So I might not be single (not bragging or anything, I can never do the ‘Single Ladies’ dance in a club *wipes tear*) but I feel your pain every time I hear someone utter any of the following to my single friends.
1. Don’t worry, you’ll find someone.
And ‘condescending a-hole’ is a river in Egypt.
2. You should meet my friend *insert name*
And you should meet my mother, you two would have a lot of patronising to do together.
3. Have you tried online dating?
Online dating? Is this some sort of new-fangled interweb invention? No, sorry, I’ve been too busy churning butter and accusing my neighbours of witchcraft.
4. You should try speed dating
The only thing worse than a bad date? Thirty simultaneous bad dates.
5. When you’re married, you’ll miss being single.
And when someone kicks you in the face, you’ll miss having teeth.
6. You should get a dog.
You’re right. Is your mom available?
7. At least you get to have flings.
Ah yes, the meaningless one night stand. A great way to keep my dignity intact.
8. I wish I was single, like you.
Well, be a dear and give me your boyfriend then.
9. So, are you seeing anyone yet?
I see a lot of people. Through the magic of sight.
10. You’re so great, I don’t know how you’re single.
You reply with ‘perhaps it’s my crime ridden past and murderous temper’ and watch all faces around you drop. The uncomfortable silence which follows is an added bonus.