1. “I’ll be there in a minute” (See also: “I’m on my way”)
It’s never a minute. It’s usually a collection of several of them.
2. “I’ll go for a run later”
Replace the word ‘run’ with ‘cheeseburger’.
3. “Yeah I totally watch *insert insanely popular TV show that EVERYONE is always talking about but you haven’t gotten around to watching yet”
Have you ever been sitting with a large bunch of people who are gushing about the latest episode of ‘Breaking Bad’ or ‘Game of Thrones’ and you literally have no idea what they’re all talking about? It’s torture.
4. “Yeah I did see the news last night.”
E! news counts, right?
5. “More pictures of your kids? Great, show me!”
Or, jab a pin in my eye. That would also be fun.
6. “No I didn’t see her new Facebook profiler. It’s not like I cyber-stalk her. *Awkward laugh*”
7. “Yeah I was reading that in the newspaper over breakfast”.
When I say ‘newspaper’ I mean ‘cereal box puzzle’ and when I say breakfast I mean ‘stale donut and bacon’.
8. “I love your shirt/dress/hair/crocs
Translation: “I hate it so much it physically hurts”
9. “That is sooo interesting”
And so is the paint drying on the wall behind you.
10. “It wasn’t me”
Well *someone* had to have farted, broke the office stapler, left the side-gate open so the dog is now pregnant, ate the last eclair and broke the side mirror of that Merc. But it wasn’t me. And even if all the evidence points to the contrary, this statement is enough of a rebuttal to get people off your back. Hey, it worked for OJ. Woah, too soon??