People I hate at the movies

A while back, I discussed the kinds of people who make me want to go medieval in the supermarket. Not the good kind of medieval, the Samuel L. Jackson kind.

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As bad as these people are (and they are baaaad), there’s another place where I get even more irked. And that, dear readers, is the cinema.

Again, I’m gonna put a big ole disclaimer here and say that I’m a pretty pleasant person. You want a hug? I will hug you. You need a drive somewhere? I got your back. You need blood? Sure, I got lots of it.
But if you go to the cinema and do any of the following, I can say with irrevocable certainty that I hate you. Here is a list of people I hate in the cinema…because bitter.

1. The person who decides that the best time to open their snacks is during the most tense part of the film

You’re pretty hooked on the scene in front of you. It’s a gothic horror set during Victorian times. The protagonist is walking down a long dark corridor and there’s a creepy piano providing the eerie soundtrack. Your heart is thumping in your chest and then…

*rustle* *rustle* *munch* *rustle*

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Nothing ruins the illusion of horror like someone happily munching on M&Ms. I mean man, I get it, you’ve got M&Ms and you’re happy. Of course you are…M&Ms! But seriously, can it or this happens:

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2. The person who laughs. At. Everything.

I get it. I get funnies. Sometimes I laugh for no reason at all, and despite what doctors tell me, I’m probably pretty normal. But when I’m watching a film and I’m stuck beside someone who laughs at everything, well, that’s when I start feeling murdery (I may have made that word up, take note dictionary people).

The other night, I went to see a horror film, and some lady behind me kept nervous laughing during the most frightening scenes. I get that this is probably how she copes with being scared, but if you’re going to become a hyena every time you get scared in a horror film (!) then why not go next door and watch The Fault in our Stars instead? Or is terminal illness also hilarious to you? Jeeeeeez.

3. The person who provides their friends with a running commentary of the film…

…because apparently, there is no way any of us would be able to comprehend the incredibly complex plot of The Lego Movie without your input. Thank you.

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4. The person who takes out their phone

I’m sure your check-in “at the cinema watching Frozen OMGEEEEE” on Facebook can wait. If I can wait to look at the IMDb trivia until I get home, then so can you.

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So murdery right now…

5. People who say stuff like “he’s behind you”.

Does this look like the panto, b**ch?!

6. The person with the bladder the side of a pea who decides to sit in the middle/in the inside of a row

You know this person. They order a gallon of Coke and make several excursions to the bathroom. They have to scooch past you several times. With their ass in your face while you try to avert your eyes and for some reason make this face:

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It took my forever to find the exact expression I was looking for.
Thanks Brit-naaaay.

7. People who invade your personal space*

*in half empty movie theatres, this is widely considered to be the twelve seats immediately surrounding you. Or something.

This is the person that has no concept of the term “awkward.” Even though there are hundreds of empty seats, they want to sit near you. Because you’re awesome and a magnet for needy weirdos. Hurrah.

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8. The person who asks you plot questions

You decide to bring your friend to the cinema because you’re nice like that. Unfortunately for you, you forgot your friend is an idiot. You are positively plagued with questions:

Who’s that guy?

Wait, I thought he was dead, no?

Was that guy in “Survivor”?

Did that guy steal a car? Where did the car come from?

Wait, what did he say?

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9. The person who keeps hitting your seat

Get your feet/leg/hands/torso/ass/forehead/arms/tentacles/WHATEVER off my seat now. Seriously, if I am rocked around on my seat once more, ONCE MORE, I’ll have to get the usher to ask you nicely to stop. YEAH, I’LL DO IT.

10. The person who is late

I’m sure you have a very valid and genuine reason for being thirty minutes late to a film. Your stopover at the snack bar no doubt didn’t help your cause. But hey, none of us mind your chitchat with your buddies when you come in, or having to stand up so you and your friends can take a seat at the inside of the row while you spill popcorn all over us.

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Tell me about who you hate in the cinema?

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44 thoughts on “People I hate at the movies

  1. Zee says:

    I’m so glad I discovered your blog! Gotta admit I ask plot questions the whole way through stuff but I do try and reserve that for when I’m watching stuff at home

    • janeybgood says:

      You know what? So do I haha! I felt guilty writing that because my friends and my boyfriend always say this about me. So technically, I hate myself.

      And thanks 🙂

  2. dweezer19 says:

    You just about covered it for me Janey. All those things drive my hubby mad enough to not attend many films. But for me, it’s the space invaders. My son and I went to lots of films. He works in film. We go to matinees just to avoid 80%of your list. We arrive. Entire theater to orselves. Previews start. Still alone. The commercials finish up. Lights go dimmer. We have 40 minutes invested in our film paradise. Enter idiots stage left. Young parents who obviously want to see the film knowing full well it will be boring to their young, noisy children. And the only seatd that will do are those right up next to us! Great just the togetherness we’d hoped for. Then more latecomers until the place is half full and well into the opening lines. Ggggrrrrrr.. That’s why hubby refuses to go and I buy any movie I love so I can watch it at home and pick up all those missed moments…..still, darkness, velvet seats, freshly popped corn and the feel of my feet sticking to the floor will always keep me coming back for more. 😊

    • janeybgood says:

      Oh man,
      I’m getting mad even reading that! Haha! I was gonna do an entry on kids but I figured I already sounded too bitter 😀 but you’re right, most kids don’t have the attention span to handle a long film and a lot of parents bring their kids to see films that are totally unsuitable. Urgh.

      I do love the smell of popcorn there though like you said mmmm

  3. V says:

    People who go to the cinema when they’re sick. Why. Not only is it really inconsiderate to the people around you, but surely you’re not enjoying yourself!? Surely it would have been more comfortable for you to stay at home and marathon Netflix or a boxset? The constant coughing and spluttering beside me makes me want to slap your snotty face, and the idea that you actually find it totally acceptable to be so totally self-absorbed and subject me to your germs OFFENDS ME. LEAVE NOW AND TAKE YOUR EVIL GERMS WITH YOU.

    I hate the rustlers too. I swear, like yourself, I am an easy-going person. But when I’m trying to concentrate on a film and someone breaks that concentration regularly with an annoying noise, then all I will be able to hear is that noise.

    • janeybgood says:

      The sick one was actually going to be my number 11 but I just couldn’t have 11 things on a list. But yeah. The coughing. I just can’t handle it. Jack thinks I’m being mean, because he can see me tensing up and sighing. I just find it disgusting.

      Like you, I just want to watch a film in peace. IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

  4. Lisa Macy Coaching says:

    You so totally nailed it! Another thing is bringing toddlers and babies to movies that they shouldn’t be in! They won’t sit still, they cry, they holler, they scream………ugh……..And that look was the PERFECT look! I do that look but probably not as well!

  5. motherhendiaries says:

    Girl, I get murdery over anyone who makes any noise in the cinema. ANY noise. At all. Except maybe laughter at appropriate times. Like when something is ACTUALLY FUNNY. Great post, BTW! Man, I feel the need to go to the cinema. Like… Now.

    • janeybgood says:

      I love that this post made you want to go to cinema rather than deterred you from going haha!

      But yes, murdery all the way. In case anyone is reading this, not *literally* murdery (whispers) but really, murdery.

      • motherhendiaries says:

        Bahaha! Yeah, we always got to keep the disclaimers in mind. We SO ain’t got time for lawsuits – ha! *suit happy weirdos make me so murdery* *but not literally* *sheesh*

  6. Trent Lewin says:

    Kicking my seat from behind… hate that. One time, there was a kid next to us (maybe 12?) who just kept commenting on everything that was happening in the movie. And it’s not like it was a hard movie to understand, I think it was Iron Man. His mom just sat there. Let him keep talking – not a whisper, mind you, but full volume. Near ruined the movie for me.

    I love movies, though, love the thought of seeing something with a bunch of strangers in a big open space, love the snacks, the trailers, all of it. I think it’s one of the finest experiences we have invented.

    • janeybgood says:

      Ugh, I’ve been there. And you can’t exactly say anything because Moms are like lionesses when someone says anything about their kids.
      I do love the experience mostly, and actually, a lot of the time it goes perfectly fine, but when someone is annoying it can totally ruin it.

  7. belicovaa says:

    i don’t tolerate kids in general. But in the cinema… it’s like a compilation of everything you mentioned here: they’re loud, they make noises, they have to go to the toilet way to offen, they ask stupid questions… so help me god, what’s wrong with their parents???

  8. Whovian says:

    The people who just won’t SHUT UP! (not just kids, but adults too) I recently went to a movie and it reminded me why I don’t go. The people diagonally behind me talked the entire way through the movie at regular volume, and not about the movie. I turned around once and actually said “shut up” (those words) which stopped them for just under 5 minutes. All told out evening out cost us around $50 (tickets, refreshments) but we couldn’t enjoy it.

    I’d been lulled into a false sense of security when several months earlier I’d enjoyed myself after not entering a theater for several years:

    The best experience I ever had was at the 50th anniversary showing of Doctor Who last November. Tickets were incredibly difficult to obtain, so everyone who was there had “camped out” for tickets (mostly online, some at the theater itself). There were no children I saw (some teens, but not many), the majority were in costume and *everyone* was there to watch. People laughed and cried (when appropriate) but I didn’t notice anything rude at all.

    • janeybgood says:

      People talking is the worst and it’s very inconsiderate, although I think many don’t care. I don’t understand why someone would want to come to a movie, pay for it (and it’s expensive, like you said) and then proceed to talk the entire way through. I also don’t know how these people don’t register how annoying they’re being- or maybe they do and just don’t give a crap.

      You’re right. These special screenings are the best experience because people who go to these are actual fans and everyone cares so you’re less likely to have idiots ruining it for everyone else, or people who would so passively tolerate it.

  9. Niall McArdle says:

    all great points. i also hate the incessant coughers and the awful thumpety-thump sound of seats going up as people get up to go to the jacks. The talkers are by far the worst. I still have a vivid memory from my childhood of an appalling woman who sat behind me at E.T. Every time ET was on screen she would tut-tut and complain loudly how hideous-looking he was. I mean, Jesus, it’s ET. He’s lovable in spite of how weird he looks (isn’t that sort of the point?), but this silly cow kept on sucking in her breath and saying things like ‘OH SWEET JESUS HE’S SO UGLY!’

    • janeybgood says:

      Oh man, that would drive me insane. Poor ET, so misunderstood. I actually think he’s kinda adorable, in a really weird way. I hate when someone misses the point of a film; like one of my closest friends who hated the end of No Country for Old Men and I just loved the ending. Although hating ET’s appearance is more unforgivable.

  10. The Shapeless Truth says:

    Haha, I love this. This one time when I was at Jakarta with my Uncle and brother, we went to watch King Kong. So the movie’s subbed in Indonesian and me and my brother are like the only white people in the theatre. We were the only two people who laughed at the appropriate time (Jack Black). And the rest of the people in the theatre laughed at everything BUT what should’ve be funny: like people getting ripped apart or those creepy ass cannibals. Yep.

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