Tell me your best bad joke

Hey there lovelies 😀

I had a lovely time visiting home, even if I did get lured into a banjo duet with a questionable looking kid (this didn’t actually happen, I’m implying that the area I’m from is similar to the place portrayed in the movie Deliverance and if you didn’t get that, well, maybe I’m just not that funny *cries*).

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I got to catch up with my lovely family, and even ate some Easter eggs (I’m writing this on a treadmill…okay, I’m writing this on my sofa while changing the channels with my foot, HAPPY NOW?!). Tomorrow, I’m going jogging. Or having a cardiac arrest. Only time will tell.

Anyway, I had such an amazing time with my family that I actually cried when I was leaving them. I curled up in my mother’s arms like a baby. A giant woman-baby. Well, that’s disturbing.

For the journey home, my mother amused me with terrible jokes. Here are some of her best:

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE

Why do swallows fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk.

What did the Lion King say to Simba when he was walking too slow?
MUFASA!

These were so bad that I inevitably ended up laughing at my mother (especially because she thinks she’s HILARIOUS!) and I was cheered up in no time 🙂

So, what’s your best bad joke? If you share it with me I will smile and I have a wonderfully creepy smile, so everyone wins. Tell me your bad jokes and I’ll have eater’s remorse while having nightmares about giant Easter eggs chasing me (I’m not even lying, that has happened). As Snoop Dogg would say, PEACE!

Do you talk to yourself?

I talk to myself on an almost daily basis. I would really like to think that I’m not crazy but, well, there’s only so many conversations I can have with myself before I start questioning my own sanity.

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This morning, Jack went to work before me. When my alarm went off, this is how my monologue went:

“Suppose I’d better get up. Man, I’m so warm and snuggly. Is snuggly even a word? Snuggly. Snugg-ly. Hmm. Jane, you’re talking to yourself. I think you need a holiday.”

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Really Joker? REALLY?

Then of course, there was my fight with the toaster. The toaster burned my toast cause the toaster is a d**k.

“Ugh, why can’t you be a regular toaster? Why do you have to be all ‘ooh, I’m a hot toaster’ and incinerate everything?!”

I realised my cat was looking at me, possibly thinking Um, human, there doesn’t seem to be another human around sooo…. who the hell are you talking to?

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Of course, I don’t talk to myself all the time. I’m not a total weirdo. Right? RIGHT?

I just find myself thinking aloud, I suppose. I also have arguments with household appliances, which I almost always win.

The way I look at it, if Hamlet could talk to himself, then so can I. I mean, he turned out fine. Ahem.

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So I’m going to put it to you, lovely readers. Do you talk to yourself? Or am I even more insane than I thought? Am I going to wake up to my cat saying this in the morning?

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10 IMPORTANT LESSONS FROM THE MOVIES

1. Anyone who craves human flesh probably doesn’t look like this:

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but more like this:

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2. Getting intimate with a giant furry beast will probably not result in this:

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But may look more like this:
(Jack pointed out that the man looks like ‘a mixture of Jesus and Kris Kristofferson’.)

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3. Singing loudly in public will probably not result in this:

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but this might happen:

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4. This is a real archaeologist:

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This is not:

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5. Not all guys look this good in a vest:

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and this guy wants you to remember that:

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6. There’s watching someone sleep…

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…and there’s just plain stalking

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7. If a momma’s boy starts discussing taxidermy with you, it’s best to back away slowly

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8. Platform 9 3/4 is a great idea

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…but it doesn’t exist

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9. Random and spontaneous dances are never this well choreographed:

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This is more like it:

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10. Some people are just plain selfish

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14 lies my older siblings told me

Many people propagate the myth that being the youngest in a family has many benefits. Well, I am here to dispel that particular fallacy.
I love my older brother and sister, but man did they fill my head with a lot of crap. Here are some of the best things they convinced me were most definitely true and should never be questioned:

1. That there were pirates living in a hole in my back garden.

2. That you could get very very drunk on apple juice.

3. That riding on a roller coaster would bring me to another dimension (thanks a lot, ‘Dungeons and Dragons’).

4. That I was adopted from two criminals who were now in jail but would no doubt want me back when they were released.

5. That Tom Jones is black.

6. That inside every apple was a worm.

7. That Roald Dahl’s ‘The Witches’ was a true story and I would inevitably be turned in to a mouse at some point in my life.

8. That my toys came alive when I left the room.

9. That wrestling was real and that The Undertaker was coming for me.

10. That having £100 made you a millionaire. Maths was not my strong-suit.

11. That the next door neighbour was a practicing witch with a giant cauldron who liked to cook children.

12. That the other next door neighbour was a convicted child-killer. Her weapon of choice was a ten inch serrated knife apparently.

13. That before I was born my parents used to bring my siblings on a biannual trip to Disneyland.

14. That the tooth fairy actually knocked more teeth out of your mouth when it visited because it’s greedy like that.

Picture: weheartit.com