Things I Can’t Do

I could write a post on the things I’m amazing at, but it would pretty much just look like this:

I could buy and sell all y’all…

Instead,  I’ve decided that it would be much more fun to write a post about all the things I’m not so amazing at so then you’ll realise that I’m actually only a barely-functioning adult who still can’t tell her right from her left. Then you’re bound to respect me, right? I mean left…no, right. *nervous laugh*

I Can’t Dance 

I’ve discussed this at length in a previous post but in case you’re too lazy to go check it out (you need to get out of this rut you’re in) here’s the low down:

When I dance, people get hurt. And I’m not talking emotionally, although that probably is the case too. I have actually injured people. 

I also make “the face”…


When Jack and I get married, I’m going to put a brunette wig on a sack of potatoes for him to dance with. I doubt anyone will notice the difference.

I can’t Math

If I am ever required to do basic arithmetic, I panic. For instance, we’ll say I have to decide how much money to take out at the ATM:

Right…so I need ten for bread, milk, biscuits and eggs. And twenty for petrol. So that’s…negative thirteen? What? Okay, let’s take out fifty. 

This is why I’m so poor.


I Can’t Concentrate For Long Periods

I try my best to pay attention when someone is talking to me but I almost always end up zoning out and venturing off into “Jane Land”, where I am president and it rains owls. Because of this, I miss huge chunks of people’s stories and when I’m introducing people to each other, it usually goes something like this:

Me: Liam, this is Patricia. She likes…bacon? You like bacon, right Patricia?

See, it’s a trick because everyone likes bacon. 

I’m basically this:


I Can’t Not Cry

I am an emotional person. Seriously, I cry at adverts on TV. That old lady was being scammed out of her life insurance damn it! 

Emotional adverts aside, my hypersensitivity is actually very embarrassing. Jack and I will be watching some sappy film, and the second the cheesy music starts playing, I’m off. Jack makes it worse by leaning forward, staring right into my tear-soaked face and asking me if I’m crying, to which I reply:

I’m not crying. I’ve dust in my eye. YOU’RE CRYING. 



I Can’t Sing

That doesn’t mean I don’t sing, just that when I do, it sounds like the mating call of a tomcat that has been incarcerated in an all-male detention centre for his entire life. Or, if you’d prefer an actual quote from my boyfriend, a yodeller being eviscerated. 

I’m tempted to audition for one of those Simon Cowell judged competitions just to be told how abysmal I really am. I’d imagine he’d say something like “that was like listening to a llama whose foot got stuck in barbed wire appealing to his friend two fields over to come to his assistance” and I’d be like “Oh Simon, this is so us.” And then we’d become BFFs and he’d buy me a Floridan mansion where Paula Abdul would make frequent but unwelcome visits. Butt out, Paula.

It could happen…


I Can’t Be Normal

You know when you’re having a run-of-the-mill conversation with someone about the weather? I don’t. My conversations usually go something like this:

Friend: …So that’s all my news…Jane, what are you thinking about?

Me: Do you think emus cry?

Why don’t you come and tell me what you can’t do and we’ll celebrate our failures together? Or cry. Whatever. 

Remember, you can still vote for me in the Bloggies. I’m up for Most Humorous Weblog. If you already have, thank you so much.


57 thoughts on “Things I Can’t Do

  1. insanitybytes22 says:

    Ha! Great post! You and I have a lot in common. I never thought to blog about all the things I can’t do. Very clever. I sing and dance anyway, and cry, sometimes all at the same time, which isn’t normal at all. Fortunately I can’t concentrate for long either, so I’m easily distracted.

    About that right left thing, well, I wear a bracelet. My right or your right? We’re both facing the same way, it’s the same right!…Oh. Okay then.

    • janeybgood says:

      I sing-cry or dance-cry, but doing all three together takes a level of coordination and skill I shall never attain.
      Wait…I…that’s right then? Oh dear. I think I need some kind of blinking light system. Or a bracelet, like you!
      Thanks for reading! And for concentrating long enough to write this haha! 🙂

  2. Josh Wrenn says:

    I am so happy I found your blog. You crack me up. The “a yodeller being eviscerated” line is still making me laugh!

  3. Chelly says:

    I can’t accept help! So you see me struggling (and I mean really struggling!) to carry the bin bag out to the rubbish bins and you offer to help, and I’ll just be like “No thanks, I’m fine…no really, I’m fine” Meanwhile my back is breaking because I basically have no muscles after two years of having to avoid any sort of exercise and now I’m just too lazy to do any exercise! 😀
    Or one that happens sometimes is I’ll try to lift my suitcase up onto the carrier above my seat (on the train) and some really nice person will offer to do it for me and again I’m just like “No thanks, I nearly have it” It’s embarrassing when they pretty much have to take it off me just so I don’t cause injury to myself 😀
    I also can’t give up when I lose something. Two weeks ago, I lost one of the covers for my earphones and I really did spend 2 hours outside looking for it the following morning when I realised it was missing and it might not even have been there that I lost it!

    • janeybgood says:

      Hahaha, I can really relate to this! I’m laughing at the suitcase train thing because I’m the exact same. Or when I’m carrying a full tray in a restaurant and someone offers help and I say “no thanks, I got this” but I definitely, definitely don’t.
      I wonder why we refuse help? Is it shyness? I like to think I have situations under control when I really don’t.
      This made me laugh, thanks for commenting!

      • Chelly says:

        I really have no idea! Maybe we’re just too proud? 😀 I can be shy at times but I have always been quite stubborn! It’s like I have to try and prove that I can do it! Emphasis on try 😉

  4. amandalyle1986 says:

    I can’t do any of those things either… and I also can’t cook…I’ve burn’t ever meal I’ve made 😦

    So, tell me… Do Emus cry? I’m on the edge of my seat over here. 😀

  5. motherhendiaries says:

    Gahahaha! Loved this post! I can sing and sort of dance in a kind of middle aged way. I can’t twerk, so that is one thing I fail at, but it’s probably just as well. The world ain’t ready for that kind of jelly, man. *coughing uncomfortably at racist overtones* *crickets* *more crickets*
    Moving right along… I can add well enough to spend money, bake cookies and make curtains, but not well enough to keep any money in savings. I don’t know why that is. But, you know… shoes. For the record, I have never – EVER – won at Monopoly (for obvious reasons). So you’ve got me there, Janey!

    • janeybgood says:

      Hahaha, how I laughed at this comment. We must teach you how to twerk, although apparently, I can’t do it either.
      You would think I’d be terrible at monopoly because of the maths thing…wait…maybe I *am* terrible at monopoly and no one ever told me?! We can play a game of monopoly some day!

    • janeybgood says:

      “White Man Overbite”- I love it. Yeah, I’d like to think it’s my “I’m so into this” face but really, it’s my “I have no idea what I’m doing” face.

    • janeybgood says:

      Ha, I’m legitimately wondering know but I’m afraid the good people of Google will be worried about my very checkered search history. But I’m sure there’s worse.
      Thanks Trent!

  6. Andrea T says:

    this post was absolutely amazing! I laughed all the way through. I don’t think I dance spectacularly well, but i have a move. Or should I say I am one – people make fun that I have an invisible microphone on my hand while I dance. Apparently I sing, too?

    Your ATM experience is the sum of my life. And I’ve been dubbed not normal by people who can’t keep up with the conversations I have with them in my mind. haha really, really nice post!

    • janeybgood says:

      Thanks Andrea! It’s always lovely to meet like-minded people (read: fellow weirdos haha).
      I do the invisible microphone. In fact, I can’t dance without miming along/loudly singing the song. Actually, we’re not weirdos, other people are!
      Thanks for commenting!

  7. V says:

    Ugh. Relate to so much of this. I can’t math either. And I can’t not cry. I will cry watching X-TalentIdol. I once cried watching one of those African charity ads. The little babies with the distended bellies and all the flies… Oh God the flies. They’re horribly contrived ads, I know, but I can’t help it. It’s so much worse when hungover.

    Also, genuinely curious about this rap video.

    • janeybgood says:

      Do you remember the one with Eva Cassidy’s Fields of Gold?! Jesus, it was so manipulative but I used to cry my eyes out.
      The rap video does not exist *shifty eyes*

      • V says:

        YES! I’m pretty sure that was the one that originally broke me. Desperate stuff altogether.

        *scours internet for rap video*

        You should do another one, and sample Fields of Gold.

      • janeybgood says:

        That’s genius. I can see it being used for some super hip public service announcement, like “there’s no hope with dope” or some such.

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