Hey there grumpy-face! How do I know you’re grumpy? Look outside your window, hello! Haha, kidding…I can’t get another restraining order.
Anyway, I’ve compiled a list of ways for you to mildly improve your day because I’m nice like that.
1. Smile at a stranger
Now, listen carefully. This is important: your smile with either be interpreted as charming and friendly or creepy and unsettling. But the important thing is, you’re trying to be nice. And that always feels good.
2. Pet an animal*
*Preferably your own. I mean sure, you could hang around the park, asking random strangers if you can stroke their pussycat or their bitch, but for some reason that usually results in an arrest. Instead, why not pet your dog/cat/turtle?
Who cares if you sound like a cat being anally probed? You go and Disney the crap out of your day.
Just look how happy this cat is:
4. Make an awards acceptance speech in front of a mirror
You wouldn’t believe how many Oscars I’ve won. Seriously, Meryl Streep has nothing on me. I once managed to win Best Actress and Best Actress in a Supporting Role in the same movie because I’m just that damn good. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you, my fans.
Look at me there, I just wasn’t expecting it….Any resemblance to the actress Gwyneth Paltrow is purely coincidental…
5. Narrate someone’s day
This might get veeerrrry annoying for other people but who cares as long as you’re having fun. Here’s a snippet of how I annoy my friend Anne.
Anne is eating her lunch. Anne doesn’t like her lunch. Anne is putting her fork down. Anne is staring at Jane. Anne seems displeased. Anne is moving away. Jane is following Anne. Anne is using profanities. Anne is having a baaaad day.
So there ya go! Happy weirding!