Some of you might assume that if you were to meet me in real life I would be as friendly as a motherlovin’ seal.
….Wait, wrong Seal…
To an extent, that’s true. Within a few minutes of meeting each other, who knows? We could be line dancing to Billy Ray Cyrus while eating fried shrimp (you’re right; that is weirdly specific for a spontaneous hypothetical situation…it’s almost like I’ve thought of us doing this before…). More than likely, however, I’ll be a little less Russell Brand and a bit more Bob Newhart.
Remember this? My favourite Simpson’s moment because this is my life…
It’s not that I’m shy, it’s just that I’m…well, weird. I don’t need to go into that, you guys know the deal by now. I know how to function in everyday life, don’t get me wrong. I know that you probably shouldn’t fist bump a person the first time you meet them (although I would be totally okay if that replaced cheek kissing, because awkward). I also know that not everyone finds protracted conversations about owls interesting (whatever, Sally from accounts, pfft).
The thing is, when you’re a little, er, eccentric like myself, you need someone a little weird to bounce off.
When I meet someone who is just as “unique” as myself, it’s as magical as unicorn farts.
When I meet a normal or serious person who doesn’t appreciate a good owl meme (or who doesn’t like dance-fighting and karaoke rap) I find conversation can be a little awkward. Something like this usually happens:
Normal person: Hi Jane.
Jane: Fine thanks.
Yes, this happens when I get awkward. I just can’t conversationalise…I can’t good talk…I can’t make mouth words…I… OH GODDAMMIT!
The more I try and force conversation, the worse I get. I end up saying the weirdest things. I just can’t shut up.
The worst instance of this was in a teaching job I had a few years back. My boss was a very serious lady, and while she was very nice, I found it nearly impossible to talk to her. One Monday morning, we were stuck awkwardly sitting beside each other in the staffroom when she initiated conversation:
Boss: Did you do anything this weekend?
Me: Not really. I mean, I didn’t do “nothing” just I didn’t… (all of a sudden brain Jane kicks in screaming at me: if you say you did nothing, she’ll think you’re lazy)… I actually went…diving. (Diving, Jane? WHAT THE EFF?) Er, driving. I meant driving. To the beach…sea…not into the sea. Haha. To the sea. (SHUT UP JANE, JUST SHUT UUUP!)
Boss: Er, right. Great.
So you see reader, life would be a lot easier if we were all weird. Or if we were all normal…but that would be boring.
What makes you awkward?