A Tour Through My Very Weird Camera Roll

Happy weekend everyone! LETS GO CRAAAAZY AND DO SHOTS! Haha, not really, let’s wear onesies and watch Finding Nemo.

So today Jack needed to send a text from my phone. I left the room to do important Jane stuff (eat marshmallows and line dance with my cat). When I came in, Jack looked confused.
“What’s up?” I asked, taking my phone back.
“Um, nothing”, he replied, eyeing me suspiciously.
“What?” I prodded. It was obvious something was bothering him.
“Your camera roll on your phone…is…really weird.”
“What else would you expect?” I asked, laughing. He’s right, by the way. It’s insane. Let’s take a look at some of my pictures, shall we?

IMG_4294.JPG
There this photo of a dog that I don’t own because cute dogs are to me what supermodels are to teenage boys.

IMG_4273.JPG
I’m not even gonna feel bad about this, it’s gold.

IMG_4259.JPG
Ditto.

IMG_4256-0.JPG
I like to intermittently send this to my friends when they text me gossip.

IMG_4253.JPG
And this if for when they insult me. Sorry not sorry.

IMG_4252.JPG

IMG_4251.JPG

IMG_4249.JPG

IMG_4250.JPG
You’re probably sensing a theme here. And yes, there are dozens more of these. Seriously, if I’m ever hacked, this is 97% of my camera roll.

IMG_4292.JPG
I also like to photograph the back of my head…for art. And research.

IMG_4171.JPG

IMG_4190.JPG
There’s an estimated 6000 pictures of my cat asleep. She’s majestic.

IMG_4154.JPG
I love Steven Seagal.

IMG_3858.JPG
Here’s a woman I don’t know!

IMG_3591.JPG
Escargot, aw haw haw!

IMG_3577.JPG
Messi looks like Eric Bana, yes?

IMG_3560.JPG
I send this to Jack because he is smarter than me.

IMG_3101.JPG
I’m sure there’s a good reason I have a picture of Emily Dickinson in my phone…

IMG_2966.JPG
WHY WOULD SOMEONE HAVE THIS IN THEIR CAR??!!!

IMG_2935.JPG
I gave Jack a makeover.

IMG_2775.JPG
My cat decided she wanted a bath….

IMG_2750.JPG
…and that she wanted to wear a turban.

IMG_2722.JPG
There were some pretty pictures…

IMG_2666.JPG
…and some pictures of Kevin’s Mom from Home Alone.

IMG_2402.JPG
My guinea pig taking selfies…

IMG_2336-0.JPG
…and a hitch-hiking sheep.

IMG_2191.JPG
The time I realised my cat is also Spider-Man.

IMG_1928.JPG
WINDMILL FTW!

IMG_1918-0.JPG
*Snigger*

IMG_1889.JPG

IMG_1893.JPG
Apparently there was an instance where I needed a picture of the scary nun from The Magdalene Sisters and Emilio from Dangerous Minds. Perhaps I was writing very very weird fan fiction.

IMG_1759.JPG
This donkey confused me. Is it Rastafarian?

IMG_1632.JPG
I got sunburnt and looked like the Swiss flag.

IMG_1567.JPG
I probably had this picture for a very good reason but I cannot remember what that reason was.

IMG_1447.JPG
There are 36 pictures of my own teeth. I can only assume I was drunk when this happened. Very, very drunk.

IMG_1364.JPG

IMG_1365.JPG
There are several face-swap pictures of Jack and I. Disturbing. Very disturbing.

IMG_0632.JPG
Yes. That is frogspawn.

IMG_0546.JPG
More Beyonce.

IMG_0222.JPG
My cat sure knew how to chill.

IMG_0241.JPG
I bought my guinea pigs a swing and they’re all Little House On The Prairie.

That’s only the ones that are safe for here. Most were of me hugging strangers and climbing lampposts. There were 3 photos of me eating hotdogs and no that is not a euphemism, I was actually eating hotdogs.
If you like, why don’t you show us some of your camera roll? Is it as random as mine?

What’s up with me and other thoughts..

Sup guys?

(Ok, so that’s me trying to come across all nonchalant but really I MISSED YOU ALL.)

I’ve been in and out of the doctor’s and I’m still waiting on an appointment for more tests to find out what exactly is going on with me, but I can definitely rule out Juggler’s Arm because my juggling is still on point. (And also, because I made up Juggler’s Arm.)

IMG_4263.JPG
Source

So, I’m still making bad jokes but at least I’m not bombarding you with pictures of owls. That was a trick, here’s an owl:

IMG_4262.PNG
Source

Here are some random thoughts I’ve had today:

I really love this time of year because I get to throw bunches of leaves at people I don’t like.

I would really love to go on a slide.

No one can pull off dungarees.

The thought of someone wearing dungarees and crocs makes me feel physically ill.

If I had a llama, I would call him Brian.

I would look hilarious with a perm.

I would love to go to a hoedown.

I’m scared of the Cirque du Soleil.

1940s style and music was amazing.

I also watched this video, and cried. But they were happy tears. If you want to have all the warm feelings, check it out:

I’m back to work, and I’m also teaching adults now *gives you a few minutes to stop laughing*. It’s actually a lot of fun and I’m being totally mature…ish. It is a little weird having ladies in their mid-fifties call me “miss”, even though I insist they call me by my first name. They are just so polite and I’m actually a little in awe of them.
It’s very surreal for me because these ladies are the same age as my mother and they were educated in a time where a teacher was seen as a very authoritative presence. Maybe I should stop bringing the whip?

So that’s what’s been going on in my life (I also got abducted by aliens but no one cares about that). Tell me about what’s going on with you?

Not the post I had intended, but…

So I had this post all written up and ready to go. And it disappeared.
It was about independence, there was pictures of Beyoncé and sea otters and me singing (with words…trust me, you would have sung along). AND IT’S GONE.

Needless to say, I was pissed. While my posts aren’t exactly top quality (you know I write them on my phone, while intermittently playing Candy Crush, drinking coffee/wine and throwing papers at my cat) and I won’t exactly be winning Pulitzer Prizes anytime soon (but wouldn’t that be SO COOL?!), I still love this blog and I love writing up my weird and random posts. Perhaps it’s revenge for being so blasé about it all. Boo, WordPress, boo.

So instead, I’ve just decided to throw together some of the thoughts that have run through my head today and maybe you can tell me what you’ve been thinking about and then we can have internet cake? Got it? Good.

1. I did a Luis Suarez impression for Jack but he thought I was impersonating Bette Midler. Typical.

20140628-183454-66894838.jpg
Source

2. Jack handed me a giant bread roll filled with chicken while I was watching TV and I was holding it like I imagine Hamlet held Yorick’s skull, wondering whether the 45 minutes on the cross trainer would be worth it, because carbs.
One of my former students happened to walk past my window, with a look of “why the hell is she staring at her food like that…oh yeah, because she’s weird.”

20140628-184003-67203349.jpg
Source

3. Girls really can be crazy. I met a guy in a bar about a month ago who was also a teacher. He happens to be a friend of a friend. We talked about our jobs, and I talked to him about my boyfriend. Literally, all we did was talk about our work (he’s also an English and history teacher).
Our mutual friend called me today to tell me that his girlfriend had been watching us and went insane and they had a massive fight that lasted weeks. I felt bad for about ten seconds, and then realised that it was completely innocent and she’s just cray cray. Maybe I should stop wearing hoochie lipstick?

20140628-185944-68384201.jpg
Apparently these are the lips that will ruin your life…

4. I am one step closer to becoming BFFs with Chris O’ Dowd because my boyfriend and his Dad are friendly (they’re even Facebook friends). I keep asking when it will become acceptable to show up at their house with a six pack and apple pie.

20140628-190247-68567841.jpg
Source
SOOOOONNNN

5. I love my nieces. I spent a RIDICULOUS amount of money on them today and now I’m poor, but hey, who needs clothes? AMIRIGHT?

6. Jack thought “polo necks” were actually called “polar necks” and I realised that kinda makes sense.

20140628-190830-68910238.jpg
Source

7. We have a drink in Ireland called Cidona and it’s amazing.

20140628-191543-69343865.jpg
Source
I want it on me.

8. My other friend rang me wanting to know if she could put up pictures from a few years back of me on Facebook. I’m pole dancing upside down.
So no.
She did send me this picture, taken when I was 18 on her brick phone (it was huuuuge). Don’t I look like a moody cow? And I really miss that Rolling Stones top.

20140628-192418-69858582.jpg

9. Squirrels are basically land beavers. Swans are basically posh ducks.

20140628-191941-69581083.jpg
Source
Look at him there, the snob.

10. I had to get my driving licence renewed and the guy processing my application thought I was crazy. After I got my picture taken (it was the WORST picture of me taken EVER. In fact, it might just be the worst picture taken EVER) all I could think of was this pic:

20140628-192713-70033048.jpg
Source
I literally burst out laughing in the guy’s face. And I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t. He looked really confused.

So that was my day today.
Tell me about yours!

P.S. Here’s the picture of the sea otters because I love you guys.

20140628-193021-70221945.jpg
Source

I don’t know what to call this post so random word time: Toboggan! By the way, what’s a toboggan?

I’ve been having seizures all week so today, I had to go back on my epilepsy medication. I will have to take it for the rest of my life. But hey, it could be worse, I could be Snooki’s beehive. That’s what I keep repeating over and over to myself.

So if I’m weird…er, post less or possibly more, or fall asleep mid post zzzzzzzzzzz <—- like that, then I can blame it on my meds. I'll be all like "hey I didn't mean to bitch slap Rob Ford's belly, it was the meds!”

And now to cheer us all up (because I know you feel my pain, let’s hug it out) here’s a picture of my dog as a puppy wearing a bandana:

20140605-220623-79583001.jpg

Come talk to me in the comments 😀

Spread the Love

I did this exercise with my class today and I was thinking that it would be nice to try it on here.

Basically, there had been a lot of negativity floating around my classroom (snide comments, sneering and giggling) so I decided to take time out of our subject today and focus on spreading some positivity around the room. Because I’m nice like that.

It might sound really cheesy, but I feel like it worked really well. They had to say something positive about the person next to them. That way, everyone in the class received a compliment and I could tell it meant a lot to them. Comments ranged from “Sarah is excellent at art” to “Tom is a great listener and always makes me smile.” At the end of the class, there was a lovely atmosphere in the room and while it may not be the end of some of the consternation in the classroom, it certainly made us all feel better.

It got me thinking of the warm feeling we get when we receive compliments (or have food poisoning, but whatever). And then I thought of WordPress awards and how good they make us all feel. But instead of giving an award (which are WONDERFUL, but they are time consuming), I thought that it would be a good idea to do the following:

Mention two bloggers whose blogs you love to read and say something positive about each. This way, you are hopefully bringing a smile to someone’s face.

I’m going to mention two bloggers whose blogs I enjoy (please be advised, I could list HUNDREDS but I want to keep this short and sweet) and I will say something positive about each not because I have to but because I want to.

The first is a blog that manages to be insightful, articulate, intelligent and witty while retaining all the charm and excitement of someone who genuinely seems to love writing. If all teenagers were this mature, I think my job would be redundant.

I Prefer Deep Blues and Sea Foam Greens

The second is a lady I have just connected with recently, but her blog is witty, honest and Julie herself is great fun to talk to (look out for our St. Patrick Day plans 😉 )

Musings From a Workaholic

In the comments section below, I would be DELIGHTED if you could mention two bloggers you just adore and say something positive about them. Not only will it cheer them up, it will also hopefully introduce us all to new bloggers. What is there to lose?

20140305-193343.jpg

I can’t think of an interesting title oh look a magpie and now I’m outta spac-

So it turns out me being an atheist didn’t offend you guys. Well, maybe it offended some of you, but you decided to stay quiet and possibly fashion some kind of Jane voodoo doll that you are continuously poking with sewing needles. Ouch. Stop it.

Anyway, since my dear readers are clearly not easily offended, I’m going to tell a joke and hopefully that will have the desired effect. Why am I trying to offend you? Because I was expecting a crazy backlash and I had prepared some of my greatest comebacks like “your face though” and “I know you are, but what am I?” and you guys had to spoil it all by being totally amazingly open minded and brilliant. So, eat this:

Knock knock?
(You say “who’s there?”)
No one. No one likes you.

Ouch. Okay, okay I’m sorry. That was a bad, bad joke. And it’s also not true because I like you. I like you because you’ve read this and you made me feel all gooey inside by being kind to me (although it could be the questionable chicken I just ate).
So, to make the bad joke up to you, I’ll change it:

Knock knock.
(Who’s there?)
Everyone. Everyone likes you.

There, fixed it.

10 things we repeatedly do that make absolutely no sense

1. When someone asks us if we have a pen, we pat ourselves down to check, even though we know we don’t have one.

20140220-181518.jpg
Source

2. When we are gesturing and mouthing to someone who can’t hear us, we talk aloud anyway.

20140220-182204.jpg
Source

3. We have conversations with our pets, even though they have no idea what we’re saying.

20140220-182758.jpg
Source

4. When we don’t know the lyrics to songs, we replace them with our own non-sensical gibberish.

20140220-183449.jpg
Source

20140220-183721.jpg
Source

5. We criticise reality TV, but we watch it anyway.

20140220-184300.jpg
Source

6. When we become frustrated with our inanimate objects, we shout at them.

20140220-184857.jpg
Source

7. We remain friends with people who annoy us on Facebook despite constantly complaining about their status updates.

20140220-191532.jpg
Source

8. We get into heated arguments with complete strangers on the Internet over seemingly trivial matters but will defend our opinion to the death.

20140220-185253.jpg
Source

9. We keep paying to see Michael Bay films.

20140220-185757.jpg
Source

20140220-185926.jpg
Source

10. When we’re drunk, dancing becomes a matter of great importance.

20140220-190258.jpg
Source

Mean Girls: Nice Women Don’t Finish Last

I’m a nice person. It’s true. I’m not being arrogant when I say that; in fact, I think it’s fair to say that many people view kindness as a weakness.

Maybe I am too nice. I mean, I sometimes struggle to be honest with people because I’m afraid that they will construe my honesty for harshness. I do feel that I sometimes let people take advantage of me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a complete push-over. I just loathe confrontation.

20140217-171729.jpg
Source

If I have an opinion, I will state it. Similarly, if I feel someone is being unfairly treated, I will speak up. But it stresses me out beyond belief. I don’t particularly feel very enamoured with this aspect of my personality, but I would much prefer to be too nice than too mean.

I find it very difficult to deal with aggressive and domineering people. You know the type I’m talking about; the people who convince you that being aggressive “assertive” means passing critical comments or disagreeing with you over the most trivial of things. Or they’ll sometimes feel the need to offer you “advice” when it’s really just destructive criticism which serves to damage your self-esteem. I mean, haven’t some people heard of talking about you behind your back?

20140217-173728.jpg
Source

I once had someone aggressive like that in my life. Not by choice, I would like to add, I’m not crazy. She was related to one of my best friends and was a self-titled “bitch.” She constantly referred to herself as such. I’m all for assertiveness and confidence, but she was poison.

She would constantly comment on my appearance: “Oh, Jane. You’re going with that?
“What did you do with your hair? It really doesn’t suit you.” She would also start random and unexpected arguments with myself and my friends. I don’t know how many times I had to explain her behaviour to people.

After a few years (yes years, I suppose I’m a glutton for punishment) of putting up with her, I approached her cousin and the friend who had introduced us. I had had enough. It was my birthday, and we were having a party. I’m no diva, but I suspected that I would be spending the night apologising to people for her behaviour and that wasn’t exactly how I wanted to remember my twenty first birthday.

When I brought up my concerns to my friend, she brushed me off with the usual excuse: “Oh, that’s just the way she is. She’s just a bitch.”

This time, I refused to accept that as an excuse for her behaviour. It’s not even an excuse really, is it?

So I took a deep breath and said:

Listen, Katie. I love you but I’m just not going to accept that flimsy excuse anymore. It’s rubbish to be honest. I have never done anything to deserve her completely unacceptable behaviour. I refuse to believe that this is “just the way she is.” The girl makes a constant and conscious effort to be a bitch, it is not inherent in her personality. It would be really simple for her to be nice every now and again, but she just refuses to demonstrate even basic kindness. I might not be as confident as she is, but I can hold my head up high and say that I have never set out to deliberately denigrate anyone in order to make myself feel better. I’m just not going to put up with her behaviour anymore.

(It may not have actually been as articulately worded as that at the time but it went something like that.)

Katie reluctantly agreed with me and said that she would have a word with her cousin before the party. Of course, it didn’t work and meany mcBitchface (I’ll try better at the ole nicknames next time) was worse than ever. She refused to go to the pub we were going to because it was “crap”, she hated my dress and she called one of my friends that she had never met a “retard.” Yes, a charming woman indeed.

I haven’t spoken to her in years. I have cut her out of my life entirely. The saddest part of it all is that I heard that she got married recently and none of her “friends” attended. Despite her and Katie being first cousins, they haven’t spoken in nearly two years now. From what I hear, she has alienated most of the people who ever cared about her. She spends most of her time making fun of people and dead celebrities (yes, really) on Facebook. I do feel some pity for her.

The whole point of this post is to point out that being nice might not always be productive but in the long term, neither is being a bitch. For years, that bossy and unpleasant girl had loyal followers who viewed her aggressiveness as something that demonstrated honour and strength. Now, she has become lonely and isolated by her choice to remain aggressive.

Maybe I could stand to be slightly more critical. I probably should send below par food back in a restaurant or admit when I don’t want to go to the cinema to watch an action film. There’s nothing wrong with being assertive when you are not intentionally setting out to offend someone. The problem arises when you confuse bitchiness with confidence. And this happens a lot. We are surrounded with films and TV shows where the message is clear: being a bitch pays off. If you go onto Facebook you’ll see provocative memes like this:

20140217-184523.jpg
Source

Now, I’m all for female empowerment and all that. But to me, that is just plain aggressive and promotes bitchiness as some kind of badge of honour. What about this for a meme, eh?

20140217-184857.jpg
Source

I always encourage my students to try and be confident and to express themselves in an assertive manner but I also remind them to always be respectful of other people’s feelings. While being a self-styled bitch might garner you some fearful respect in the short term, you will end up facing the consequences of your actions sooner or later.

What about you? Are you too passive? Or could you do with being more diplomatic? Or maybe you’ve struck the right balance between the two? If so, tell me your secret in the comments below!

Daily Prompt: Putting the “fun” in funeral

For today’s daily prompt, we are supposed to discuss what kind of legacy we would like to leave once we shed our mortal coil.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while now (hi mom) know that I don’t like to take myself too seriously. Sure, I could write about how I want to be remembered for the kind and generous person that I am (hey, quit laughing) or for my contributions to medical research (limit of tequilas one can ingest before singing Barry Manilow in a karaoke bar: four). But that would be cliched, and if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s Mexican. Or cliched (okay, two things).

Instead, I decided to share with you what I have discussed with my friends regarding my possible untimely demise. I’m sure you too, magical internet friend, have thought about what would happen if you passed away prematurely. Would people come to your funeral? Would your best friends howl at the moon every night for their lost comrade? Sure, it’s morbid, but we all wonder from time to time, right?

About a year ago, I was in a serious car accident. My car was completely totalled and I was really, really lucky to escape virtually unscathed. After my friends had comforted me and liquored me up good, we began to discuss (as you do) what would have happened if I hadn’t been so lucky. My friend turned to me and said something that got me thinking:

“Jane, I know you hate funerals. I know you don’t consider yourself catholic anymore, so what kind of funeral could you possibly have? I mean you’d just hate all that serious and solemn hymn stuff, and I’d know that, so it wouldn’t feel right. What would we do? How could we say our final farewell to you?”

Okay, I’ll admit that it was a weird conversation to have but it seemed necessary. My friend was right, I hate funerals. I don’t want to cause any offence here, but the traditional Irish funeral is not the way I want to be sent off. And the thing is, you might say “why do you have to be different? Why should you get special treatment?” but I’m not religious so I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I’m not saying I want a send-off of Hunter S. Thompson proportions, but I certainly don’t want a funeral where a guy who doesn’t know me postulates about what kind of person I might have been with generic statements. Irish funerals are also expensive and I don’t want to put that expense on my friends and family. I mean, I’ll be gone. They will be devastated…right? RIGHT? Hey, is that tumbleweed?

20140216-194027.jpg
Source

So we all decided to share with each other how we would like our lives to be celebrated. When it got to my turn, my friends knew to expect the unexpected. I wanted something that would be memorable and that would confuse the heck out of everyone attending. I’m also a bit of a prankster, and in the words of my favourite poet W.B. Yeats “in balance with this life, this death”.

So, without further ado, here is what my memorial service is going to be like:

(This is not a religious funeral and there is no offence intended here. If any offence is caused, it’s possibly because you’re Bill O’ Reilly.

20140216-201223.jpg
Source

1. It must be held in oneof the following: a hay barn, a medieval town hall or on a moving bus.

2. The following music will be played as the congregation piles in: (Because I’m so popular*, I chose two songs.)

A) Sex on the Beachby T-Spoon
B) The Next Episodeby Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg.

3. The narrative of my life must be told through an interpretive dance off between my friends.

4. A video of me performing the Thriller dance by Michael Jackson must be played. (Note to self: Learn Thriller dance. Buy red leather clothing. Make video.)

20140216-194245.jpg
Source

5. My mother must give the eulogy in the form of a gangsta rap. (She doesn’t know this yet.)

6. Someone (I’m looking at you, Jack) must play Wind Beneath my Wingson a kazoo.

7. The service will close with a musical number. I’m thinking a Greasemedley. I have been promised spirit fingers and jazz hands galore.

20140216-194508.jpg
Source

8. Closing song: Celebrate by Kool and the Gang

For those of you who think I’m kidding, I assure you I’m not. I’m also not trying to be disrespectful to anyone here; I would just like to bring a smile to the faces of those I love during a time that would otherwise be depressing and somber. I would like my legacy to be this: that people remember how, erm, unique I am. And that my funeral was like a Stanley Kubrick dream.

If you’re reading this, you’re totally invited. Because, let’s face it, it will be the most fun funeral ever. Jane: putting the “fun” in funeral. Welcome.

*with my pets

5 Ways to Mildly Improve Your Day

Hey there grumpy-face! How do I know you’re grumpy? Look outside your window, hello! Haha, kidding…I can’t get another restraining order.

Anyway, I’ve compiled a list of ways for you to mildly improve your day because I’m nice like that.

1. Smile at a stranger

Now, listen carefully. This is important: your smile with either be interpreted as charming and friendly or creepy and unsettling. But the important thing is, you’re trying to be nice. And that always feels good.

20140208-183852.jpg
Source:http://gifsforum.com/listofgifs/gallery/creepy-smile

2. Pet an animal*
*Preferably your own. I mean sure, you could hang around the park, asking random strangers if you can stroke their pussycat or their bitch, but for some reason that usually results in an arrest. Instead, why not pet your dog/cat/turtle?

20140208-184715.jpg
Source: http://goodonyou.tumblr.com/post/24049490387

3. Siiiiing
Who cares if you sound like a cat being anally probed? You go and Disney the crap out of your day.
Just look how happy this cat is:

20140208-185144.jpg
Source: http://m.voices.yahoo.com/sound-good-karaoke-even-if-re-bad-singer-568852.html

4. Make an awards acceptance speech in front of a mirror

You wouldn’t believe how many Oscars I’ve won. Seriously, Meryl Streep has nothing on me. I once managed to win Best Actress and Best Actress in a Supporting Role in the same movie because I’m just that damn good. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you, my fans.

20140208-185817.jpg
Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2282295/Study-reveals-Oscar-winners-thank-Harvey-Weinstein-God-half-mention-Academy.html

Look at me there, I just wasn’t expecting it….Any resemblance to the actress Gwyneth Paltrow is purely coincidental…

5. Narrate someone’s day
This might get veeerrrry annoying for other people but who cares as long as you’re having fun. Here’s a snippet of how I annoy my friend Anne.

Anne is eating her lunch. Anne doesn’t like her lunch. Anne is putting her fork down. Anne is staring at Jane. Anne seems displeased. Anne is moving away. Jane is following Anne. Anne is using profanities. Anne is having a baaaad day.

So there ya go! Happy weirding!