Q&A with my boyfriend

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Er, hi. Is this awkward?

Er, yes…it is. Will I break dance?

Erm, no thanks.

What do you think of my blog?

What’s a blog? Haha. See, I can be funny too. It’s pretty great, keep going.

Do you mind that I write (mostly nice) things about you?

I especially like the post where you said I am incredibly handsome, virile, witty, intelligent, athletic, Adonis-like…

Jack, I never wrote that.

Yeah, I know. Hint hint.

What did you really do with the remote?
(A few years ago, our remote “mysteriously” vanished. Jack denies having anything to do with it but he lies as good as he break-dances, which is not good at all. Anyway, because we’re lazy we still haven’t replaced it.)

Look baby, the remote is gone. And like the corpse of Jimmy Hoffa, no one knows where. Just let it go.

Tell my lovely loyal followers a little about yourself.

Um, I like pie. I’m not good at this. I’m definitely not afraid of the dark. Not even slightly. Not one. Little. Bit.

You’re doing a PhD. How’s that going?

It’s going really well actually. Just yesterday, I discovered that America’s relative power positi….oh, you were just being polite when you asked? Awkward.

No, no… I really care and stuff.

Important question: Which Backstreet Boy is your favourite?

The one that wore the bandanas. They made him automatically cool.

His name is AJ Jack, stop pretending you don’t know.

What goes through your mind when I wear my onesie?

All kinds of conflicting emotions.


What’s the best thing you’ve ever done?

You. Hahaha, seriously, I kill me.
If my mother is reading this, then receiving an education.

It’s not the oscars, Jack, I’m sure she’ll never see this. Does that sound snarky? Sorry. Iloveyou.

Sum up your life in one word:

Trumanshow-esque.

I bet I can make you laugh. Remember Nicolas Cage in the remake of Wicker Man? NOT THE BEES! Did it work?

Can’t type, still laughing.

Thanks for taking part Jack. Now go clean the dishes…haha, I’m totally joking, it’s not like he’s my slave, *awkward nervous laugh* right Jack…Jack?

Why being a guy would be great

I like being a lady. Okay, it’s debatable whether I can accurately be called a lady but I’m definitely a woman *looks at boobs* yep, definitely. Sometimes though, I would like the comfort that comes with all things male. Here’s why:

1. Guys can have all the beardy goodness that a beard brings

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I’m cold. I’m so cold that I’ve been writing this sentence for two days. Anything that could make me less cold right now would be great. A beard would just be lovely; but of course, I’d be captured by the first travelling circus and made kiss sexually-confused people. So count your blessings men, you have the option to grow a majestic face-blanket.

2. Guys can basically pee anywhere*

*Except on a roller coaster
I really hope you appreciate this one guys. I really do. There’s been many a time Jack and I have been enjoying a countryside drive when *boom* the bladder fairy decides to make a visit. (The bladder fairy is a real thing, with a wand and wings and a belt of Ocean Spray cranberry juice.)
When I am swaying from side to side and silently weeping at the lack of public toilets in Ireland, Jack will nonchalantly shrug. ‘Just go outside’, he will smugly suggest as I imagine life post-bladder explosion.
I can’t go outside. I just can’t. For us girls it involves careful positioning of clothing, perfect balance and worst of all…. SQUATTING. There is possibly nothing more shameful than squatting in a field with your bare ass being caressed by the cold breeze as you’re watched by inquisitive cows (this never happened to me. Ahem).

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3. Guys can get ready for the day ahead in three/four easy steps:
-Get up
-Shower (optional)
-Brush teeth
-Get dressed

In fact, guys could get ready for their own weddings this way. For us ladies, it’s different. Yes, some of us are pretty low maintenance but you could bet your bottom farthing that most of us spend quite a bit of time getting ready to face the world every morning; there’s shampooing, conditioning, blowdrying, straightening/curling, negotiating with mascara wands while making all manner of ridiculous facial expressions, etc.
You might say that this is unnecessary buuuuuuut…

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Tell that to Katy Perry

4. Guys don’t have periods

Most of the time, I’m a nice girl. But once a month, when my Aunt Mary (I gave it a friendly name in the hope I would welcome it more, it didn’t work) comes to visit, I turn homicidal. Anything with testicles within a 100 metre radius is in imminent danger of death by scissors kick. I turn into an emotional mess, crying at TV adverts and getting angry at toilet paper being hung in improper overhand fashion.

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Me, last time “Aunt Mary” visited

5. Ageing is an easier process for men

There are some hot female celebrities out there who are sma-hoking (Helen Mirren, call me) and who haven’t felt the need to Botox themselves within an inch of their lives. Most women fear ageing like men fear a swift kick in the nuts. I’m going to blame a combination of the media and all those freakin Real Housewives who look like extras from House of Wax. Some women are now resorting to face-lifts and Botox in THEIR TWENTIES.
And men? Well, it seems the older they get, the more desirable they become. Think of the most desirable of all the silver foxes, George Clooney. He still has women of all ages throwing themselves at him (probably literally). Then there’s Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Junior (is it hot in here?)
My point is that Jack has grey hairs on his head and he looks gorgeous. I will no doubt look like this:

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10 things you should never say to an angry woman

1. I’m just going to go out and get drunk with the guys till you calm down.

2. You shouldn’t sulk. It makes your face look fat.

3. You’re starting to sound like your mother.

4. In my defence, it’s your fault.

5. If you’re mad about this, I’m just glad I haven’t told you about all the other stuff I’ve done.

6. My ex girlfriend never seemed to mind.

7. I am taking this seriously, I promise. I just remembered a really funny scene from Seinfeld.

8. As long as you have absolutely no follow up questions, yes I was listening to everything you said.

9. I’m not saying I don’t see your point of view, I’m saying it’s stupid.

10. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch any of that. I was mentally playing ‘Call of Duty.’

photo: istockphoto.com

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16 of the funniest things my boyfriend has said but might mean he’s actually slow

1. We used to work in a supermarket. Customer: Do you have a rent book?
Jack: Is that a novel?

2. A customer asks do we sell bamboo mats for rolling sushi. Jacks brings him a pack of kebab skewers with the logic ‘couldn’t you just tie them together?’

3. ‘I would really like to be a blacksmith.’

4. ‘I just think cats are sneaky.’

5. ‘The surname “O’ Rourke” reminds me of smelly blankets.’

6. When I asked him to pick me up a Mars Bar and to buy some toilet paper. ‘Great, it looks like I’m gonna eat a Mars Bar and take a crap.’

7. Jack at the Chinese
Jack: Can I have a beef chow mein and boiled rice please?
*After the girl has gone to give our order*
Me: You didn’t mean to order the rice, did you?
Jack: *Pause* No.

8. Singing in the kitchen ‘Whoopi Goldberg is my mother…la la la’

9. I wake Jack up.
Jack: Aw, why did you wake me up? I was having the most amazing dream. I was chopping wood with Steve Gutenberg.

10. Jack looks deep in thought.
I ask him, assuming he is thinking grand and romantic thoughts, what he is thinking.
‘I was just thinking how cool it would be to own a bullet proof submarine’.

11. Sitting watching Dragon’s Den. ‘Pfft. I’d be just as good at coming up with ideas…like, Viagra…for women…called, erm “Eager Beaver”‘.

12. Early one morning, I wake up bleary eyed. Jack is literally an inch from my face.
‘Sometimes when you’re asleep, you stop breathing. It’s hilarious.’

13. After a day at work
Me: So how was your day?
Jack: My stapler broke, but then I fixed it.
Me: And you didn’t have a heart attack from all the excitement?

14. Jack watches an episode of (children/teen programme) “Are You Afraid Of The Dark?” which is about as scary as Barney. He wakes me up in the middle of the night
‘Erm, will you walk me to the bathroom?’

15. ‘I’m irresistible to old ladies. It’s like I give off some kind of scent. Like a mixture of murray mints and lavender.’

16. We put our two female guinea pigs in a cage together.
Jack: So, they definitely can’t get pregnant?
Me: No, they’re both girls.
Jack: So, they won’t get pregnant.
Me: I just said they’re both girls.
Jack: So, they can’t, like, grow a penis or anything?
Me: ……….