When Jack and I argue, I often run out of constructive things to say because, well, he’s doing a PhD and I write blog entries about farting. So I often resort to ill-thought out insults that are, frankly, terrible… or brilliant, depending on your sense of humour. Okay, just terrible. We love each other, but sometimes he can be a real:
AKA the things that apparently get stuck to your butt-hair sometimes. Apparently.
American friends, I have to tell you something very important here. In your lovely nation, the term ‘fanny’ refers to the posterior. Over here, it actually refers to the frankly far more offensive female genitalia (come on, you could say ‘I kicked butt’ in polite company but not ‘I kicked…ahem CU Next Tuesday’…) so just be careful if in Ireland/the UK. Or maybe I shouldn’t have said anything and have people look at you like this
3. Vagina Beard
Jack’s face often looks so like a vagina that perhaps I should be questioning my sexuality.
4. Kim Jong Il
He also looks a little like the former North Korean dictator. Seriously, what am I attracted to?!
5. Linda Ronstadt
I don’t know either.
Because I’m jealous of his superior intellect. There, I said it.
For those of you feeling bad for Jack, this is what he calls me. Sometimes he adds a bit of sophistication to it and it becomes ‘turdeson’. Ah, love.
8. Hairy gimp
This is reserved for when I am really, really angry with him, as you might have guessed.
This is basically Irish slang meaning erm, ‘lady-part bag’ or ‘douchebag’ if you will. Classy.
10. Rick Astley
We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules, and so do I.
I just totally Rick-rolled you.
Instead of McFlurry. You know, slurry…McSlurry…OH FORGET IT!
So, there it is. My repertoire of insults. And if you think I’m mean, Jack called me a ‘half-wit douchetube’ a while ago. So how about you feel bad FOR ME?