Actual conversation I just had:

Me: Any news today?
Jack: Yeah. I got a gun.
Me: You WHAT?!
Jack: Yeah. It’s not really a big deal. There’ll be much worse to come.
Me: What are you talking about?
Jack: Well, I haven’t even purposefully murdered anyone yet.
Me: Jack, are you joking?
Jack: Um, no.
Me: Are you in some kind of gang or secret society?
Jack: I think I might be in a gang, yeah. I’m not sure. I wear gangster clothes.
Me: (looking at his sweater-vest) Um, what? I mean, are you going to tell me you’ve a new girlfriend as well?
Jack: No. I think she comes later. I haven’t seen any prostitutes either.
Me: ……..
Jack: You do know I’m talking about Grand Theft Auto?
Me: Um, you kinda failed to mention that *little* detail.

16 of the funniest things my boyfriend has said but might mean he’s actually slow

1. We used to work in a supermarket. Customer: Do you have a rent book?
Jack: Is that a novel?

2. A customer asks do we sell bamboo mats for rolling sushi. Jacks brings him a pack of kebab skewers with the logic ‘couldn’t you just tie them together?’

3. ‘I would really like to be a blacksmith.’

4. ‘I just think cats are sneaky.’

5. ‘The surname “O’ Rourke” reminds me of smelly blankets.’

6. When I asked him to pick me up a Mars Bar and to buy some toilet paper. ‘Great, it looks like I’m gonna eat a Mars Bar and take a crap.’

7. Jack at the Chinese
Jack: Can I have a beef chow mein and boiled rice please?
*After the girl has gone to give our order*
Me: You didn’t mean to order the rice, did you?
Jack: *Pause* No.

8. Singing in the kitchen ‘Whoopi Goldberg is my mother…la la la’

9. I wake Jack up.
Jack: Aw, why did you wake me up? I was having the most amazing dream. I was chopping wood with Steve Gutenberg.

10. Jack looks deep in thought.
I ask him, assuming he is thinking grand and romantic thoughts, what he is thinking.
‘I was just thinking how cool it would be to own a bullet proof submarine’.

11. Sitting watching Dragon’s Den. ‘Pfft. I’d be just as good at coming up with ideas…like, Viagra…for women…called, erm “Eager Beaver”‘.

12. Early one morning, I wake up bleary eyed. Jack is literally an inch from my face.
‘Sometimes when you’re asleep, you stop breathing. It’s hilarious.’

13. After a day at work
Me: So how was your day?
Jack: My stapler broke, but then I fixed it.
Me: And you didn’t have a heart attack from all the excitement?

14. Jack watches an episode of (children/teen programme) “Are You Afraid Of The Dark?” which is about as scary as Barney. He wakes me up in the middle of the night
‘Erm, will you walk me to the bathroom?’

15. ‘I’m irresistible to old ladies. It’s like I give off some kind of scent. Like a mixture of murray mints and lavender.’

16. We put our two female guinea pigs in a cage together.
Jack: So, they definitely can’t get pregnant?
Me: No, they’re both girls.
Jack: So, they won’t get pregnant.
Me: I just said they’re both girls.
Jack: So, they can’t, like, grow a penis or anything?
Me: ……….