Although a woman sulking is as terrifying as a posse of clowns embroiled in a knife fight, there’s also something endearing and cute about it. When a man sulks, it just doesn’t suit him. It’s like trying to put a tux on Snoop Dogg.
2. Use baby talk
Picture this scenario: You feel ill. Your boyfriend tucks you into bed, bends over you and says:
‘My poor widdle baby. Ooh, your so adorwable! Who wants a widdle cuddle? Who want their fwuffy bear?’
We women are complex creatures. When we are jealous, we either sulk (see above) or go bat-shit insane and par-boil your family pet. We like to wear our hearts on our sleeves with this one. Men, however, attempt a little more subtlety because pure unadulterated jealously on a man is often seen as a weakness. A man isn’t going to actually admit being threatened by another man. This clip by comedian Tommy Tiernan hilariously explains what I mean.
4. Pose for selfies
My Facebook newsfeed is inundated with selfies of my female friends (you know, just incase I forget what they look like) in all sorts of poses (duck, stripper, stripper-duck). However, my male friends know that a male selfie has a touch of ‘sex offender’ about it.
5. Be seductive
There’s something about Jack (and many other guys) when he’s trying his best ‘come to bed eyes’ that’s more Milhouse van Houten than George Clooney. Then again, I once fell down the stairs in heels while trying my best femme fatale impression, so I can’t talk.
6. Be physically affectionate with their friends
When I moved house recently, I spent the night before tearfully embracing my female friends. We held hands over wine and reminisced. We hugged goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and lots of sniffling into each other’s shoulders. Jack shook his best friend’s hand. He SHOOK HIS HAND. So I asked a few guys I know ‘when is it acceptable to be physically affectionate with a male friend?’ Their answer: If someone dies, or in a spontaneous moment of sporting success (which must never be discussed again).
I don’t like to come across as shallow or dishonest, but boy do I love a good gossip. It’s like picking at a scab (sorry); I know it’s wrong but it’s oh-so-satisfying. I have a friend from home who rings me once a week for our weekly catchup. My end of the conversation sounds like this:
‘Really? Did she? Oh my God! You know she’s totally lying though. Is she? Wow. He did WHAT? I heard he did it. That’s just what I heard…’
When I get off the phone, Jack knows I’m a veritable gold mine of gossip and I can see the overwhelming desire in him to hear it all. Then he remembers he’s a guy so will just ask ‘so, erm, any news?’ to which I will cruelly reply ‘nope.’ Fess up, Jack! You want to gossip. It’s fetch.
8. Use sex as a weapon
We women shouldn’t, but often do, withhold sex to punish/get what we want. If men decided to do this, the human race would probably become extinct.
9. Flirt to get what they want
Another wily tactic us women often resort to is flirting to get what we want. Diabolical. For example:
With the police- ‘Oh, I’m so sorry officer.’ *bats eyelids*
With bouncers- ‘Any chance we could skip the queue? Our short skirts barely cover our legs. Birr.’ *girlish giggle* etc etc.
If a guy were to try this, he’d end up in prison. Or hospital. Remember Ross from Friends attempt at flirting with a male cop?
10. Go to the bathroom in groups
Us girls are like wolves, everything is done together. When we go to the bathroom together, we often don’t even pee. We go to talk about you. Yes guys, now you know.
If a man was to announce ‘I have to pee…. COME ON KEVIN!’ there would be quite the uncomfortable silence. In fact, men often make a concerted effort to avoid going to the bathroom at the same time in public places. What, with all the awkwardness and all.