I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m a weirdo magnet. Ladies, I’ve a feeling I’m not alone here. You all know the deal: you go to a bar with your girls, you wanna get drunk and cry-sing Don’t Stop Believing but there’s a guy who wants to get all up in your junk (I don’t know what that means but it sounds intrusive). You politely tell him you’re not interested. He doesn’t budge. You politely tell him you’re a lesbian. Nope, homeboy is still grinding all up on you. That’s when you need to break out the big guns. One of these lines and you’re free to vomit as much rainbow coloured tequila as your heart/liver desires…or end up in prison, whichever.
1. It’s funny, when one boyfriend is cut up with a machete, Satan sends you another one!
2. Ooh, don’t get so close there sailor! Doctors don’t know what I have but it’s definitely contagious.
3. I can’t believe you’re dancing with me. This is exactly what my cat said would happen.
4. Sorry, I just cut one. *sniffs air* I don’t remember having chilli.
5. If I could make a boyfriend out of dough, I’d make you…but I can’t. Trust me, I tried.
6. I’m sorry, I can’t listen to this song with you. Mom doesn’t allow me to listen to rap.
7. Your shirt is cool. I sewed my dog the same one. He wears it for all our business meetings.
8. Thanks. I have all of my own hair. And all of my own teeth. Plus these extras that I carry around in my pocket.
9. *While dancing* “If ya got numerous STDs put ya hands in the ay-arrrre!”
10. I’m just trying to forget my jealous ex-boyfriend, “Stabby-Pete”.
P.S. I got some good test results today that rule out anything serious so brewskis all round!