Famous quotes with a twist

Everyone loves a good ole inspirational or famous literary quote. Everyone knows that if you frequently quote Oscar Wilde you appear 99% more intelligent. Or is that douchey? I can never remember. (I do love me some Oscar. I even named my dog after him, and definitely not Oscar the Grouch. Ahem.) My Facebook tends to be littered with quotes. There are two problems I have with this:

1. How do we know the quoted person is actually responsible for saying the quote? It could even be entirely fictional. Some are pretty easy to spot:

Bitches be trippin’.
-Abraham Lincoln

But then there’s those quotes where people just accept as genuine. Take the recently viral “Brad Pitt” letter about his wife. You know, the one that begins with “My wife got sick…” I must have seen this letter on my newsfeed ten or more times in one day. Rather than check it’s authenticity, my friends just keep on liking and sharing. It is, of course, fake.

2. Quotes are often more cliched than George Clooney with a young model. You know that over-quoted “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure…” Marilyn Monroe quote? If I see it one more time…

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So to counteract all of this, I thought I would change up some of the most famous quotes of all time. Because I’m interesting like that.

1. If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants

Great quote often attributed to Issac Newton. I still think he should have said:

If I have seen further, it’s because I just got a bitchin pair of binoculars.

Better right?

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2. This above all: to thine own self be true

That’s nice and all Shakespeare, but because the quote comes from Polonius, it’s completely hypocritical. While he’s dishing out the advice, he should’ve said

This above all: her bum never looks big in this.

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3. IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Oh Jane Austen, you satirical so and so you. But while we’re universally acknowledging truths, couldn’t we also go with:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a new pair of scissors will come in a packet that requires a scissors to open it.

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What a lovely pair of…scissors.

Or

It is a truth universally acknowledged that googling symptoms will result in you planning your own funeral.

So many universal truths, so little time.

What about you reader? What’s your favourite quote and how would you reword it? Let me know in the comments!

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19 thoughts on “Famous quotes with a twist

  1. dweezer19 says:

    “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” Should be, “there is nothing to fear but overpaid politicians who say you shouldn’t be afraid as they lead you into the slaughter of war.” Scissors? Really, Janey, who do you think you’re fooling here? πŸ˜‰

  2. Julie the Workaholic says:

    “A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.”
    Chinese proverb

    Julie-ism?
    A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man be happy without it.

    (Sorry…the damned scissors got in my head and now we’re both in the gutter.)

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