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The selfie stick seems to be really taking off, despite Regina George’s scepticism:

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We* proved how awesome we can be

In November, the ESA landed a probe on a comet. ON A COMET. It was an absolutely amazing feat and an astounding reminder of just how far we’ve come in the last one hundred years. As amazing as it was, it was a little overshadowed:

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Which leads nicely onto the next point…

Kim Kardashian’s ass can probably be seen from space

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It’s hypnotic. But also, it needs to go away. Let’s just cover it up.

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Ah, there we go.

Dracula is alive and well and apparently is a a Uruguayan striker

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I vont to chew your shoulder!

To be fair to Luis Suárez, it was just very unfortunate that he happened to trip and fall teeth first into Chiellini’s fleshy shoulder. Could have happened to anyone.

It’s totally okay to write a song slamming “skinny bitches” as long as it has a really catchy beat

And what about those of us who like treble? WHAT ABOUT US?!?!

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Robin Williams’ death broke all our hearts

And man, he is missed:

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A lot of people threw icy water over their heads for a great cause..

….but you got the feeling some people didn’t really get what the original point of the whole thing was so just ended up throwing water on themselves for no reason…which is essentially a wet T-shirt contest.

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Facebook has gotten 110% more douchey

As annoying as some Facebook fads can be, when they’re for a good cause, it’s hard to complain. When they are for no cause whatsoever (other than pure self-indulgence)…well that just makes me want to start throwing things. This year I was “nominated” to share ten albums that have influenced me in some way. That doesn’t seem so bad, right? Except for the fact that it’s totally pointless and even worse, the majority of my friends were posting up the most obscure albums just to out-douche each other and say “hey, look at me, look how unique and trendy I am compare to everyone else.”

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Some people were really, really stupid

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The worst part of this is that the girl is English…

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Some fads were kinda nice

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Loom bands for everyooonnnneeee!

Others…not so much

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This term needs to be put into a shed with the Kardashians and hipsters, and that shed needs to be locked. Forever.

Our phones got huuuuge

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Although, personally, I’ll always want this phone:

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So that was 2014…pretty much. Happy Almost New Year everyone! Here’s to a fabulous and random 2015.

Why don’t you tell me your New Year’s resolutions while I judge how ridiculous they are admire your courage?

*By we, I mean scientists…totally awesome scientists.

What I did instead of writing this blog post

Today at work I was all like “I’m gonna go home and write the BEST blog post ever. I’m gonna write the crap out of it!” I had copious amounts of coffee, a motivational chest bump with one of my colleagues (bad idea, ouch) and I came home. I sat down to write.

And then I procrastinated, which is never a good thing. Just ask Hamlet.

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Here are the things I did instead of writing a blog post:

1. I plaited all my hair.

2. I unplaited all my hair and then gazed in awe at all the wavy goodness.

3. I took a no makeup selfie, because they are all the rage right now.

4. I played flappy bird and then shouted obscenities at my phone. Flappy motherf***er.

5. I juggled with cucumbers.

6. I had an imaginary argument with my annoying neighbour where my best comeback was “so does your mom”.

7. I waltzed with my cat.

8. I spit popcorn into my belly button like the classy b**ch I am.

9. I picked up my guitar and remembered that I can’t play.

10. I shouted “there’s no Santa Claus” at the kids who kicked a ball against my car.

And then I did this.

Did you have a productive day?