A Poem for Parents

Julie over at Musings from a workaholic wrote a lovely post about her sons and the various activities they got up to as kids.

It reminded me of an Irish poem that my parents had up on our fridge when I was young. I will post it in it’s original Irish form (and it is much nicer in Irish) but I’ll also post an English translation. I think those of you with kids will love it.

Subh Milis

Bhí subh milis
Ar bhaschrann an dorais
Ach mhúch mé an corraí
Ionam d’éirigh,
Mar smaoinigh mé ar an lá
A bheas an baschrann glan,
Agus an láimh bheag
Ar iarraidh.

Jam

There was jam
On the door handle
But I quenched the anger
That rose in me
Because I thought of the day
That the door handle would be clean
And the little hand
Would be gone

Seamus O’ Neill

Also, a big thank you to Lydia for the Sunshine Award. I know I’ve taken forever to get to it so apologies! To spread a little sunshine to your day, here’s a picture of me on my graduation day:

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Note: That is not actually me. I’m much less adorable.

How to be Irish

On Saint Patrick’s Day, everyone likes to be a little Irish. If you would like to pass as genuinely Irish, follow these tips:

1. We like to talk about the weather. A lot. If you utter any of the following phrases, you will pass as Irish every time:

Grand day, isn’t it?

Grand soft day out now.

Jaysus, it’s roasting (anytime the temperature rises above 15 degrees Celsius).

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2. We can’t take compliments

“Oh this? €5 in Penneys, girl. Makes me look like a heifer.”

3. We can’t give compliments

“Happy birthday, ya dope!”

4. We can make fun of ourselves…

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5. …but if someone else does:

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6. We blame everything on the English

“It’s raining out. The English probably sent it.”

7. We can’t be affectionate

We leave that to our cheek-kissing, randy neighbours on the continent. As my Grandfather would have said: “hugging every time they say hello, pah! Cop on to yerselves!”

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7. We are unimpressed with anything fancy

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8. If you’re not drinking, there has to be a valid excuse

“Oh, you’re not drinking? Are you on antibiotics?”

9. We are superstitious

“I’ve a job interview tomorrow, so I’m going to go wave at some magpies for luck.”
Natch.

10. Every illness can be fixed with flat 7up

“Oh, your appendix is about to burst. Flat 7up. Be grand.”

“Oh, you’re bleeding internally? Flat 7up. Be grand.”

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11. We really do love potatoes, but we call them “spuds”

“A dinner without spuds? I mean, I just never thought about it before…I suppose I could try it but I’m skeptical.”

12. Our mothers are brilliant…but terrifying

“You failed your test?! Right, I’m getting the wooden spoon.”

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13. Leaving the immersion on fills us with dread

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13 awkward moments when…

Just to make you squirm, here are some of the most common awkward situations I think we’ve all experienced:

1. Being in an elevator/lift with a bunch of strangers

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Picture from igoristic.com

The silence. The close proximity to strangers. The avoidance of eye contact. Awkward level=Woody Allen.

2. Meeting a friend and they run into a friend of theirs that you don’t know

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Picture from themetapicture.com

Do I leave? Why am I just standing here smiling like an idiot? Why haven’t they introduced us yet? Aaaaargh

3. Meeting someone that you haven’t spoken to in years and having nothing to say

“So, erm, that Kanye West is an awful eejit, isn’t he?”

*Interminable silence… A wolf howls*

“Well, nice talkin to ya!”

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Picture from http://s284.photobucket.com

4. Someone says “hello” just as you answer “fine”

Oh, the humanity

5. Someone is waving like crazy at you so you awkwardly wave back. You then realise they are actually waving at someone else.
D’oh.

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Picture from memeblender.com

6. “Do you like *insert obscure band name*?”
“Erm, yeah, they’re great…”
“What’s your favourite song by them?”
“……..”

7. When someone gets your name wrong and you leave it too long to correct them.
It’s not so bad… Ted sounds a lot like Ryan. Ahem.

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Picture from sodahead.com

8. When a plane lands and people clap. It makes me all kinds of awkwards. Am I alone here?

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Picture from quoteswaves.com

9. When someone says something and you haven’t heard them by the fifth time so just pretend to have heard it… and give the totally incorrect reaction

“Whaaaat?”
“I said *says something incoherent”
“Oh, that’s great!”
“It’s great that my cat has piles?!”

10. When someone makes you retell a joke that *they* found hilarious but everyone else just gives you limp, pity laugh

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Picture from 4tnz.com

11. When you go to greet someone and aren’t sure whether to do a handshake, hug or cheek-kiss so you just stand there and give an awkward, stupid wave.

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Picture from funnyjunk.com

12. When you’re watching a film with your parents and a sex scene comes on
I’m 26 and still can’t handle this. I fall into a vortex of shame and awkwardness.

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Picture from quickmeme.com

13. When people sing happy birthday to you

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Picture from memeblender.com

How to meet his parents and not receive a restraining order

If there’s ever a time in your relationship that you’ll wish your partner was raised by wolves, it’s when they suggest the dreaded parental meet. Sure, wolves are dangerous (just ask Red Riding’s Hood’s Grandma) but in this instance, they are no match for the people who raised your precious partner. Everything you say and do will be judged and they will talk about you when you leave. So how do you get them to say things like ‘she was a well-adjusted individual. We like her’ instead of ‘frankly we’d prefer if you brought home Lindsay Lohan’?

Well, follow my advice. Moms love me. Well, Jack’s Mom does. And maybe my Mom. That’s it really. Here you go:

  1. Don’t drink beforehand. You think a few tipples will make you confident and more sociable. They’re thinking ‘why is our son dating an alcoholic?’
  2. If there’s two things Dad’s love, it’s sweater-vests and being funny. Laugh at absolutely EVERYTHING his dad says. Unless, of course, it’s ‘we buried our dog Sparky today.’ Probably best not to laugh at that.
  3. Ask them if they’ve ever heard of Amanda Bynes. No? Well, regale them with tales of her escapades and compared to her, you’ll look like Marcia Brady. Bonus points for saying something like ‘if only she’d stayed in school’.
  4. Don’t offer to help cook. Cause his mom will say something like ‘Sautee the onions please.’ And you’ll put them in a blender. Then she’ll realise you’ve never sautéed before. Or, ahem, cooked hot food. Moms have a HUGE thing about their boys eating well. In her eyes, if you can’t provide the grub, then you can’t provide the love. If you can cook, don’t show off. As the saying goes ‘Hell hath no fury like a jealous mom.’
  5. You must pretend to just ADORE whatever pet they have. Even if their Persian, Mr Snufflebumps, is a psychotic feline who is already planning your downfall, you pet him. Even if you’re allergic. You can go to the Emergency Room later.
  6. NEVER begin any story about your partner with ‘last night, when we were fooling around…’
  7. When she breaks out the baby pictures, do not make fun of her precious bundle of joy with remarks like ‘LOOK HOW BIG YOUR HEAD WAS!’ or ‘WHEN DID YOU STOP BEING CLINICALLY OBESE?’ You can make fun of him later.
  8. Remember that tattoo you got on your butt during your trip to Thailand when you wanted to “find yourself”? Probably best not to show his parents.
  9. Don’t lie. If you tell them that current affairs is your forte then it should be. If his dad asks you ‘what do you think of Syria?’ and you respond with ‘Oh…um, Rice Krispies are my favourite…’ they’ll probably deduce that you were lying.
  10. Don’t dress like Nicki Minaj. That shouldn’t really be a problem, unless you’re Nicki Minaj.