People I hate at the movies

A while back, I discussed the kinds of people who make me want to go medieval in the supermarket. Not the good kind of medieval, the Samuel L. Jackson kind.

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As bad as these people are (and they are baaaad), there’s another place where I get even more irked. And that, dear readers, is the cinema.

Again, I’m gonna put a big ole disclaimer here and say that I’m a pretty pleasant person. You want a hug? I will hug you. You need a drive somewhere? I got your back. You need blood? Sure, I got lots of it.
But if you go to the cinema and do any of the following, I can say with irrevocable certainty that I hate you. Here is a list of people I hate in the cinema…because bitter.

1. The person who decides that the best time to open their snacks is during the most tense part of the film

You’re pretty hooked on the scene in front of you. It’s a gothic horror set during Victorian times. The protagonist is walking down a long dark corridor and there’s a creepy piano providing the eerie soundtrack. Your heart is thumping in your chest and then…

*rustle* *rustle* *munch* *rustle*

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Nothing ruins the illusion of horror like someone happily munching on M&Ms. I mean man, I get it, you’ve got M&Ms and you’re happy. Of course you are…M&Ms! But seriously, can it or this happens:

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2. The person who laughs. At. Everything.

I get it. I get funnies. Sometimes I laugh for no reason at all, and despite what doctors tell me, I’m probably pretty normal. But when I’m watching a film and I’m stuck beside someone who laughs at everything, well, that’s when I start feeling murdery (I may have made that word up, take note dictionary people).

The other night, I went to see a horror film, and some lady behind me kept nervous laughing during the most frightening scenes. I get that this is probably how she copes with being scared, but if you’re going to become a hyena every time you get scared in a horror film (!) then why not go next door and watch The Fault in our Stars instead? Or is terminal illness also hilarious to you? Jeeeeeez.

3. The person who provides their friends with a running commentary of the film…

…because apparently, there is no way any of us would be able to comprehend the incredibly complex plot of The Lego Movie without your input. Thank you.

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4. The person who takes out their phone

I’m sure your check-in “at the cinema watching Frozen OMGEEEEE” on Facebook can wait. If I can wait to look at the IMDb trivia until I get home, then so can you.

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So murdery right now…

5. People who say stuff like “he’s behind you”.

Does this look like the panto, b**ch?!

6. The person with the bladder the side of a pea who decides to sit in the middle/in the inside of a row

You know this person. They order a gallon of Coke and make several excursions to the bathroom. They have to scooch past you several times. With their ass in your face while you try to avert your eyes and for some reason make this face:

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It took my forever to find the exact expression I was looking for.
Thanks Brit-naaaay.

7. People who invade your personal space*

*in half empty movie theatres, this is widely considered to be the twelve seats immediately surrounding you. Or something.

This is the person that has no concept of the term “awkward.” Even though there are hundreds of empty seats, they want to sit near you. Because you’re awesome and a magnet for needy weirdos. Hurrah.

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8. The person who asks you plot questions

You decide to bring your friend to the cinema because you’re nice like that. Unfortunately for you, you forgot your friend is an idiot. You are positively plagued with questions:

Who’s that guy?

Wait, I thought he was dead, no?

Was that guy in “Survivor”?

Did that guy steal a car? Where did the car come from?

Wait, what did he say?

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9. The person who keeps hitting your seat

Get your feet/leg/hands/torso/ass/forehead/arms/tentacles/WHATEVER off my seat now. Seriously, if I am rocked around on my seat once more, ONCE MORE, I’ll have to get the usher to ask you nicely to stop. YEAH, I’LL DO IT.

10. The person who is late

I’m sure you have a very valid and genuine reason for being thirty minutes late to a film. Your stopover at the snack bar no doubt didn’t help your cause. But hey, none of us mind your chitchat with your buddies when you come in, or having to stand up so you and your friends can take a seat at the inside of the row while you spill popcorn all over us.

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Tell me about who you hate in the cinema?

I’m Just Not That Into This Film

So, I’m sitting watching He’s Just Not That Into You and my blood is probably approaching a temperature that would melt titanium. The thing about me is I don’t really get offended by things easily. This, however (insert manic laugh) this film is a whole clusterf**k of offensive. Unless of course, you agree that virtually ALL women are insanely insecure, desperate, obsessed with marriage and commitment or they are trashy home wrecking slappers and deluded when it comes to reading “the signs”.

Take the character played by Ginnifer Goodwin. She’s the hopelessly pathetic and desperate first dater, oblivious to the signs that a never ending stream of guys are just not that into her. And why wouldn’t they be? It’s not like the stench of stalker and dead rabbit from all the bunnies she has boiled is off-putting.

Babe, I just saw a girl’s name in your phone. Tell me this, who’s “Mom”?

I’m sure this character is supposed to be likeable but her constant cluelessness and delusional behaviour is just plain irritating. I don’t mean to cause offence to anyone here (because, let’s face it, we’ve all been the more heavily invested one in a relationship/fling) but it’s very hard to have sympathy for someone who just keeps making the same mistake. I know that the filmmakers were attempting to convey a “relatable” problem here. But instead, they have thrown together a lazy and stereotypical representation of women that is offensive and inaccurate. Of course, there are women like this but by making this character the primary focus of the film, you are suggesting that this is advice that most single women need or at least, can relate to. Why, oh why, do these ridiculous “chick flicks” always feature these needy and emotionally fragile women? Women, whose sole focus in life is to find a man and pin him down or use trickery to trap him into marriage.

There are numerous other characters in this ensemble cast led piece of crap. There’s Jennifer Anniston’s character who is pressuring her long-term partner to marry her. There’s Scarlett Johannson, who is having an affair with a married man. There’s Jennifer Connolly (wife of said married man), who, get this, blames herself for her husband’s affair and even though I’m pretty sure we’re also meant to like her, she comes across as very highly strung and intense, because we all know that women just can’t be cool.

Of course, men don’t come across as wholly angelic in this film either but at least they are portrayed as having a semblance of rationality. I’m also aware that this film is not exactly going to be studied in any university sociology courses any time soon. Perhaps I’m getting a little bit uptight (hey, maybe they could give me a part in a sequel) about what’s basically the film equivalent of candy floss. I just take issue with these stereotypes being promulgated, especially since this was also a book. A BOOK.

I would by no means refer to myself as a feminist, but this film just got my back up from start to finish. And yes, I watched it the whole way through because I was silently wishing Danny Trejo would burst in, wielding his machete and taking names in some sort of bizarre yet hilarious Hollywood crossover. It didn’t happen.

I’m sure there are plenty of women out there who loved this film. And I’m not suggesting these women are crazy, but these women are crazy.

I’ve just realised that I have ranted about women in film before, but am I alone in thinking that women are horrendously misrepresented in mainstream media? Our fictional counterparts have so much more to give than being relegated to portraying simpering and insecure damsels in distress.

It’s okay to have man problems, it’s not okay to being solely defined by these problems.

Picture credits:
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Who is your weird crush?

We all have that one celebrity crush that we would be reluctant to share publicly. A while back, I asked my friends on Facebook to share their “weird crushes.” The answers were at times disturbing, bizarre but also, weirdly relatable. I have decided to list them here, for your viewing pleasure.

Alan Rickman

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Maybe Professor Snape doesn’t quite float your boat, but if you’ve seen Sense and Sensibility you’ll totally get this.

Gordon Ramsay

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Yeah, he’s kind of a douche but there is something so rugged and alpha male about him, according to my friend anyway. Yes, my friend. *slowly backs out of room*

Michael Cera

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Personally, Michael Cera doesn’t exactly tickle my fancy (ooh-er) but he is kind of adorable, like a mixture between a puppy and a sheep.

David Bowie

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I’ve got weird friends. But I can’t disagree on this one. There is something about Bowie.

Derren Brown

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He does magic. Nuff said.

Hank Azaria

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When he played geeky David in Friends, I melted inside. The fact that he also voices Moe in The Simpsons makes me love him even more.

Jeff Bridges, specifically in The Big Lebowski

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I want to say I’m not getting this (he’s wearing jelly sandals for crying out loud)…buuuut

Barack Obama

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It’s his voice; his rich, velvety voice.

Benedict Cumberbatch

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My problem here is that my friends were acting as if harbouring a giant crush on Benedict Cumberbatch was something to be ashamed of. I mean, come on, he’s AMAZING! Have you seen Sherlock? The Oscars photobomb? I’m a total Cumberbitch.

Jack Dee

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For those of you who don’t know him, Jack Dee is an English comedian. He’s delightfully sardonic and cranky which just adds to his overall appeal.

And the weirdest crush of all goes to my boyfriend, which is frankly, disturbing:

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Someone PLEASE tell me I’m hotter than Angela Lansbury? Someone? Anyone?

Who is your weird crush?
(-;

10 Pieces of Mildly Interesting Celebrity Trivia

1. Maya Rudolph (a.k.a. Lillian from Bridesmaids) is the daughter of Minnie Riperton, a singer-songwriter who is best known for her 1975 hit “Lovin’ You”. All together now: “Lovin you, is easy cause you’re beautiful.. A doot’n doot’n doo doo…”

2. Speaking of Bridesmaids, the director, Paul Feig, played Mr. Pool, Sabrina Spellman’s Science teacher in Sabrina The Teenage Witch.

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3. For all you English soap fans, Laila Morse, who played “Big Mo” in the BBC soap Eastenders is the half-sister of actor Gary Oldman.

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4. Actor Nicholas Cage is the nephew of director Francis Ford Coppola and also Coppola’s sister, Talia Shire. I know many people know this, but I was pretty mind blown!

5. Tim Allen was once convicted of drug trafficking.

6. Before Bradley Cooper was famous, he asked Sean Penn a question on Inside the Actor’s Studio.

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7. Tommy Lee Jones was college roommates with former US vice-president, Al Gore. I’m sure the parties were INSANE.

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8. On the final night of shooting the film Titanic, someone spiked the clam chowder being served to the cast and crew with the hallucinogenic drug PCP (angel dust). Bill Paxton was affected, but James Cameron forced himself to get sick before the drug took effect.

9. Famous lines that were actually ad-libbed:

You talkin’ to me? Robert de Niro, Taxi Driver (1976)

Here’s Johnny! Jack Nicholson, The Shining (1980)

I’m walkin’ here! Dustin Hoffman, Midnight Cowboy (1969)

Funny how? Joe Pesci Goodfellas (1990)

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10. Meryl Streep provided the voice of Jessica Lovejoy in The Simpsons.

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Most of this trivia either came from IMDB or Wikipedia unless otherwise stated. Do you know any interesting celebrity/movie trivia? Please share!

10 things we repeatedly do that make absolutely no sense

1. When someone asks us if we have a pen, we pat ourselves down to check, even though we know we don’t have one.

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2. When we are gesturing and mouthing to someone who can’t hear us, we talk aloud anyway.

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3. We have conversations with our pets, even though they have no idea what we’re saying.

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4. When we don’t know the lyrics to songs, we replace them with our own non-sensical gibberish.

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5. We criticise reality TV, but we watch it anyway.

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6. When we become frustrated with our inanimate objects, we shout at them.

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7. We remain friends with people who annoy us on Facebook despite constantly complaining about their status updates.

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8. We get into heated arguments with complete strangers on the Internet over seemingly trivial matters but will defend our opinion to the death.

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9. We keep paying to see Michael Bay films.

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10. When we’re drunk, dancing becomes a matter of great importance.

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What do you do when you feel crap?

Today, everyone at work had to stay back for three (unpaid) hours after we’d already had quite the hectic day. I’m exhausted, sick (Jack cooked and maintains that the minced beef was probably cooked through) and we’ve no heating in the house so it feels like we’re suffering through a mini ice age. (We have had fun reenacting scenes from the end of Titanic though.)
When I feel sorry for myself like this, I grab my laptop, put on a feel good film (or one of my favourites), climb into bed and try to forget the day’s troubles.
What do you do?

The Problem With Women In Film

A few years ago, Jack and I went to see Bridesmaids in the cinema. Afterwards, when I asked him what he thought of the film, he replied: ‘I actually liked it, it was good. It was actually funny. It actually made me laugh.’

Hmm, I thought as I lamented the fact that my heavenly popcorn and maltesers mixture was no more, that’s a lot of ‘actuallys.’ The use of ‘actuallys’ suggests that he must have had preconceptions about this film.

‘What do you mean “actually”?’ I asked him, genuinely intrigued.

‘Well, you know.’

There was silence. I can only assume he was worried about the proximity of my feet to his testicles. He continued:

‘Come on. You know those chick flicks that are marketed as comedies but are actually as funny as chlamydia. Which I wouldn’t know about, obviously.’

Sexually transmitted diseases aside, I understood what he meant. I had a whole plethora of so called ‘chick-flicks’ that I had bought, hoping against hope that they would transcend stereo-typed genres and actually surprise me. Usually though, they didn’t.

First, there was The Women with Meg Ryan, Eva Mendes, Jada Pinkett-Smith and a few others that I’m too lazy to google. It was as clichéd as a kiss in the rain and featured so much Eva Mendes being sultry that it was hard to concentrate but besides all that, it was a contrived tale of a middle class woman with decidedly middle class problems that did nothing to evoke my sympathy, least of all any laughter.

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Then, there’s the Sex in the City films which feature characters I basically have zero in common with. Do I live in a bustling city? Nope. Am I inexplicably wealthy? Erm, no. Have I been naked and covered in sushi? Only once, and that was because I was drunk at my annual nudist/sushi convention and fell through a buffet table. My point is, I just couldn’t relate to these materialistic and shallow women and if they are whom the female population should aspire to be, then we are in trouble. Not to mention, these films are a funny as receiving a colonic while at the dentist.

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And finally, I’m going to talk about any chick-flick Katherine Heigl has starred in. It seems her main purpose in any film is to be as miserable and buzz-killy (actual word) as possible. She basically reinforces every negative stereotype about women: she nags, she complains, she’s reluctant to do anything remotely fun. In 27 Dresses, she’s basically a neurotic, egocentric and vindictive singleton whom we’re supposed to be sympathetic towards. The problem is, she’s an utterly detestable character. Maybe that’s slightly unfair, given the fact that we’re probably meant to take this film as seriously as Rob Schneider’s back-catalogue, but I thoroughly disliked this film. Think I’m exaggerating? Try and endure the film and decide for yourself. Then there’s the woeful The Ugly Truth in which she again plays a woman whose primary talent is inane nagging. And don’t even get me started on Knocked Up (which is a film I actually quite like) where even Katherine Heigl herself complained that her character is seriously irritating (even though, in principle, her character has a right to be a bit miffed: the boys in that movie are quite immature and irresponsible but she doesn’t need to be so damn smug about it all).

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By now you probably think I’m being a cranky b**ch with too much time on my hands (which is partly true) but the constant misrepresentation of women in film is something that seriously irks me. We’re consistently portrayed as attractive but dim, shallow, selfish, materialistic and boring. The ones that happen to be funny are usually overweight. The ones that are attractive have all the moral decency of a Kardashian. The ones that are intelligent own several cats and are being constantly nagged by their friends to “loosen up” and give the Vince Vaughn character a chance. It is lazy stereotyping and one dimensional characterisation at its worst. By contrast, male characters are often fun, witty, intelligent and charming all at once. In simple terms, male characters are given more depth and more substance.

Adding to this, my favourite films are mostly directed by, starring and centred around men.

The Godfather? Men in the mafia.
No Country For Old Men? Greedy men.
Goodfellas? More male mafiosos.
The Departed? The Boston police force and the Boston criminal underworld (and you’d better believe they’re all men).

While you can argue that many of the male characters in these films are morally bankrupt, inherently flawed and not exactly aspirational figures, at least they have depth. They are characters that interest us and provoke thought and discussion. They’re not arguing over Jimmy Choos.

When I went to see The Departed in the cinema, I was surrounded by mostly males. My female friends didn’t want to see it. I genuinely don’t know why. I’ve also frequently been met with surprise when I cite these as my favourite films. I suppose many people can’t believe that The Notebook isn’t up there for me. Is it fair to say that the majority of woman like schmaltz and cliché and we’re just being provided with what most women want? I refuse to believe that’s true. Am I on my own in thinking that ‘chick flicks’, while providing mindless entertainment, are actually damaging to the perception of females in general? Is it too much to expect female protagonists to have the depth of characters like Jane Eyre? I’d even take Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz for crying out loud; she had balls.

What I’m trying to get across is that female characters can be funny AND intelligent AND attractive AND all the other positive traits that seem to be constantly reserved for their male counterparts. Bridesmaids was a step in the right direction; the characters were relatable, funny and endearing. They were also realistic looking (not botoxed to within an inch of their life) and Kristin Wiig, Melissa McCarthy and Maya Rudolph weren’t afraid to portray women in a more unflattering light than audiences are used to.

What did bother me about the overwhelming positive response to this film was, well, just that: the overwhelming positive response. It was a funny film. But should we really get so excited when a film with a predominantly female cast and written by women actually manages to be good? Is it really so inconceivable that a female cast can actually be funny? This should happen more than once a decade, but, alas, it seemingly doesn’t. So when it did happen, we got more excited than Tom Cruise on a three-seater couch.

There is some light at the end of the tunnel. The talent is out there. Look at the likes of Katheryn Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty.These are two great films that I think manage to appeal to both male and female audiences (particularly the latter film). The Help is another film I like to allude to when I’m promoting the female cause in cinema: the performances are fantastic and I don’t think any men would disagree or label it a chick-flick.

There are some great female actresses out there at the moment- I liked that Jennifer Lawrence received the Academy Award for best actress this year because she turned in a great performance in Silver Linings Playbook but remember the male recipient? Daniel “I’m so amazing at acting I’m probably not even a human being” Day Lewis. The Best Supporting Actor gong went to Christopher Waltz, for his fantastic turn as Dr. King Schultz in Django Unchained. And then Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress and made possibly the most simperingly pathetic acceptance speech in all of Oscar history. Damn it, Hathaway. My point is that I think it’s fair to say that most people would view the male recipients with more esteem and respect.

It will be a while before a woman’s place in a film is not *mostly* (I know there are plenty of exceptions) confined to fulfilling a preconceived expectation: eye candy, love interest, nagging wife, etc and someday, there’ll be less Ilsa ‘from now on you do the thinking for both of us’ Lund and more *insert timeless and inspirational quote from strong, admirable female character* It would be great to see a theatre packed full of men and women to see a female led cast in a movie that is not a clichéd and contrived mess and that actually centres around WOMEN and not women in terms of their position in a man’s life. It would also be great to see films like this deserving of awards. It has happened, albeit not as frequently as I would like, and it will happen again, just keep Nicholas Sparks and Meg Ryan locked away somewhere.

10 IMPORTANT LESSONS FROM THE MOVIES

1. Anyone who craves human flesh probably doesn’t look like this:

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but more like this:

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2. Getting intimate with a giant furry beast will probably not result in this:

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But may look more like this:
(Jack pointed out that the man looks like ‘a mixture of Jesus and Kris Kristofferson’.)

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3. Singing loudly in public will probably not result in this:

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but this might happen:

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4. This is a real archaeologist:

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This is not:

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5. Not all guys look this good in a vest:

and this guy wants you to remember that:

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6. There’s watching someone sleep…

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…and there’s just plain stalking

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7. If a momma’s boy starts discussing taxidermy with you, it’s best to back away slowly

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8. Platform 9 3/4 is a great idea

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…but it doesn’t exist

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9. Random and spontaneous dances are never this well choreographed:

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This is more like it:

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10. Some people are just plain selfish

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The Ten Worst Fictional Boyfriends

Think your boyfriend’s pretty crappy? Well, these craptacular boyfriends will make your guy look like a puppy in a sweater-vest.

1. Tony Soprano, The Sopranos

The Sopranos is probably my favourite TV show of all time (besides The Simpsons). Now you know me a little better, lets hold hands. I came on too strong didn’t I? Aaaaanyway, Tony and Carmela’s marriage was one of the most intriguing aspects of the show. I really disliked the vacuous and opportunistic Carmela but that still doesn’t take away from the fact that Tony was a liar and a cheat. Tony’s treatment of the majority of his mistresses was so terrible that one even committed suicide. All this aside, their marriage was more dysfunctional than a Kardashian family barbeque. They finally form a silent understanding that Tony will continue to provide for Carmela but that means he should also be allowed to play away. And that he does. Honestly, they made my parents look like the Waltons on Prozac. Also, RIP James Gandolfini, you had me at the ducks.

2. Jimmy McNulty, The Wire

Oh dear. Where to begin? He cheats on his wife with a work colleague. He uses said colleague for sex. He has inebriated, sweaty intercourse with random diner girl. He meets a genuinely lovely lady and also fails to stay faithful to her. He also drinks too much. But because he’s Dominic West we kind of forgive him. Damn it, McNulty.

3. Ross Gellar, Friends

Ross seems to be most people’s least favourite Friends character. I genuinely don’t understand this. Not only has he uttered some of the best lines of the entire series (MY SANDWICH??!!) but he also has the perfect mix of funny, nerdy and sweet going on. The problem is is that he makes a pretty terrible boyfriend. Don’t believe me? Lets look at the evidence. First girlfriend after his marriage breakup is Julie, the Chinese palaeontologist. Lets just take a second to appreciate the fact that I spelled that correctly. Ok, moment over. He cheats on Julie with Rachel even though we all totally wanted them to get together. He then cheats on Rachel. You may choose to defend him by yelling ‘they were on a break!’ but you can’t deny that what he did was pretty awful. And also, keep your voice down. My cat’s trying to sleep. Anyway, his escapades don’t stop there. He also treats Mona (no matter how annoying she was) pretty abominably. I know, I know, it’s a comedy. And I probably would have skipped my own wedding (not that I’m married…time to go cry into my cat’s fur) to watch Ross and Rachel finally get together in the final, but there’s no denying he can be a pretty bad boyfriend.

4. Hamlet, Hamlet

Since I teach English (I’d like to take this opportunity to state that the multiple typos are a result of a combination of laziness and stubby fingers, curse you bad genes. And Dad), I felt I’d better insert some old school references in here. As Shakespearean boyfriends go, Hamlet is a bit of a jerk or as I have often opined ‘a whiny indecisive man-baby’. We actually had a debate on whether Ophelia deserved his disdain for agreeing to betray his trust in class with lots of students pointing out that she’s a goody goody who needs to (wo)man up to her father. But when she goes genuinely mad and dies, you can’t help but feel sorry for her. And you also can’t help but blame Hamlet. I mean if someone yelled ‘get thee to a nunnery at me’ I don’t think I’d ever get over it.
Honourable mention has to go to Macbeth also. The weasel.

5. Carlo Rizzi, The Godfather

Remember Connie’s husband? He beats her, he cheats on her and he also contributes to her brother’s death. Somehow I don’t think he’ll be winning ‘Husband Of The Year’ any time soon. I think I’m going to go watch Sonny beat the crap out of him for the hundredth time. Be right back.

6. Cal Hockley, Titanic

Cal is like a panto villain; that is, so evil I don’t know how anyone like him could exist in real life. Selfish, greedy, materialistic and just downright mean (“why Dawson, you could almost pass for a gentleman.” I mean, talk about BURN!). Ok, so there are plenty like him, but they’re usually blond and called Tiffany. His treatment of Rose is so bad that she would rather risk a life of destitution than be his wife. The wig probably doesn’t help either.

7. Edward Cullen, Twilight

I’m not going to waste time dissecting his character because it might give credence to any belief that this character has any semblance of depth. But the guy is a possessive, whiny buzz-kill. He needs a herbal tea and a warm bath.

8. Christian Grey, Fifty Shades Of Grey

Basically, see above. Also, spare a thought for concept of feminism. It was nice while it lasted.

9. Nate, The Devil Wears Prada

This guy. One of my biggest pet peeves is when you’re watching a TV show/film and a character basically acts like a selfish douche and NOBODY seems to see it. In fact, he actually makes Anne Hathaway’s character (Andy) feel as if she is in fact the titular devil in Prada.
Ok, so Andy has her faults. She also comes very close to cheating on Nate with guy with questionable scarf taste/sexual orientation. It’s not just her fault that their relationship starts to suffer, it’s also his lack of understanding about the pressures of her job. She’s in a really really tough job. Cut the girl some slack. She’s under so much pressure that we fear she might just explode. Or suffer some kind of medical emergency. But that wouldn’t have been very glamourous. There’s two events in this movie that drive me crazy. Crazy because we’re suppose to believe that Andy is the villain in both instances when really the people around her are not being very considerate. One is when her friends and boyfriend start throwing her phone around the table when her crazy boss is calling her. Sometimes my friends can be kind of mean to me, and I once glued my friend’s face to a table, but hers come across quite petty in this scene. She’s just given them free stuff. Free DESIGNER stuff. She’s stressed. Her boss rings and they take her phone from her, adding to her stress. The worst part is is that we the viewer are supposed to believe her reaction is over the top, when really she only half-heartedly calls them ‘assholes.’ Which they kinda were.
The next incident shows how her boyfriend obviously has ovaries because he gets a case of PMS so bad, I want to hand him a hot water bottle and a blanket. Andy has a huge work thing and can’t attend his birthday. Don’t get me wrong, birthdays are special and all. But unless you’re seven years old and call your father ‘daddy’, you have to understand that sometimes not everyone will be able to drop all their plans on your birthday. Andy makes a really big effort to get home to Nate on time. She even turns down a chance to meet an influential editor and leaves the event. She brings home a cute cupcake. What does Nate do? He pulls the trick your parents pull on you when they want you to feel really bad. He’s not mad, just disappointed. Ugh. Now why am I taking such issue with a fairly mediocre and frankly forgettable film? Because it basically suggests that career women are very very selfish and can no way manage a career *and* a boyfriend. Our purpose in life as women is clearly to bake birthday cakes for our boyfriends and wait at home for them to call in case there’s a social occasion we’re needed at. *Stares wistfully at phone.*

10. Wickham/Willoughby, Pride and Prejudice/Sense and Sensibility

I have always found these Jane Austen characters to be very similar. Wickham is probably the worst of the two but because Marianne Dashwood’s heart ends up in a million pieces when Willoughby abruptly leaves her, he also deserves a mention. Both men are handsome and charming. Both men are also deceptive and secretive about their shady pasts. The only people who know their true intentions are their respective love rivals, Mr. Darcy and Colonel Brandon. Both men end up married to someone else, the cads. Wickham’s punishment is that he marries Lydia Bennett, aka the most detestable female character ever. Willoughby’s punishment is that he has to see the woman he did truly love marry someone far more deserving of her. Neither of these are exactly ‘please wife me’ material.

So there you go. Now go hug your boyfriend. I’ll lurk in the bushes.