I’d like to think if Jane Austen was describing me, she’d use the word “amiable”. And “bitchin'”, but mostly “amiable”.
You see, I’m a nice person. I totally just smiled at you. Honest. Creepy internet smiling aside, most of the time, I’m sickeningly happy.
Except when I go to the supermarket. That’s where I go from this:
Okay so I was trying to demonstrate a HUGE change in facial expression but this is not a good example. It’s not my fault Kristin Stewart has ONE default facial expression.
Kristin Stewart’s chronic moody visage aside, when I go to the supermarket, I basically turn into the sort of person who wants to inflict pain on the genital areas of everyone in the store. I envisage “Clockwork Orange” style torture scenes where I’m basically laughing manically (and eating jam donuts, because hey, it’s my fantasy).
So without further ado, here is a list of the biggest shopping sinners (aka, the people I want to slap with a cod):
1. The selfish shopper
I could do a whole post on these mother effers but for the sake of my own sanity (I’m sure it’s around here somewhere), I’m just going to stick it in here (that’s what he said…sorry).
The worst offender is the person who goes to the supermarket with the assumption THAT THEY ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE SUPERMARKET. I’m shouting now because I’m mad brah.
You know the type: they stand in front of the pasta for twenty minutes because apparently choosing between penne and fusilli is akin to deciding whether to donate a kidney to your wife’s sister. They also abandon their trolly in the middle of the aisle so that there isn’t quite enough room on either side for you to get by and they decide to ignore your aggressive bronchial cough.
When you finally get to the checkout, stupid selfish Sarah (no offence Sarahs) is riiiight in front of you OF COURSE. After she has put through her fusilli AND penne cause she just couldn’t decide, she realises that she forgot to get carrots
So Sarah trots of, leaving an embarrassed cashier and an incensed but decidedly silent line of consumers behind her. I’m going to stop talking about her now, or I may have a heart attack.
2. People who treat the store attendants like idiots
I used to work in a supermarket and except for the time I was sexually harassed (I’m not even kidding), it was okay. The worst part was the superior attitude that many of the customers demonstrated to me. While I was working there, I was completing a degree and then later, a master’s degree. But most customers treated me like I was some kind of bimbo, which is only partly true (I do own uggs and a white iphone).
This is an actual conversation I once had (and subsequently got disciplined for):
Ahole customer: Um, did you just put that through as a turnip?
Me: Yes (I’m anticipating what is coming. A little tip from the inside: this is common trickery from the stingy consumer; trying to pass turnips as swedes as turnips cost a little more).
Me: Because it’s a turnip.
AC: No, it’s a swede.
Me: Sorry, but it’s a turnip. It’s much larger. I put lots through everyday.
AC: Well, I’m sure as a cashier, you’re a lot more intelligent than I am. So you must be right. You need serious lessons in customer service. Haven’t you heard that the customer is always right? I don’t even know why I’m arguing with some cashier.
Me: Well, ma’am, if you really want to get personal, you’re the one who doesn’t want to pay the minimal difference between a swede and a turnip. There’s a woman outside collecting for charity if you want to steal from her. And then you can argue with her guide dog about your superior intellect.
Needless to say, it wasn’t my ideal job.
Note: I was going to include a picture of both a turnip and a swede, but if you don’t know the difference, I don’t think you’re the kind of person I need in my life.
3. Incompetent employees
So, customers can be annoying but it’s fair to say that the employees can be pretty annoying too. There’s a cashier girl in my local supermarket who is so bad at her job that I feel she should be starring in some Tommy Wiseau film somewhere.
I inevitably get stuck with her, much like the geeky misfit gets stuck with the fat kid at a dance. She once broke a bottle of wine (a capital offence in my eyes) and also managed to accidentally ring up an item worth €750 once. I can’t even…
Her latest quirk is commenting on ALL of my shopping. Now, I’m a pretty creepy person, but this is verging on SUPERCREEPY (a term I reserve for the creepiest of people, like Christopher Walken’s teeth). She leafs through my magazines, she holds up my choice of toilet paper and mumbles “huh”, she SNIFFS my clementines, she reads the nutritional information on my protein bars. I mean, I’m sorry, DO YOU WANT TO JUST CLIMB INTO BED WITH ME?!
4. The awkward acquaintance
You know the one. You meet this person in aisle one. You barely know them, but you know them enough to have to engage them in inane awkward supermarket chit chat. After your awkward encounter is over, you think “phew, thankfully that’s over”. But it’s not. Because you’ll see them in aisle two. And you’ll both make some half-arsed attempt at a smile and nod. In aisle three, you’ll make some half-arsed comment like “you again, ha ha ha”. By aisle four, you’re pretending not to see each other. Awkward level: Woody Allen.
5. The lazy customer
Sure, lazy customer, deciding you don’t need raw chicken and putting it back in the cooked chicken section is totally acceptable because they are practically the same thing. And when a new checkout opens up, trotting up from the back of the queue to be served first is also acceptable. You were standing there for all of five seconds after all. Aaaand breathe out.
6. The smug shopper
You run into your friend Sasha. Sasha is wearing yoga pants and inexplicably smells like lavender. Damn, Sasha.
Her trolly has the following items: Fat free organic goat’s cheese, quinoa, organic blueberries, elderberry juice, tofu, Quorn mince and kale. There’s always kale.
My trolly has the following items:
Sharknado DVD and donuts.
If, of course, Sasha were Christian Bale.
So dearest WordPress friend, tell me about people who annoy you in the supermarket. Or am I alone? I don’t like being alone.
Also, shout out to Julie over at http://musingsfromaworkaholic.com for the supermarket inspiration. Thanks girl 🙂