Yes

I long for the days that I was able to roll out of bed after a less than sober night and spring into immediate action; cooking my gals a greasy breakfast and cringing with them over our less-than-ladylike antics the previous night. Nowadays, I’m lucky if I can utter anything more than a mono syllable. Springing out of bed post- bender is still nothing but a dream *stares wistfully into the distance* in fact, rolling out of bed and landing on the rug is even a little ambitious. 

A wiser woman would know that there’s a lesson to be learned here somewhere right? And that lesson is…I JUST WON’T GO TO BED AT ALL. NO, that’s not it…oh right, I should stop getting unmercifully pissed and learn to drink responsibly. Which, to be fair, I am capable of. My problem is that nowadays I’m lucky if I go on two or three nights out in the whole year, so when I do…well, the four horsemen of the apocalypse actually follow me around, you know, just in case. 

So lesson one of my thirties?? NO MORE DOUBLES. JUST….NO JANE. BAD JANE. 

Makes Sense 

I feel happy. And pretty carefree. Probably because I just had tea and a biscuit which usually results in a sugar-induced euphoria. Anyways, I hope you guys are having a wonderful Monday (I’m sure it’s possible) and I’m going to spin in a circle with my hand extended so everyone gets a high-five. Here’s my thought of the day: 

HELP ME!

Hello! How is everyone today? It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to post something proper, but I’ve been struggling. I’ve got nothing. Nada. Diddly-squat. 

There have been times where ideas rain down on me like dollar bills on a Vegas stripper, but for the last month I’ve been really stuck for inspiration. The thing is, I love blogging. I love having a little internet space where I keep my virtual pet owl (say hi to Derek) and discuss my love of pizza and stalking strangers in the park (I’m kidding. I only like pizza). I love chatting to you guys. But is it worth filling up my blog with utter crap (even more crap…ahem) just to have something to post? Aye, there’s the rub. 

 

I think Shakespeare may have been more of a Blogspot guy…

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Since I can’t really discuss my job (for legal reasons, which makes me sound all kinds of Batman), it means that’s a huge aspect of my life that I can’t blog about. And my relationship is wonderful and all, but Jack has been working so much that we haven’t spent much time together since we got engaged. *cries into your shoulder* 

I guess I could go around and interview people…although when Humans of New York do it, it’s considered cool. When I do it, it’s all “hey, get out of my garden” or “are you wearing night vision goggles?” Pfft. So, maybe not. 

Do you guys have any ideas for me? Yes, I’m actually so stuck that I am now expecting you all to do the work for me.  

Fly my pretties, flyyyyy

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I could interview one of you? Or someone could guest post? Or we could all go to Mexico and drink tequila? Either way, I’m up for anything. Except having pineapple on my pizza, because that is evil and twisted. 

A Tour Through My Very Weird Camera Roll

Happy weekend everyone! LETS GO CRAAAAZY AND DO SHOTS! Haha, not really, let’s wear onesies and watch Finding Nemo.

So today Jack needed to send a text from my phone. I left the room to do important Jane stuff (eat marshmallows and line dance with my cat). When I came in, Jack looked confused.
“What’s up?” I asked, taking my phone back.
“Um, nothing”, he replied, eyeing me suspiciously.
“What?” I prodded. It was obvious something was bothering him.
“Your camera roll on your phone…is…really weird.”
“What else would you expect?” I asked, laughing. He’s right, by the way. It’s insane. Let’s take a look at some of my pictures, shall we?

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There this photo of a dog that I don’t own because cute dogs are to me what supermodels are to teenage boys.

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I’m not even gonna feel bad about this, it’s gold.

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Ditto.

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I like to intermittently send this to my friends when they text me gossip.

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And this if for when they insult me. Sorry not sorry.

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You’re probably sensing a theme here. And yes, there are dozens more of these. Seriously, if I’m ever hacked, this is 97% of my camera roll.

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I also like to photograph the back of my head…for art. And research.

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There’s an estimated 6000 pictures of my cat asleep. She’s majestic.

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I love Steven Seagal.

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Here’s a woman I don’t know!

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Escargot, aw haw haw!

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Messi looks like Eric Bana, yes?

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I send this to Jack because he is smarter than me.

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I’m sure there’s a good reason I have a picture of Emily Dickinson in my phone…

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WHY WOULD SOMEONE HAVE THIS IN THEIR CAR??!!!

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I gave Jack a makeover.

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My cat decided she wanted a bath….

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…and that she wanted to wear a turban.

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There were some pretty pictures…

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…and some pictures of Kevin’s Mom from Home Alone.

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My guinea pig taking selfies…

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…and a hitch-hiking sheep.

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The time I realised my cat is also Spider-Man.

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WINDMILL FTW!

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*Snigger*

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Apparently there was an instance where I needed a picture of the scary nun from The Magdalene Sisters and Emilio from Dangerous Minds. Perhaps I was writing very very weird fan fiction.

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This donkey confused me. Is it Rastafarian?

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I got sunburnt and looked like the Swiss flag.

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I probably had this picture for a very good reason but I cannot remember what that reason was.

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There are 36 pictures of my own teeth. I can only assume I was drunk when this happened. Very, very drunk.

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There are several face-swap pictures of Jack and I. Disturbing. Very disturbing.

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Yes. That is frogspawn.

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More Beyonce.

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My cat sure knew how to chill.

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I bought my guinea pigs a swing and they’re all Little House On The Prairie.

That’s only the ones that are safe for here. Most were of me hugging strangers and climbing lampposts. There were 3 photos of me eating hotdogs and no that is not a euphemism, I was actually eating hotdogs.
If you like, why don’t you show us some of your camera roll? Is it as random as mine?

What distracts you?

Hello my little pine cones! (I don’t know either.)

I have been busy adulting hard (you know, making bubble foam beards in the bath and prank phone calling my neighbours…FYI, their refrigerator is running). I wanted to tell you guys I got a new cat, because having no cats was just not an option for me.

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She’s basically me, in cat form.

I’m almost back to work, and I could not be feeling less productive. With this in mind, I thought I would fill you all in on the many things that distract me from, well, doing anything productive.

1. My new cat

She has to be taught all of these valuable skills, like how to curtsy. You know, just in case the queen ever drops by. Surprisingly, it’s quite difficult to get it just right.

2. My phone

Jack: Did you hear me?
Me: Hmm?
Jack: Jane!
Me: Just a sec….
Jack: Are you playing that damn Kim Kardashian game?
Me: If I don’t complete this modelling job, Kim is going to be so disappointed in me.
Jack: And you don’t want to let virtual Kim down.
Me: Exactly.

Please don’t hate me guys.

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http://www.upi.com/Entertainment_News/2014/06/18/Kim-Kardashian-unveils-new-video-game/6321403121336/

I’m also annoyingly addicted to Candy Crush Saga, Facebook and watching cat gifs.

3. Sleeping

I cannot stop sleeping. I’m more of a narcoleptic than Sleeping Beauty. I’m Sleeping Beauty without the beauty. (I could do this all day, but I’ve got cat gifs to watch.)

Basically, since I got holidays, I just can’t stay awake. I’ve become a consummate pro at sleeping. Hey, for all you know, I’m asleep right now.

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https://imgflip.com/i/2b62o

4. Trashy TV

Jack: What did you do today?
Me: Erm, I watched a documentary about…the…effects of…global warming on…North African…giraffes.
Jack: You watched back to back episodes of Jeremy Kyle, didn’t you?
Me: Yes. Yes I did.

<img src="https://cupidorcats.files.wordpress.com/2014/08/img_4214.jpg"
http://www.quickmeme.com/Jeremy-Kyle

5. YouTube videos of people falling over

I don’t think I need to explain this really.

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http://www.clickypix.com/17-images-people-falling/

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http://www.personal.psu.edu/afr3/blogs/SIOW/2011/11/falling-is-funny.html
Right? RIGHT?

So, tell me what distracts you while I go play with this shiny thing….

Not the post I had intended, but…

So I had this post all written up and ready to go. And it disappeared.
It was about independence, there was pictures of Beyoncé and sea otters and me singing (with words…trust me, you would have sung along). AND IT’S GONE.

Needless to say, I was pissed. While my posts aren’t exactly top quality (you know I write them on my phone, while intermittently playing Candy Crush, drinking coffee/wine and throwing papers at my cat) and I won’t exactly be winning Pulitzer Prizes anytime soon (but wouldn’t that be SO COOL?!), I still love this blog and I love writing up my weird and random posts. Perhaps it’s revenge for being so blasé about it all. Boo, WordPress, boo.

So instead, I’ve just decided to throw together some of the thoughts that have run through my head today and maybe you can tell me what you’ve been thinking about and then we can have internet cake? Got it? Good.

1. I did a Luis Suarez impression for Jack but he thought I was impersonating Bette Midler. Typical.

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2. Jack handed me a giant bread roll filled with chicken while I was watching TV and I was holding it like I imagine Hamlet held Yorick’s skull, wondering whether the 45 minutes on the cross trainer would be worth it, because carbs.
One of my former students happened to walk past my window, with a look of “why the hell is she staring at her food like that…oh yeah, because she’s weird.”

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3. Girls really can be crazy. I met a guy in a bar about a month ago who was also a teacher. He happens to be a friend of a friend. We talked about our jobs, and I talked to him about my boyfriend. Literally, all we did was talk about our work (he’s also an English and history teacher).
Our mutual friend called me today to tell me that his girlfriend had been watching us and went insane and they had a massive fight that lasted weeks. I felt bad for about ten seconds, and then realised that it was completely innocent and she’s just cray cray. Maybe I should stop wearing hoochie lipstick?

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Apparently these are the lips that will ruin your life…

4. I am one step closer to becoming BFFs with Chris O’ Dowd because my boyfriend and his Dad are friendly (they’re even Facebook friends). I keep asking when it will become acceptable to show up at their house with a six pack and apple pie.

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SOOOOONNNN

5. I love my nieces. I spent a RIDICULOUS amount of money on them today and now I’m poor, but hey, who needs clothes? AMIRIGHT?

6. Jack thought “polo necks” were actually called “polar necks” and I realised that kinda makes sense.

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7. We have a drink in Ireland called Cidona and it’s amazing.

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I want it on me.

8. My other friend rang me wanting to know if she could put up pictures from a few years back of me on Facebook. I’m pole dancing upside down.
So no.
She did send me this picture, taken when I was 18 on her brick phone (it was huuuuge). Don’t I look like a moody cow? And I really miss that Rolling Stones top.

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9. Squirrels are basically land beavers. Swans are basically posh ducks.

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Look at him there, the snob.

10. I had to get my driving licence renewed and the guy processing my application thought I was crazy. After I got my picture taken (it was the WORST picture of me taken EVER. In fact, it might just be the worst picture taken EVER) all I could think of was this pic:

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I literally burst out laughing in the guy’s face. And I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t. He looked really confused.

So that was my day today.
Tell me about yours!

P.S. Here’s the picture of the sea otters because I love you guys.

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10 Things I’ve Noticed About Blogging

There is no way I am in a position to give blogging tips (I use my phone to blog and have often written posts upside down for the love of Pete!) but there are certain things I have noticed about blogging and WordPress since I began nearly a year ago. Things that have made me happy, sad, irritated, confused, amused, emotional…basically, all the feelings a woman experiences in a ten minute time frame.

I decided to compile a list of the most obvious things I’ve noticed about this wonderful blogging world of ours:

1. WordPress is a really nice place

I have never met anyone here who has been unkind to me. I have never received a nasty comment either…which is a shame in a way because I have some killer comebacks.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over all my awesomeness.”

“You’re pretty arrogant for someone whose wearing a tutu. At least, in my imagination you’re wearing one.”

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2. Some of you guys are reeeeally talented

Did I say some? Because I meant all. *Backs slowly out of room*

But really, some of you guys are so talented that I get really intimidated, panic and then post pictures of owls.

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Luckily, this owl thinks I’m *hilaaarious*

3. Sometimes people magically like my posts without actually reading them

Because my posts are JUST THAT AMAZING! You don’t even have to read them. You just know.
I could actually write the word “badger” over and over here and I bet I would still get likes.
I know most of you do read my posts (right, RIGHT?) so I’ll continue.

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Hey, ever notice badgers look like a mixture of a dog and a pig? I’m cool, I swear.

4. It gets hard to keep up with everyone’s blogs…

…but you guys are worth it. Especially you. And on a completely unrelated side note, here’s a picture of Kurt Cobain dressed as a cheerleader because…why not?

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5. You can get alone just fine with someone whose opinions you don’t entirely agree with

Firstly, I’m not going to tell you how long it took me to spell opinions correctly there. Let’s just say, I was so
off that even autocorrect didn’t know what the heck I was saying….

Anyway, I have a lot of followers/people I follow whose opinions on certain topics don’t necessarily correlate with my own (oh sure brain, you can spell correlate but not opinion?) and I still get on fine and dandy with them. Why? Because if you’re fundamentally a good person, with an open mind, I will be your friend. Especially if you like owls (this is getting owl of hand…har har har).
On a completely unrelated note, this:

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6. It’s probably not advisable to get hammered and get post happy

…not that I’d know *awkward face*

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7. Accidentally deleting a draft is the most infuriating thing ever

I can’t even talk about this, let’s just say:

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8. Getting a new follower feels like:

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Er, I mean (be cool Jane…) it’s more like…

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Who am I kidding? It’s the first one. I love you guys.

9. Sometimes comments go to spam which means I don’t reply

This makes me sad.

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Okay, so this picture is totally not appropriate for what I’m trying to say but…Ryan Gosling

10. Your comments are my favourite thing in the world and make me feel like…

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Wait, your comments make me feel like I’ve just participated in a laborious yet ingenious prison break after I’ve been falsely accused of my wife and her lover’s murder and I’m standing topless in the rain?
Makes sense.

What have you noticed about blogging since you began?