What does 2014 have in common with Kim Kardashian’s arse? We’ll be happy to see the back of it…wait, that didn’t quite come out the way I wanted it to…moving swiftly on.
Anyway, 2014 was an eventful year. Sure, hovercrafts are yet to be invented, but we’ve still come a long way…if you ignore our obsession with the Kardashians and bathroom selfies.
Here’s a list of things that happened in 2014:
We got 200% more vain
If you happen to be a statistician (you must have bitchin’ Christmas parties), you’ve probably already calculated a 2,000,000% rise in selfie taking. After this photo became the most retweeted picture of all time, we were all thinking the same thing: I want Meryl Streep to be my mom…and that this photo would have been 63% better if Bradley Cooper had been able to extend his arm just a little further (despite all the Limitless pills he’s been taking). Well some genius decided that this problem could be solved by inventing possibly the most useful accessory since beard baubles…the selfie stick! No more would Liza Minnelli be left desperately trying to fit in like the last kid picked for basketball:
The selfie stick seems to be really taking off, despite Regina George’s scepticism:
We* proved how awesome we can be
In November, the ESA landed a probe on a comet. ON A COMET. It was an absolutely amazing feat and an astounding reminder of just how far we’ve come in the last one hundred years. As amazing as it was, it was a little overshadowed:
Which leads nicely onto the next point…
Kim Kardashian’s ass can probably be seen from space
It’s hypnotic. But also, it needs to go away. Let’s just cover it up.
Ah, there we go.
Dracula is alive and well and apparently is a a Uruguayan striker
I vont to chew your shoulder!
To be fair to Luis Suárez, it was just very unfortunate that he happened to trip and fall teeth first into Chiellini’s fleshy shoulder. Could have happened to anyone.
It’s totally okay to write a song slamming “skinny bitches” as long as it has a really catchy beat
And what about those of us who like treble? WHAT ABOUT US?!?!
Robin Williams’ death broke all our hearts
And man, he is missed:
A lot of people threw icy water over their heads for a great cause..
….but you got the feeling some people didn’t really get what the original point of the whole thing was so just ended up throwing water on themselves for no reason…which is essentially a wet T-shirt contest.
Facebook has gotten 110% more douchey
As annoying as some Facebook fads can be, when they’re for a good cause, it’s hard to complain. When they are for no cause whatsoever (other than pure self-indulgence)…well that just makes me want to start throwing things. This year I was “nominated” to share ten albums that have influenced me in some way. That doesn’t seem so bad, right? Except for the fact that it’s totally pointless and even worse, the majority of my friends were posting up the most obscure albums just to out-douche each other and say “hey, look at me, look how unique and trendy I am compare to everyone else.”
Some people were really, really stupid
The worst part of this is that the girl is English…
Some fads were kinda nice
Loom bands for everyooonnnneeee!
Others…not so much
This term needs to be put into a shed with the Kardashians and hipsters, and that shed needs to be locked. Forever.
Our phones got huuuuge
Although, personally, I’ll always want this phone:
So that was 2014…pretty much. Happy Almost New Year everyone! Here’s to a fabulous and random 2015.
Why don’t you tell me your New Year’s resolutions while I
judge how ridiculous they are admire your courage?
*By we, I mean scientists…totally awesome scientists.