Er, hi. Is this awkward?
Er, yes…it is. Will I break dance?
Erm, no thanks.
What do you think of my blog?
What’s a blog? Haha. See, I can be funny too. It’s pretty great, keep going.
Do you mind that I write (mostly nice) things about you?
I especially like the post where you said I am incredibly handsome, virile, witty, intelligent, athletic, Adonis-like…
Jack, I never wrote that.
Yeah, I know. Hint hint.
What did you really do with the remote?
(A few years ago, our remote “mysteriously” vanished. Jack denies having anything to do with it but he lies as good as he break-dances, which is not good at all. Anyway, because we’re lazy we still haven’t replaced it.)
Look baby, the remote is gone. And like the corpse of Jimmy Hoffa, no one knows where. Just let it go.
Tell my lovely loyal followers a little about yourself.
Um, I like pie. I’m not good at this. I’m definitely not afraid of the dark. Not even slightly. Not one. Little. Bit.
You’re doing a PhD. How’s that going?
It’s going really well actually. Just yesterday, I discovered that America’s relative power positi….oh, you were just being polite when you asked? Awkward.
No, no… I really care and stuff.
Important question: Which Backstreet Boy is your favourite?
The one that wore the bandanas. They made him automatically cool.
His name is AJ Jack, stop pretending you don’t know.
What goes through your mind when I wear my onesie?
All kinds of conflicting emotions.
What’s the best thing you’ve ever done?
You. Hahaha, seriously, I kill me.
If my mother is reading this, then receiving an education.
It’s not the oscars, Jack, I’m sure she’ll never see this. Does that sound snarky? Sorry. Iloveyou.
Sum up your life in one word:
I bet I can make you laugh. Remember Nicolas Cage in the remake of Wicker Man? NOT THE BEES! Did it work?
Can’t type, still laughing.
Thanks for taking part Jack. Now go clean the dishes…haha, I’m totally joking, it’s not like he’s my slave, *awkward nervous laugh* right Jack…Jack?
Growing up, many of my closest friends were guys. This led me to erroneously assume that I knew what it would be like to live with one. Oho, was I wrong. Here are fifteen things I’ve learned from cohabiting with a real boy:
1. Men care about their appearance just as much as women. I once told Jack that a coat he had made him look like Paddington Bear. He never wore it again, even though I did mean it as a compliment. Who doesn’t love bears?
2. Men will never, ever initiate cleaning the house. Yes, even if it resembles a landfill and there are seagulls living in your kitchen.
3. If there’s left-over pizza crust and beer in the fridge, men do not understand the need to go grocery
4. When their
man-cave workspace becomes messy, men will insist that “they have a system” and work best “in chaos”. Riiiight.
5. When you insist on cleaning up, men will inevitable compare you to your mother.
6. Watching reruns of ‘Cops’ is a perfectly acceptable way to spend an entire weekend if you’re a guy. Actually, I’m with you guys on this one, it’s amazing.
7. The Playstation must never be turned off without the express permission of your man friend lest you ruin an important mission in GTA V.
8. When a man does clean, it involves shoving things under any large pieces of furniture such as the bed/couch/armchairs. It also involves spraying insane and possibly hallucination-inducing amounts of Febreeze.
9. Dorito sandwiches are a perfectly nutritious meal according to a man.
10. In the absence of other males, men will tell you about their trips to the bathroom because, well, it’s apparently in our best interests to know these things.
11. Men will never allow you to call a repair man because they will claim to be able to fix anything. RIP toaster, hairdryer, oven, cooker, sense of safety in my own home.
12. Sniffing articles of clothing is a perfectly acceptable way to check if said clothing is good for another few days. According to Jack, it’s always good.
13. Men need as much hoarded crap as possible to thrive. That collection of lollipop sticks? They’re gonna make a neat pencil holder someday. The broken lamp shade? What if the dog ever needs an improvised head cone? It all makes sense in their heads.
14. Cooking? Pah, that’s a girl’a job. Barbecuing? Now there’s a man’s speciality. Grr, fire, grr, raw meat, grrrrr.
15. A man will use your female products (moisturiser, cleansing wipes, body lotion) but you must never admit that you know this nor must you ever, under any circumstances, tell ANYONE. Oh, wait…crap. Sorry Jack, guess the Nivea day cream is out of the makeup bag.
So there you have it. Any men that have become offended by this, well I’m sorry. Come join our ‘Cops’ marathon.
Although a woman sulking is as terrifying as a posse of clowns embroiled in a knife fight, there’s also something endearing and cute about it. When a man sulks, it just doesn’t suit him. It’s like trying to put a tux on Snoop Dogg.
2. Use baby talk
Picture this scenario: You feel ill. Your boyfriend tucks you into bed, bends over you and says:
‘My poor widdle baby. Ooh, your so adorwable! Who wants a widdle cuddle? Who want their fwuffy bear?’
We women are complex creatures. When we are jealous, we either sulk (see above) or go bat-shit insane and par-boil your family pet. We like to wear our hearts on our sleeves with this one. Men, however, attempt a little more subtlety because pure unadulterated jealously on a man is often seen as a weakness. A man isn’t going to actually admit being threatened by another man. This clip by comedian Tommy Tiernan hilariously explains what I mean.
4. Pose for selfies
My Facebook newsfeed is inundated with selfies of my female friends (you know, just incase I forget what they look like) in all sorts of poses (duck, stripper, stripper-duck). However, my male friends know that a male selfie has a touch of ‘sex offender’ about it.
5. Be seductive
There’s something about Jack (and many other guys) when he’s trying his best ‘come to bed eyes’ that’s more Milhouse van Houten than George Clooney. Then again, I once fell down the stairs in heels while trying my best femme fatale impression, so I can’t talk.
6. Be physically affectionate with their friends
When I moved house recently, I spent the night before tearfully embracing my female friends. We held hands over wine and reminisced. We hugged goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and lots of sniffling into each other’s shoulders. Jack shook his best friend’s hand. He SHOOK HIS HAND. So I asked a few guys I know ‘when is it acceptable to be physically affectionate with a male friend?’ Their answer: If someone dies, or in a spontaneous moment of sporting success (which must never be discussed again).
I don’t like to come across as shallow or dishonest, but boy do I love a good gossip. It’s like picking at a scab (sorry); I know it’s wrong but it’s oh-so-satisfying. I have a friend from home who rings me once a week for our weekly catchup. My end of the conversation sounds like this:
‘Really? Did she? Oh my God! You know she’s totally lying though. Is she? Wow. He did WHAT? I heard he did it. That’s just what I heard…’
When I get off the phone, Jack knows I’m a veritable gold mine of gossip and I can see the overwhelming desire in him to hear it all. Then he remembers he’s a guy so will just ask ‘so, erm, any news?’ to which I will cruelly reply ‘nope.’ Fess up, Jack! You want to gossip. It’s fetch.
8. Use sex as a weapon
We women shouldn’t, but often do, withhold sex to punish/get what we want. If men decided to do this, the human race would probably become extinct.
9. Flirt to get what they want
Another wily tactic us women often resort to is flirting to get what we want. Diabolical. For example:
With the police- ‘Oh, I’m so sorry officer.’ *bats eyelids*
With bouncers- ‘Any chance we could skip the queue? Our short skirts barely cover our legs. Birr.’ *girlish giggle* etc etc.
If a guy were to try this, he’d end up in prison. Or hospital. Remember Ross from Friends attempt at flirting with a male cop?
10. Go to the bathroom in groups
Us girls are like wolves, everything is done together. When we go to the bathroom together, we often don’t even pee. We go to talk about you. Yes guys, now you know.
If a man was to announce ‘I have to pee…. COME ON KEVIN!’ there would be quite the uncomfortable silence. In fact, men often make a concerted effort to avoid going to the bathroom at the same time in public places. What, with all the awkwardness and all.