This post is more all over the place than 2007 Britney

My poor blog. Seriously. It is so neglected that if it were a person, it would be wearing a burlap sack and banging a tin cup against the bars of the prison I keep it in. Thankfully, it’s not a person. But I must admit, I’ve been less than diligent with my posting. I love blogging. When I first started, I found a part of myself I never really knew existed. It has opened me up in a way that nothing else ever really could have. So I will come back to my blog, clean it up a little and bake it some cookies by way of an apology. I will also eat those cookies because that’s what my blog would want.

Last time I wrote, I discussed my issues with anxiety. While I am feeling a lot better, it is a daily struggle. The medication helps significantly, but I’m frequently exhausted beyond belief. I also suffer from vestibular migraines, which my anxiety medication actually treats. So yay, I guess? All in all, I’m not doing too badly. 

As some of you may know, I’m a secondary school teacher (I teach English and history and a smattering of other things). I’ve just been working part time and am now on school holidays, although I will be acting as a scribe for a student who is unable to write her exams. I actually love doing it. 

I’m still living in my little cottage with my two cats, two dogs and lovely boyfriend. J is working full-time as well as completing his PhD. He is a little unwell at the moment and that’s been another cause for concern. Please send him good thoughts! 

Just reading over this, it all seems a little subdued. I’m actually in a very good place. For me, having a sense of humour has been key to getting through the last year. It wasn’t always easy, but I really do believe the old cliche: laughter is the best medicine. My friends have been amazing in helping me. We just laugh constantly (I mean, we breathe sometimes too) and it helps me no end. 

I recently turned thirty (as I’ve mentioned about a million times!) and instead of the anticipated freak-out, I’m actually really at peace with it all. Really. Ahem. Honestly though, I’m still a silly, slightly crazy, giggling pile of incompetence and that’s okay. I have learned over the years not to take myself so seriously. I’m really learning to be okay with who I am, and who I am not. 

So, in conclusion, here’s what I did last month instead of correcting exam scripts… because necessary. 

Do Something Silly

One of the things I’ve learned and accepted about myself since confronting my issues with anxiety is the fact that I over-think absolutely everything. I’m sure those of you reading this who have experienced the same issues will totally relate to what I’m saying. I constantly fear judgement, criticism and ridicule. As a result, I often find myself acting in a manner that really doesn’t feel natural. Sure, we all must act professional and mature in certain circumstances. Sometimes, however, being an adult means we neglect our inner child, or in my case, my inner goof. So I am urging you, dearest reader, to find that silly eejit who lives inside all of us. It’s liberating but above all, it’s fun. Here’s me playing around on Snapchat.

If anyone wants me, I’ll be hurling eggs at passing cars.*

*No I won’t because that’s a) dangerous and b) I’m actually making an omelette.

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Awards post where I break the rules #23

Hello there my lovely virtual friends! Two of my wonderful WordPress amigos nominated me for awards. Erika Kind nominated me for the Sunshine Award. Here is her original post, which will show you what an inspiring and amazing person she is. I really can’t say enough Kind (see what I did there, eh? EH?) things about her.

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I was also nominated for the Infinity Dreams Award by Spence’s Girl. Her post is here and I got insanely excited reading it because we have so much in common. So if you even kind of like me (and you do, right? *nervous laugh*) then you will love her!

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Thank you both so much ladies, not just for the awards but for being really amazing women!

Anyway, as much as I love awards, the posts always take forever to write, and then I inevitably forget to nominate someone and my pizza goes cold. And that is just THE WORST. So instead of following the rules….I’m gonna rebel…again.

I have wanted to use that video for so long…..

Both Erika and Spence’s Girl left great questions to answer as part of their posts, so I will answer those and that’s doing half of it right at least….*clutches at straws*

So without further ado, here are the questions from Erika’s post:

1)    Which decade do you miss the most?

Like most ’80’s babies, I can’t say enough amazing things about the ’90s. Life was much simpler back then, before smartphones and social media. And let’s not even talk about the cartoons, the Nickelodeon shows, the amazing fashion, girl power and hair mascara. HAIR MASCARA. I’ll stop now, because I might genuinely cry. *Sobs through Kenan and Kel theme tune*

2)    To which poet do you feel most connected to?

This is a difficult question for me to answer since I taught students about poetry for so long, and I really connected with so many poets. I have loved Shakespeare’s sonnets, T.S. Eliot, W.B. Yeats, Elizabeth Bishop, Adrienne Rich, Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Patrick Kavanagh and Seamus Heaney…I could go on all day. If I absolutely had to pick, I would choose Sylvia Plath. Her poetry is so raw, honest, intense and personal that it just evokes something so strong in me every time I read it. One of my favourite poems of hers is the poem Elm, which is actually so intense and emotional that it is difficult to read.

3)    Your spirit cartoon character/TV show artist?

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Garfield. He hates Mondays and he loves lasagne. If he wasn’t a cat….I’d marry him.

4)    Your favourite indulgence when in stress?

Chocolate, specifically Kinder Buenos or Galaxies. Or a fancy coffee…or both.

5)    How has your blog helped you the most?

I don’t even know where to start. I was going through a pretty difficult part of my life and I felt kind of….lost. I started my blog to serve as a place that I could come and just be silly and forget about the stresses of the real world. I never, ever thought that anyone would actually read anything I wrote, not to mind actually be so kind to me. I have met so many people here who have helped me, sometimes without even realising it. So to answer this question, my blog has helped me by connecting me with such a wonderful, supportive community. I never feel lonely.

And now…….*drumroll*…….Spence’s Girl’s questions:

1.What is your favorite comfort food?

I make a lovely shepherd’s pie. It is so lovely on a cold evening.

2.Do you have siblings?

Yep! I have an older sister and an older brother. They are amazing.

3.Live to eat or eat to live?

Live to eat, totally…I adore food. I once fell asleep on a pizza. I may have been slightly intoxicated.

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4. Swim in a lake, ocean or a pool?

I’m actually not a great swimmer. I really need my feet to be able to touch the bottom. I’d feel safest in a pool…in an inflatable ring.

5. Coffee or tea?

I actually adore both. Coffee in the morning, tea in the evening.

6. What is your favorite time of day to blog?

Usually the evening, when I’m not distracted….by…all the….shiny…..things…..

7. Name something from your “bucket list”

This is going to sound crazy…but I would really (times a million) LOVE to find a meteorite. I love astronomy and space, so finding something that is billions of years old and has fallen from space would be so amazing. I’m actually buying one next week. But finding my own one will always be the dream.

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8.What scares you?

I struggle to even type this without shuddering….*whispers* spiders. I really am terrified of them. I’m also terrified of tidal waves (random, I know). That scene in Interstellar caused me to actually struggle to breathe.

Just a whole bag of nope

Just a whole bag of nope

9.Cats or dogs?

Both! I have two dogs, Molly and Oscar and a cat called Kit. I also have guinea pigs…so a zoo, basically, I have a zoo.

10. Best childhood memory?

I have a few. They are really simple, but I think its their simplicity that has made them so appealing. I loved playing outdoors in the summer nights with my friends. We lived in a beautiful yet tiny village in the south of Ireland. I also loved visiting my grandparents, which I wrote about here.

11. What or who makes you laugh?

Everything. Literally….everything. I am one of those people who laughs all the time. I just can’t help it. I actually spent a long time today conversing with an African Grey Parrot called George, who was HILARIOUS. He wolf-whistled at me, which meant I was totally working my sensible fleece jumper.

So there you go guys. I’m sure you learned absolutely nothing but…we all survived, which is the main thing.

Bad Blogging Tips

Say you want to boost your blog stats, inject your site with a bit of razzle-dazzle, wow every visitor with your gorgeous graphics and perfectly crafted posts… Well, there’s an abundance of blogging advice and tips out there for you to reach for those blogging stars. So hit up Google and say hi to all the cat memes you’ll inevitably meet for me.

But say you want your blog to be rubbish? Not just rubbish, the biggest pile of reconstituted horse faecal matter this side of the Seine. Well friends, as the author of a blog that is so spectacularly disorganised that it makes a person on an episode of Hoarders look like Sheldon Cooper, I feel it would be prudent to dispense the bad blogging tips. Because it’s boring being perfect all the time.

So here it is guys, my top tips to achieve blogging mediocrity:

1. Have no schedule, whatsoever

Sure, you could have a blogging routine and schedule posts for say, once or twice a week…or you could just post whenever you damn well please. *picture me slugging beer and smoking cigars…and coughing because cigars are awful.*
Seriously, why make blogging a chore? Just write whenever the mood (or owl meme) strikes. It’s what I do and we all know I’ve made a huge success of my life. *awkward silence*

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2. Get lazy and just post pictures of hungover owls

People like owls.

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See?

3. Don’t bother editing your posts

Peple wil stll kno wht u meen.

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4. Forget what you were talking about halfway through a post so just post a picture of a cat…

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5. Post while highly intoxicated*

LET’S GO STREEEEEEAKING!!

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6. Have absolutely no blog niche

Honestly, I still have no idea what category my blog fits into. I haven’t made a concerted effort to attain a defined niche. Instead, I post whatever my brain decides is a good idea. You may have noticed my brain likes owls, cats, weirdness, awkwardness, memes and my boyfriend.

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Do you have any bad blogging tips?

*I’m not intoxicated right now. It’s a school night and my cat needs a responsible role model.

Five Ways To Find Your Inner Child

Do you ever just not want to be an adult? Do you ever just want to let your inner child run riot in an explosion of macaroni, crayons and bad decisions?

I have to say that I adult pretty hard on a daily basis. I work hard, I’m allowed to play with scissors and I even pay taxes. Except on the wages in my off shore account, but that’s for another post.* There are times, however, when I yearn for the simplicity of my childhood years; for the times when my only worry was how my friend was definitely shafting me in our Pokemon card exchanges. If you too miss the carefree fun of your childhood, here are some ways to let your inner child out for an irresponsible time:

1. Make prank phone calls

There is nothing quite as exhilarating as asking some stranger over the phone whether their refrigerator is running. Some would say “that’s immature” and to those people, I say “is your refrigerator running?” 😀

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2. Colour

Let’s face it, no one ever grows out of colouring. It’s the third most fun thing you can do with your hands (the first being eating pizza, the second being a tie between juggling and mime artistry).

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3. Give the worst comeback in an argument…EVER

The best thing about being a child? Being exempt from mature debate because, well, you’re a kid. When someone is clearly gaining the upper hand in an argument, you don’t have to actually respond with anything remotely sensical. Say something like: “why don’t you go high-five a unicorn?” Argument: won.

4. Eat so much junk food you almost throw up

Remember when you got to go to a friend’s house for a birthday party and Mammy wasn’t there to say “stop stuffing your face with ice cream sandwiches and bacon” so you just went wild on an orgy of sugar and bite sized snacks? You officially did not have a childhood if you didn’t throw up from overeating at least once. Perhaps on a slide. While wearing your favourite Kylie Minogue top. I’ll stop now. So what are you waiting for? Break out the raw cookie dough and marshmallows.

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5. Play a game

I actually play games with my friends all the time (physical games, not mind games, puhlease). Once a friend of mine called to my house unexpectedly. When I answered the door, I was breathless. My friend asked what Jack and I had been up to, winking at me in the process. My answer? “We’ve just had a killer game of Hide and Seek.” I’m not allowed play board games though, ’cause I’m a little bit of a sore loser. They may have been an incident with a monopoly piece and Jack’s nose. Ahem.

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*The author would like to clarify that this was a poor attempt at humour and wishes to reassure any members of the revenue commission who may have been lured to this blog by promises of free owl pictures that the author pays her taxes and does not actually have an offshore account. She doesn’t even know where the Cayman Islands are.

This is the kind of relationship we have…part deux

Yesterday, I bought myself a lot of some chocolate. Not just any chocolate mind you, Galaxy chocolate. Galaxy is so fancy and tasty that before I eat it, I pour it a glass of wine and light some candles. You can’t just scoff this chocolate, you have to be nice to it.

I decided to save it for Saturday night, where I was going to sit femininely cross legged and eat each square one by one, all sexy like. LOL, joke, this was totally the plan:

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Instead, something terrible happened. Now readers, I must prepare you. You won’t want to see chocolate like this but it’s necessary for my story. I got up in the morning and found my chocolate like this:

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Turns out, Jack had decided that it was far too much for one person and had taken half of it. I can’t describe the feeling of betrayal that swept through me. I decided to deal with the thievery in the only way I know how: sending Jack a barrage of angry owl memes.

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http://cheezburger.com/6426246400

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Naturally, I expected Jack to be terrified. You know, because…angry owls. Instead, he sent me this:

“This is what I’m imagining you doing right now Jane”:

Asshat.

Good News (for me…so selfish)

Things just got insane.
I’m a finalist in the humour category at the Blog Awards Ireland. If I was a teenage girl, I would be squealing. Who am I kidding? I’m totally squealing.

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Since there was no one around for me to celebrate with, I shared a packet of crisps with my cat. I’ve heard that’s how Jack Nicholson celebrates Oscar wins (there’s possibly more Playboy models involved, but whatevs).

My sister also had a baby, so I now have a nephew. The addition of this kid means I’m one step closer to achieving my dream of turning my family into a travelling circus. Dibs on lion tamer.

Want to tell me what you’re doing for the weekend? I am watching YouTube clips of people falling over a documentary about the humanitarian crisis in Gaza. Ahem.

Have a great and wine-filled night! X

A Tour Through My Very Weird Camera Roll

Happy weekend everyone! LETS GO CRAAAAZY AND DO SHOTS! Haha, not really, let’s wear onesies and watch Finding Nemo.

So today Jack needed to send a text from my phone. I left the room to do important Jane stuff (eat marshmallows and line dance with my cat). When I came in, Jack looked confused.
“What’s up?” I asked, taking my phone back.
“Um, nothing”, he replied, eyeing me suspiciously.
“What?” I prodded. It was obvious something was bothering him.
“Your camera roll on your phone…is…really weird.”
“What else would you expect?” I asked, laughing. He’s right, by the way. It’s insane. Let’s take a look at some of my pictures, shall we?

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There this photo of a dog that I don’t own because cute dogs are to me what supermodels are to teenage boys.

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I’m not even gonna feel bad about this, it’s gold.

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Ditto.

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I like to intermittently send this to my friends when they text me gossip.

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And this if for when they insult me. Sorry not sorry.

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You’re probably sensing a theme here. And yes, there are dozens more of these. Seriously, if I’m ever hacked, this is 97% of my camera roll.

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I also like to photograph the back of my head…for art. And research.

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There’s an estimated 6000 pictures of my cat asleep. She’s majestic.

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I love Steven Seagal.

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Here’s a woman I don’t know!

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Escargot, aw haw haw!

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Messi looks like Eric Bana, yes?

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I send this to Jack because he is smarter than me.

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I’m sure there’s a good reason I have a picture of Emily Dickinson in my phone…

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WHY WOULD SOMEONE HAVE THIS IN THEIR CAR??!!!

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I gave Jack a makeover.

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My cat decided she wanted a bath….

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…and that she wanted to wear a turban.

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There were some pretty pictures…

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…and some pictures of Kevin’s Mom from Home Alone.

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My guinea pig taking selfies…

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…and a hitch-hiking sheep.

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The time I realised my cat is also Spider-Man.

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WINDMILL FTW!

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*Snigger*

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Apparently there was an instance where I needed a picture of the scary nun from The Magdalene Sisters and Emilio from Dangerous Minds. Perhaps I was writing very very weird fan fiction.

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This donkey confused me. Is it Rastafarian?

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I got sunburnt and looked like the Swiss flag.

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I probably had this picture for a very good reason but I cannot remember what that reason was.

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There are 36 pictures of my own teeth. I can only assume I was drunk when this happened. Very, very drunk.

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There are several face-swap pictures of Jack and I. Disturbing. Very disturbing.

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Yes. That is frogspawn.

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More Beyonce.

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My cat sure knew how to chill.

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I bought my guinea pigs a swing and they’re all Little House On The Prairie.

That’s only the ones that are safe for here. Most were of me hugging strangers and climbing lampposts. There were 3 photos of me eating hotdogs and no that is not a euphemism, I was actually eating hotdogs.
If you like, why don’t you show us some of your camera roll? Is it as random as mine?

What’s up with me and other thoughts..

Sup guys?

(Ok, so that’s me trying to come across all nonchalant but really I MISSED YOU ALL.)

I’ve been in and out of the doctor’s and I’m still waiting on an appointment for more tests to find out what exactly is going on with me, but I can definitely rule out Juggler’s Arm because my juggling is still on point. (And also, because I made up Juggler’s Arm.)

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So, I’m still making bad jokes but at least I’m not bombarding you with pictures of owls. That was a trick, here’s an owl:

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Here are some random thoughts I’ve had today:

I really love this time of year because I get to throw bunches of leaves at people I don’t like.

I would really love to go on a slide.

No one can pull off dungarees.

The thought of someone wearing dungarees and crocs makes me feel physically ill.

If I had a llama, I would call him Brian.

I would look hilarious with a perm.

I would love to go to a hoedown.

I’m scared of the Cirque du Soleil.

1940s style and music was amazing.

I also watched this video, and cried. But they were happy tears. If you want to have all the warm feelings, check it out:

I’m back to work, and I’m also teaching adults now *gives you a few minutes to stop laughing*. It’s actually a lot of fun and I’m being totally mature…ish. It is a little weird having ladies in their mid-fifties call me “miss”, even though I insist they call me by my first name. They are just so polite and I’m actually a little in awe of them.
It’s very surreal for me because these ladies are the same age as my mother and they were educated in a time where a teacher was seen as a very authoritative presence. Maybe I should stop bringing the whip?

So that’s what’s been going on in my life (I also got abducted by aliens but no one cares about that). Tell me about what’s going on with you?

My Awkward Moment of the Day

Even though my entire life is an exercise in awkwardness and social discomfort, there is a silver lining. Whenever I find myself thrust (sometimes literally…) into the middle of an embarrassing scenario, I think to myself “I can’t wait to blog about this.” So, you see, it’s not all bad.

Today I decided that I wanted, nay NEEDED, croissants in my life. Possibly chocolate filled, my inner fat kid mused…fattily. So I decided to drive (my inner fat kid doesn’t like when I walk) to the local shop. Since it’s a five minute drive through multiple speed bumps, I decided against wearing my seatbelt. I also wanted to air-guitar/air-drum my way through “In Bloom” by Nirvana and my seat belt restricts my mojo slightly. Okay, that’s stupid. You should ALWAYS wear a seatbelt. ALWAYS. And I always* do. Except today.

I drive to the shop. I buy croissants (not chocolate-filled, because diabetes) and I drive home, again sans seatbelt. My iPod is on shuffle. I’ve got pastry. Life is good….

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If you’re offended by this, sorry. I’ll go pose with a leprechaun or something.

…Until I notice a Garda checkpoint directly in front of my house. For my dear foreign friends, a Garda checkpoint is basically a police blockade where they check things like tax, insurance, licence, NCT (the Irish equivalent of the MOT, basically that your car has been certified road-safe) and of course, that you are wearing your seat belt. It is enough to strike fear into any person’s heart, never mind a person who is eating a croissant, air-keyboarding (to The Doors, FYI) and definitely not wearing a seatbelt. Needless to say I panic slightly.

The male Garda** motions for me to stop. I’m in a state of panic. I have to indicate, I have to change gears, I have to roll down the window, I have to reach for my licence but most of all, I have to try to smoothly and subtly put on my seatbelt without him noticing, which is pretty much impossible since he has been maintaining ice-cold eye contact with me the entire time.

OHMYGODWHATIFHEPUTSMEINPRISONFOREVER.

Now I want you to picture this, reader. I want you to visualise this scenario because I promise you, you will have all the LOLs. And I won’t ever say that again.

I nervously pull over. I have four croissants on my lap (don’t be silly, there’ll not all for me. Jack will have one). One is in my mouth and I’m chewing furiously, frowning at the flaky pastry stuck to my chest. Dignity? Nope, never heard of it. I’m trying to veeerrrrry slowly put on my seatbelt while also reaching for my licence. I’m also rolling down the window. My iPod is still blaring out songs on shuffle, but I don’t think to turn the dial down, and also, I’m not an octopus (…yet, it depends how the surgery goes).

Are you with me, reader? Are you picturing all of this? A panicked girl with a seatbelt half on, half off, covered in pastry being approached by a very stern looking man? Okay, good.

Just as the guard gets to my window,
I’m about to explain that I only travelled to the local shop and that I’m sorry and he’s probably about to ask my for my licence. It could of all been very simple. A deserved slap on the wrist for me, a pretty forgettable encounter for him. But no. My life is never that simple.

Before either of us could utter a word, my iPod shuffle decides “hey, you know what would be hilarious? To play the most awkward and inappropriate song at the exact moment that you don’t want to hear it. Har hat har. I may be a robot but I’m hilarious.”

So just as both of us are about to speak, this song plays. I want you to picture the scenario. An already awkward encounter between two strangers, and before anyone speaks, this. Blaring through my stereo.

PLAY IT!

http://youtu.be/s7eTOnNBwYU

Reader,
I’m not sure if the thumbnail of this song is appearing or not but I think it’s more hilarious if it doesn’t. So, surprise!

There’s a moment where I have no reaction, but to just freeze. As the iconic intro begins, we both turn to each other and make the most awkward eye contact ever. Garda’s mouth twitches slightly. He’s going to laugh. He clears his throat.
I reach for the dial and manage to turn the song down just before the titular line is sung and I actually die of awkwardness.

“Am, you’re grand. You’re grand. Drive on there.” He motions me forward. I understand, Garda. Any extension of this encounter may result in us both dying from awkwardness. I complete the fifteen second drive to my door where I decide that this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Ever.

*I may need to revise the definition of the word “always”
**Member of the Irish police force, An Garda Síochána