It’s 2015 in Ireland 🍀

It’s just turned midnight here in Ireland, meaning it’s now 2015. If you’re reading this from 2014, the future isn’t that much different… except Kim Kardashian’s ass is now the eighth wonder of the world and Vladimir Putin revealed his favourite song is It’s Raining Men.

Happy New Year lovelies! Xxx

Dear Future Me

Dear future me,

Have you seen the movie Tractor? No, me neither, I’ve only seen the trailer. Har har, get it? You always say open with a joke sooo…

Moving swiftly on. I decided to write this because I wrote a letter to fifteen year old me who obviously can’t read what I wrote because she’s in some 2002 time warp wearing combat pants and drinking vanilla Coke, but you can. You, future Jane, or present Jane by the time you read this (my braaaaain), you can read exactly what I wrote to you and heed my advice. Just because I’m younger than you doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad advice. I just want you to still have fun, even if you probably can’t drink tequila and put your foot behind your head anymore.
I reeeally hope you’re thinking:

20140412-152355.jpg
Source

I hope that everything is going well for you. If you are healthy, have a home, still have Jack, have a son or daughter and a steady job then I want you to know that you are very very lucky. Because you’re me, you probably complain, even when things are going well. But listen- you need to quit it and appreciate what you have. Don’t make me jump into my flux capacitor and come get you.

Right now, I’m happy…but there is so much more that I want. And I am hoping that you have some of those things. Of course, you’re not going to have them all. I doubt you’re best friends with Jennifer Lawrence, living in Aruba and hosting Letterman. But if you are happy, healthy and secure… Well, that’s all we’ve ever hoped for, right?

I want you to know that this Jane loves to laugh. She loves Jack very much. She loves the countryside and the sound of laughter. Her family are everything to her. She helps young minds open up to the world around them. If, for any reason, something has made you forget all of this, then I want to remind you: your life has meaning. You were happy. You can be happy again.

If your life is going dandy and you know it, then swell. It would be really great if you could master time-travel and come back to give me some dough. Come on Jane, I’m waiting. No? fine, I’m so putting you in a home.

Let me just end by reminding you that you once touched Nick Carter as he was thrusting in leather and covered in sweat, just incase you forgot. Who am I kidding, of course you didn’t forget. I just wanted to revisit that memory. *goes to dark part of mind*

Also, I’m dying my hair already because I’ve spotted a grey hair or two. If you could keep that up so I don’t resemble a Shakespearean hag, that’d be great.

I’m going to go do handstands while I still can, don’t be too jealous. You’re still a total catch.

Yours (literally),

Past Jane (creepy smile) x

Your Twenties: Expectations Vs Reality

Remember those final days of your late teenage years, where you excitedly anticipated your coming twenties like a child anticipates Disney Land? And like Disney Land, you envisioned your twenties to be full of roller coaster rides, pretty dresses and people vomiting (from all the awesome parties you’re going to attend, obviously). Except, like Disney Land, your twenties rarely turns out just like you had planned.

So here it is: Your Twenties- Expectations vs Reality

Expectation:

You’re going to join your close circle of friends every day for grown up lattes/wine and engage in witty repartee (preferably in an uber-pretentious East Village style cafe)

20140127-131651.jpg
Source

Reality:

Erm, you know those job things? Yeah, you’ll actually have to get one. Which means there’ll be no day time mocha-sessions and by night, you’ll look like this:

20140127-132005.jpg
Source
(Except that you’re a human, duh)

Expectation:

You’re going to live in a swanky apartment with your best friends/gay roommate and engage in all sort of misadventures. There may even be a laugh track to accompany your every move.

20140127-132520.jpg
Source

Reality:

Erm, you know that little thing called “rent”? Well, turns out it’s expensive. This is more likely where you’ll wind up:

20140127-132811.jpg
Source

Expectation:

By your mid to late twenties, you’re going to be the CEO of your very own business. Doing what? Doesn’t matter! CEO B**CHES!!

20140127-133205.jpg
Source

Reality:

Calm down there, Branson. This isn’t The Apprentice. Sure, you might be the CEO…of the stamp licking department.

20140127-133741.jpg
Source

Expectation:

You’re going to go travelling and meet so many interesting people…

20140127-134109.jpg
and they’ll make a film called ‘The Beach’ based on your adventures
Source

Reality:

Traveling costs money. Which you don’t have. Cause you’re poor. Sorry.

20140127-134415.jpg
Source

Expectation:

You’ll finally be a grown-up; independent of your parents and ready to take on the world all by yourself.

20140127-134918.jpg
Source

Reality:

To your parents, you will always be a kid. Especially when you call them to tell them there’s a spider in your bath.

20140127-135636.jpg
Source

Expectation:

You won’t make any mistakes in your twenties because you’ll be so mature.
Possibly you

20140127-140233.jpg
Source

Reality:

…but more than likely, you’ll still be doing this:

20140127-140400.jpg
Source

Expectation:

You’ll get married.

20140127-140955.jpg
Male highlights: optional
Source

Reality:
…you didn’t let me finish: TO YOUR HOARD OF CATS

20140127-141154.jpg
Source

A LETTER TO MY FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SELF

Hey fifteen year old Jane,

It’s twenty six year old Jane. There’s probably lots of things you’d like to know, like which Backstreet Boy you’re gonna marry or how the career of that cute girl from ‘The Parent Trap’ is going. It’s bad news on both counts. Don’t sweat though, I’m not writing this from the maximum security wing of some futuristic women’s prison. That’s all I’ll say about where I am, I remember how much you like surprises.

So you know the way you’re the bane of your teachers’ existence with your constant chatter and witticisms?(In your head, anyway.) Well, GUESS WHAT? You are now the recipient of this behaviour; you decide (I think you’ll be around seventeen) that it would be just WONDERFUL to become a teacher. And you know what? It is wonderful. You’ll have a pretty stressful few years in your career (you’ll be thrown in to teaching a maths class and you know how crap you are at maths), but you’ll love it and you’ll even get gifts from your students from time to time (as well as grief, but it’s all part of the job). Remember this one tip: teenagers will work insanely hard for rewards of a chocular variety.

Also, stop messing with your hair. At the moment, it’s a very bright blond and you look RIDICULOUS. I’m sorry, but have some sense woman/girl. You’ll get to eighteen and you’ll realise that being a brunette suits you so much more. And also, the bleach will actually result in some of your hair falling out when you’re seventeen. I’m sorry, ok? You were going through your obsession with The Simple Life and it got out of hand. But right now, I have very long and thick hair (I don’t really care anymore but I know you’ll appreciate this). Also, an amazing invention known as hair straighteners will mean you won’t look like Melanie Griffiths anymore #winning (sorry, a little futuristic humour for you there).

Now, you’re gonna need to sit down for this one (maybe on that really cool bean bag that you end up losing in college). By twenty six you still won’t be married. Or have kids. Or a very stable job. But hear me out.

Soon enough, you’re going to meet the person that will change your life. You won’t know it at first but he will make you happier than playing snake (which I know is totally your thing right now). He’s handsome, funny and intelligent and you’ll even start a little pet family together (really, you could open a petting farm). I won’t tell you anything else because the journey you’re about to take is the best thing that will ever happen to you so just act surprised when you meet him, okay?

You will think about marriage and babies for a long time, but then you’ll realise that you’re happy just being in the moment and going with the flow. The moment is pretty great.

You have some tough times ahead. You know Mam and Dad? Yeah, they split up. And you know the way you faint sometimes? That’s not low blood sugar like you self diagnosed (thank you, dial-up Google), it’s epilepsy (but you kinda kick its ass so don’t worry). You’ll be in a car accident. But look, you’re still here. You’re alive, you’re relatively healthy, your family are safe and you currently have a cat sitting on your shoulder…how cool is that? (Just to clarify, you have the cat there by choice, you’re not in some dingy alley way somewhere surrounded by stray felines.)

The friends you have now? You keep lots of them, but you also lose a few. One of your male friends will profess his undying love for you and you’ll both laugh about it years later. Try to guess which one.

You’re gonna end up moving around a bit, but strangely, you’ll enjoy it. You’ll end up far away from home (and so will your brother, who you’ll miss terribly) but you’ll be okay. In fact, you’ll thrive. You gain far more confidence in your early twenties and you will learn to be more assertive. It won’t be an easy process but you become a person that you finally feel proud to be and because I know how low your self-esteem is right now, that’s pretty amazing.

Your sister (who you’re probably squabbling with right now, HEY PUT HER HANSON CD DOWN) will become one of your best friends. I know you don’t believe me now, but no one will ever make you feel as loved and protected as she does.

I want to say one last thing: you’re a teenager which means you’re…well, you’re kind of a bitch sometimes. Stop pouting at me, we both know you’re not scary. When you get to my age, you’re going to really regret how shabbily you’re treating Dad. I know you find him annoying and embarrassing now, but you’ll look back and realise that he loved you and nurtured you in the most selfless of ways and you were just a big bag of nasty hormones. Go hug him right now.

So Jane, twenty six year old you is not that much different to fifteen year old you. You still watch Kenan and Kel. You still wear jeans (they don’t really go out of fashion but they become a lot tighter) and you still love spaghetti like Miley Cyrus loves twerking (I just realised that pop culture reference makes zero sense to you, just take my word for it). Things have changed though. You’re living with a real life boy. You have a career. You drive (you just got a speeding ticket tut tut) and you haven’t seriously injured anyone yet. All in all, you’re happy.

Just please, please don’t get in anymore photos where you’re wearing dungarees. They will come back to haunt you in ways you can’t imagine. And stop over-plucking your eyebrows, you look like a meth addict.

P.S. No, they don’t have flying cars yet but they do have something called ‘Facebook’ which is just as creepy as it sounds.

If you could write to your fifteen year old self, what would you say?

Happy New Year from the future

Actually missed the New Year’s countdown here in Ireland because my boyfriend was in the bathroom and I was tickling my cat* not doing anything weird. Typical. Happy New Year everyone. For those of you still in 2013, the future isn’t much different but Kanye West is now president of the universe. Genuinely didn’t see that one coming.

*not a euphemism