I recently posted a list of my favourite things which made me look all cheerful and amiable. The truth is, I can be a bit of a crank. The smallest things get on my nerves. And because everyone is being all happy and festive and stuff, I decided to get in touch with my inner Scrooge because bah humbug. So without further ado, here’s a list of things that make me want to poke people with forks:
1. Bad Drivers
Before I get into my car, I’m as cheerful as a meerkat. But then I start driving and I realise that there are a lot of terrible drivers out there. People don’t signal, they have brake lights out, they can’t park properly…I’m going to stop because my blood is probably approaching boiling point and I need my blood for living. In every other aspect of my life, I’m polite and tolerant but when I’m driving, I have all the murderous tendencies. Although, this is also a possibility:
2. When I’m trying to get the attention of a salesperson and they ignore me
I was standing in a pharmacy that I shall not name (it rhymes with ‘hoots’ and begins with the letter b) and I was trying to buy my lovely boyfriend some cologne because he smells (not really, I just like sniffing aftershave off his face. Don’t judge me). It was locked in a glass case so I stood there for eternity trying to get the sales lady to notice me. She seemed to be approaching me several times, but it turned out that she was actually helping all the other shoppers around me. Like literally, anyone but me. I actually started wondering if I had actually died on my way to the pharmacy (possibly because of all the terrible drivers out there) and was now completely invisible, just like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. As I stood there, contemplating whether I should start removing articles of clothing in order to draw some kind of attention to myself, the lady finally acknowledged me. When she asked me if I was okay, it took all my strength not to reply “yes, I just like making awkward eye contact with sales clerks and then wallowing in self pity when they ignore me because I’m just really bored with my life.” Instead I just pointed towards the Armani fragrance that I wanted and questioned my life choices again.
Also, add to this- when the shop keeper puts my change on the counter instead of into my outstretched hand. *Narrows eyes*
3. When seemingly everyone loves something/someone and you just don’t get it
This seems to be the story of my life. The best example I can think of right now is the actor Channing Tatum. All of my friends think he is gorgeous and I just don’t see it. I would never call someone unattractive but I really can’t see what all the fuss is about. I also think he’s a pretty mediocre actor. I’m sure he’s a nice guy and all but seriously, what’s the big deal? Channing, if by any chance you are reading this, don’t cry, you’re a good dancer so there’s that.
All I see is a giant potato with ears. Sorry Channing. *whispers* but you’re a great dancer.
4. When someone deliberately dumbs them self down
I used to have this friend in college who was one of the most articulate and intelligent people you could ever meet. I had some of the most interesting conversations of my life with her. When a guy or a group of people arrived on the scene, though, she turned into a giggling, inarticulate mess. She would twirl her hair and say ridiculous things like “oh, I thought Louis Pasteur invented milk” or “I thought that was the capital of Africa?” Yes, really. And you know what? If she has really been that ignorant, I could have coped. But to deliberately try and look silly in order to appear “cute” or “ditzy” just annoyed the hell out of me. It was hard enough to be taken seriously by our male colleagues without her Paris Hilton act so her immature silliness really didn’t help. When I asked her about it one day, she actually admitted to it and confessed that she does it because “guys don’t like to feel intellectually threatened by women.” I don’t understand why some people feel they have to change who they are to appear attractive to the opposite sex. I mean, look at me, I’m certifiably insane and even I have a boyfriend. So there’s hope for everyone.
I know this doesn’t apply to all guys but rocks stars marry models, not theoretical physicists.
5. Mean people
Okay, so this is far too broad a point and I should probably be more specific. I mean, aren’t we all a little mean sometimes? And isn’t this post just one giant exercise in meanness? Actually, I hope it doesn’t come across like that. I’m just a normal (stop laughing) person who gets a little irritable sometimes. Most of the time I’m quite nice. I’m talking about those people who just come across as constantly aggressive and mean-spirited. The thing is, these people seem to succeed quite a lot at this whole life malarkey. I support anyone who aims to be more confident and assertive, but these attributes are all too often confused with just being downright selfish and nasty. While you should stand up for yourself and your beliefs, you should always show tolerance and empathy towards others. Being sassy and a smart-ass is funny and all, but if your actions are hurting other people or you’re being inconsiderate, then it’s time to check yourself. You can be confident and kind.
6. When I can’t open things
I am ridiculously clumsy with my hands. Which means I struggle constantly to open things. I’m like a bear who can’t get its head into a jar of Nutella: frustrated. Honestly, it took me over eight minutes to open a tub of butter today.
Without Jack, I’d probably be wasting away in a corner somewhere. Maybe I should cut off my hands and replace my fingers with knives?
Don’t hold back guys, get it off your chests! What grinds your gears?