How To Out-Creep A Creep

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m a weirdo magnet. Ladies, I’ve a feeling I’m not alone here. You all know the deal: you go to a bar with your girls, you wanna get drunk and cry-sing Don’t Stop Believing but there’s a guy who wants to get all up in your junk (I don’t know what that means but it sounds intrusive). You politely tell him you’re not interested. He doesn’t budge. You politely tell him you’re a lesbian. Nope, homeboy is still grinding all up on you. That’s when you need to break out the big guns. One of these lines and you’re free to vomit as much rainbow coloured tequila as your heart/liver desires…or end up in prison, whichever.

1. It’s funny, when one boyfriend is cut up with a machete, Satan sends you another one!


2. Ooh, don’t get so close there sailor! Doctors don’t know what I have but it’s definitely contagious.


3. I can’t believe you’re dancing with me. This is exactly what my cat said would happen.


4. Sorry, I just cut one. *sniffs air* I don’t remember having chilli.


5. If I could make a boyfriend out of dough, I’d make you…but I can’t. Trust me, I tried.


6. I’m sorry, I can’t listen to this song with you. Mom doesn’t allow me to listen to rap.


7. Your shirt is cool. I sewed my dog the same one. He wears it for all our business meetings.


8. Thanks. I have all of my own hair. And all of my own teeth. Plus these extras that I carry around in my pocket.


9. *While dancing* “If ya got numerous STDs put ya hands in the ay-arrrre!”


10. I’m just trying to forget my jealous ex-boyfriend, “Stabby-Pete”.


P.S. I got some good test results today that rule out anything serious so brewskis all round!


19 thoughts on “How To Out-Creep A Creep

  1. cheergerm says:

    Good news on the testing front lady…there are some damn fine ‘weirdo avoidance lines’ in here. Good that you are prepared for the next time you go out. Being a stalker/weirdo magnet myself, I could have used some of these back in the day. Things have calmed down, as long as I don’t leave the house much. And don’t smile at anyone….I swear I have ‘ask me a question/direction/tell me your life story all you strange people’ tattooed on my forehead.

    • janeybgood says:

      I hear ya, I hear ya!
      It definitely has to do with having a nice face. I’m just going to assume you have a lovely friendly face because apparently that’s what gets me into trouble. That, and wine.
      I’ve also been told that catching people’s eye isn’t always good but I can never help it. Like when you see someone collecting on the street for charity, I always make accidental eye contact and then *bam* I have to give them money. Dammit.

  2. eileen049 says:

    I’m not so much a weirdo magnet. But, my friend at work is. It never ceases to amaze me what guys say to her! The other day she was in our break room getting coffee and one of the new guys came in to get coffee. She asked him how he was doing. His response? Not so good, I think my libido is breaking down. What the hell!!?? Who says that to a female co-worker that you barely know? Seriously. That’s just the tip of the iceberg for her. Maybe I should put you two in touch with each other. You could compare weirdo notes πŸ™‚

    • janeybgood says:

      Oh dear, hahaha! I think I would have actually gasped in shock. Men, huh? Or should I say, *some* men! Well if she ever needs advice, you know where to steer her! Although, as my boyfriend pointed out the other day, maybe I attract weirdos because I am a gigantic weirdo myself haha!
      Thanks for commenting and I hope all is well πŸ˜€

  3. dweezer19 says:

    Nice roundup Janey. I hope I never have to use one of these. I’ve got one for you . I once had a guy obnoxiously hitting on me at a bar. The bartender was cool and after a bit I asked him, “hey, you got any bug spray.” He chuckled and retrieved a huge can of Raid from under the counter. Thank God I was too tipsy to be worried about their bug problem. The giant Praying Mantis left when my friend’s “squeeze” deftly picked up the can and sprayed, setting it on fire with his lighter. Good times, yeeeahhhh. 😳 What happens in New Orleans stays in New Orleans…

    • janeybgood says:

      “The giant Praying Mantis” okay, I laughed out loud. And then I stopped for a minute, and then I laughed again. You can imagine what I’m imagining: a literal giant Praying Mantis wearing sleazy guy clothes. Oh dear, I’m too tired and giddy. Too much caffeine.

      That sounded like heaps of fun (minus creepy guy) and is exactly what me and my friends would do! πŸ™‚

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