Insomnia List 

Anyone who’s ever suffered from insomnia will agree with me when I say that it is just… Girngunrrfndfjjenfj (that incoherent word is me internally screaming). There is nothing more frustrating than lying awake for hours on end, willing your mind to relent and just…rest. As bad as it can get, I do find myself thinking about some pretty random yet admittedly funny things. So I thought, hey, why not share my misery with my blogging friends so that at least someone might benefit from all of this?! Or, you know, I’ll cause dozens of existential crises. Whatever. 


When Wordsworth was in a vacant or pensive mood, he thought about daffodils. Not me. Oh no.


So without further ado, here is a list of my most bizarre insomnia-induced thoughts: 

  1. Rhinos are basically obese unicorns.
  2. If cats had opposable thumbs and better attention spans, we would be so screwed. 
  3. I am ridiculously addicted to coffee but don’t see it as a problem. 
  4. We are truer to ourselves drunk than sober.
  5. Friendship is basically spending time with another person and not hating it.
  6. It is sad that more people are interested in astrology than astronomy. 
  7. A boxing ring is not a ring. Also, boxing is pretty barbaric. 
  8. Katy Perry looks really like Zooey Deschanel.
  9. Holden Caulfield just really wanted a damn conversation. 
  10. Garfield looks nothing like an actual cat but dammit he’s adorable. 
  11. Cauliflower is the best damn vegetable. 
  12. A priest hearing confession gets the best gossip. 
  13. The universe, is like, really big.  
  14. I have taught well over 1,000 students. Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
  15. Was Jesus a good dancer? 
  16. Why aren’t people kinder to one another? 
  17. Diplomatic crises should be solved by making world leaders watch clips of sea otters holding hands.
  18. The one thing North Koreans have going for them is that they probably don’t know who the Kardashians are.
  19. Gossip Girl was actually a pretty rubbish show, but a pretty entertaining one too. 
  20. If you could make shoes for spiders, they would be 75% less terrifying. 

So, erm, there you have it. These are the thoughts that race through my coffee-addled brain at stupid o’ clock at night. 

What do you think about  when you’re in bed? Normal things? Or collies that look like Richard Gere? Share below! 

My boyfriend is also weird

“Oh dear God, what’s that?!”

“Hmm?”

“Hon, there’s something…THERE’S SOMETHING CRAWLING ON MY FRICKIN’ AAAARRRM!”

“Eh?”

“THERE’S SOMETHING FLYING ABOVE MY HEEEAAADD!”

“It’s just a moth, Jane. I saw it before I turned off the light.”

“A moth? What if he, I don’t know, hatches eggs in my hair? Or falls into my mouth?”

“What if he hatches eggs? There’s so much wrong with that sentence I don’t know where to start.”

“I’m serious Jack. I won’t be able to
sleep now. What if he is crawling on the ceiling and falls on me? Eurgh, I can hear him flapping around the room.”

“Hey, you remember the moths they took out of the corpses in The Silence of the Lambs?

“Really Jack? REALLY? That’s what your going to talk about? Why aren’t you defending my honour against this blatant home invasion?”

“Just do what you do with the spiders.”

“Scream uncontrollably and run through the nearest window?”

“No. You give him a name to make him less scary.”

“Huh. That’s not a bad idea. But what do you call a moth?”

“You obviously call a moth Ti-MOTH-y. Timothy. Get it? Hahaha.
Man, I’m funny…Jane?….Jane?”

“Sorry, I’m kind of in awe of you right now.”

This Happened in Bed Last Night…

According to Jack…

He wakes up to find me tossing and turning. I’m murmuring and it sounds like I’m distressed.

“Love…” He shakes me but I just grunt in reply. “Love…” He tries again. This time I stir, and look at him, wild-eyed.

“Eh?” I grunt.

“Are you okay?”

“I…I was just wondering…if… ducks have necks.” I’m slurring my words a little, and rubbing my eyes. Then, as quickly as I had woken up, I fall back on my pillow and slip into an instantaneous sleep.

I have no recollection of this event whatsoever.

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What do you do when you feel crap?

Today, everyone at work had to stay back for three (unpaid) hours after we’d already had quite the hectic day. I’m exhausted, sick (Jack cooked and maintains that the minced beef was probably cooked through) and we’ve no heating in the house so it feels like we’re suffering through a mini ice age. (We have had fun reenacting scenes from the end of Titanic though.)
When I feel sorry for myself like this, I grab my laptop, put on a feel good film (or one of my favourites), climb into bed and try to forget the day’s troubles.
What do you do?