Let’s face it; we all get a little giddy thrill when those notifications light up on our social media accounts. It’s almost akin to some sort of weirdly addictive drug. So wouldn’t it be just swell to garner even more attention on social media? With my tried and trusted tips, you’ll see results in no time!
1. Invent a new fad diet
Everyone knows #cleaneating is where it’s at. Why not invent your own medically unsafe but totally awesome fad diet? What about the organic grass diet? Hey, if it’s good enough for cows, right? I mean, have you ever seen a cow with acne? Didn’t think so. How about the praying mantis diet? Just look at how slim those things are!
Despite what virtually all medical healthcare professionals will tell you, this is an amazing idea. Think of all those likes and prayer hands emojis you’ll get? 🙏🙏🙏
Who said you need qualifications or experience to provide nutritional advice?!
2. Invent a conspiracy theory
What better way to generate attention online than taking an ill-informed stance against the advice and empirical research of doctors, scientists, historians, and well any so-called “expert” really. Pah, expert. What does that even mean?!
Everyone knows that scientists are only interested in being generally evil. Rumour has it that they all meet at a super creepy and pointy old castle once a year to plan how they’re going to swindle honest and decent people out of their hard-earned cash. Well, show them that you’re not going to be taken in by their fancy Harvard doctorates by claiming that eating out of your cat’s litter box gives you shiny hair. Show those pesky historians who’s boss by claiming that the CIA hired monkeys to assassinate JFK. Lee Harvey Oswald could easily have been three monkeys standing on top of each other. Or just go with the old-fashioned moon-landing hoax conspiracy, although you do risk being punched square in the face by Buzz Aldrin.
3. Become a master of the “vague and passive aggressive” status update
Being honest and saying what you actually mean is overrated. Why be direct and mature about something when you can just… not be. You’ll have the “u ok hun?” comments rolling in double time.
Bonus likes if you use the words “some people” or “haters” in your posts.
Did you know you burn on average 3,000 more calories if you take a selfie at the gym? What better way to let people know that you’re better than them by posting multiple pictures of your sweat-soaked armpits all over social media, amiright?!
Don’t just confine your selfie taking to the gym. Nowhere should be off limits: Private family functions, funeral homes, attics where Jewish families hid from Nazis…go wild.
It’s what Anne Frank would want.
5. Capitalise on Tragic Events
Whenever there’s an international event, ensure you race to social media so you can be the first to get a hashtag like #prayfor… trending. Sure, others are offering actual valuable help like shelter and food but you changed your profile picture to a flag for a week, so who’s the real hero here?
Yes, I’m a little snarky here, aren’t I? 😂 I’m guilty of some of these too, so take it with a pinch of salt. I would love to hear from you in the comments!