It is almost two years since I found out that the life I was living as part of “Us” was very different to the life you were living. It is almost two years since I experienced the greatest betrayal of my life. It has been a year and a half since we last spoke. You are a stranger to me now.
I grew up with you. I loved you fiercely. I loved you unconditionally. I loved you too much. And now, I don’t even know where you are. My suspicions have always been that you ended up in a relationship with the woman you were unfaithful with, as even after our breakup, you remained evasive and suspect when questioned on such things. Lying is and always has been easy to you.
When I told you I never wanted to hear from you again, I really didn’t expect I’d never hear from you again. But I realised, too late, that I was actually giving you exactly what you wanted. You had your release; your freedom. I had to be the one to let go, because, well if you did, you’d be a horrible person, right?
I am still hurt. I have PTSD and struggle everyday. I still have nightmares. I trust no one. I never got closure. I barely got an apology. I was your best friend for at least 13 out of the 15 years we were together and… nothing. Nothing. I am left with nothing. A wasted decade.
I am writing this because I need closure. I need closure so badly because I haven’t been able to recover from the horrific pain I felt and still feel everyday. But I won’t get it. I’ll never get it because I let you away with it. I told you to leave me alone when really I needed you to help me heal. I needed you to be sorry. And you left. You left without protest, without qualm. You proved what I already new: you were trapped by me and relished the opportunity to be released of the burden of my presence in your life.
There is no point to this. That’s pain. It is pointless. I am not healing, I am surviving. And you are most likely going to farmer’s markets with the woman you so callously destroyed me with. I am at the end of yet another relationship I have failed at since you broke me.
There will never be accountability. You were a coward then and you’re a coward now. I have made the best of myself since you left. But even the best now can’t mitigate the pain and the trauma of learning the person you loved most in the world was lying to you for almost two years. So, idk, fuck you. Fuck you for the rest of your life.