A while back, I discussed the kinds of people who make me want to go medieval in the supermarket. Not the good kind of medieval, the Samuel L. Jackson kind.
As bad as these people are (and they are baaaad), there’s another place where I get even more irked. And that, dear readers, is the cinema.
Again, I’m gonna put a big ole disclaimer here and say that I’m a pretty pleasant person. You want a hug? I will hug you. You need a drive somewhere? I got your back. You need blood? Sure, I got lots of it.
But if you go to the cinema and do any of the following, I can say with irrevocable certainty that I hate you. Here is a list of people I hate in the cinema…because bitter.
1. The person who decides that the best time to open their snacks is during the most tense part of the film
You’re pretty hooked on the scene in front of you. It’s a gothic horror set during Victorian times. The protagonist is walking down a long dark corridor and there’s a creepy piano providing the eerie soundtrack. Your heart is thumping in your chest and then…
*rustle* *rustle* *munch* *rustle*
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Nothing ruins the illusion of horror like someone happily munching on M&Ms. I mean man, I get it, you’ve got M&Ms and you’re happy. Of course you are…M&Ms! But seriously, can it or this happens:
2. The person who laughs. At. Everything.
I get it. I get funnies. Sometimes I laugh for no reason at all, and despite what doctors tell me, I’m probably pretty normal. But when I’m watching a film and I’m stuck beside someone who laughs at everything, well, that’s when I start feeling murdery (I may have made that word up, take note dictionary people).
The other night, I went to see a horror film, and some lady behind me kept nervous laughing during the most frightening scenes. I get that this is probably how she copes with being scared, but if you’re going to become a hyena every time you get scared in a horror film (!) then why not go next door and watch The Fault in our Stars instead? Or is terminal illness also hilarious to you? Jeeeeeez.
3. The person who provides their friends with a running commentary of the film…
…because apparently, there is no way any of us would be able to comprehend the incredibly complex plot of The Lego Movie without your input. Thank you.
4. The person who takes out their phone
I’m sure your check-in “at the cinema watching Frozen OMGEEEEE” on Facebook can wait. If I can wait to look at the IMDb trivia until I get home, then so can you.
So murdery right now…
5. People who say stuff like “he’s behind you”.
Does this look like the panto, b**ch?!
6. The person with the bladder the side of a pea who decides to sit in the middle/in the inside of a row
You know this person. They order a gallon of Coke and make several excursions to the bathroom. They have to scooch past you several times. With their ass in your face while you try to avert your eyes and for some reason make this face:
It took my forever to find the exact expression I was looking for.
7. People who invade your personal space*
*in half empty movie theatres, this is widely considered to be the twelve seats immediately surrounding you. Or something.
This is the person that has no concept of the term “awkward.” Even though there are hundreds of empty seats, they want to sit near you. Because you’re awesome and a magnet for needy weirdos. Hurrah.
8. The person who asks you plot questions
You decide to bring your friend to the cinema because you’re nice like that. Unfortunately for you, you forgot your friend is an idiot. You are positively plagued with questions:
Who’s that guy?
Wait, I thought he was dead, no?
Was that guy in “Survivor”?
Did that guy steal a car? Where did the car come from?
Wait, what did he say?
9. The person who keeps hitting your seat
Get your feet/leg/hands/torso/ass/forehead/arms/tentacles/WHATEVER off my seat now. Seriously, if I am rocked around on my seat once more, ONCE MORE, I’ll have to get the usher to ask you nicely to stop. YEAH, I’LL DO IT.
10. The person who is late
I’m sure you have a very valid and genuine reason for being thirty minutes late to a film. Your stopover at the snack bar no doubt didn’t help your cause. But hey, none of us mind your chitchat with your buddies when you come in, or having to stand up so you and your friends can take a seat at the inside of the row while you spill popcorn all over us.
Tell me about who you hate in the cinema?