10 Things Single People Hate Hearing

So I might not be single (not bragging or anything, I can never do the ‘Single Ladies’ dance in a club *wipes tear*) but I feel your pain every time I hear someone utter any of the following to my single friends.

1. Don’t worry, you’ll find someone.

And ‘condescending a-hole’ is a river in Egypt.

2. You should meet my friend *insert name*

And you should meet my mother, you two would have a lot of patronising to do together.

3. Have you tried online dating?

Online dating? Is this some sort of new-fangled interweb invention? No, sorry, I’ve been too busy churning butter and accusing my neighbours of witchcraft.

4. You should try speed dating

The only thing worse than a bad date? Thirty simultaneous bad dates.

5. When you’re married, you’ll miss being single.

And when someone kicks you in the face, you’ll miss having teeth.

6. You should get a dog.

You’re right. Is your mom available?

7. At least you get to have flings.

Ah yes, the meaningless one night stand. A great way to keep my dignity intact.

8. I wish I was single, like you.

Well, be a dear and give me your boyfriend then.

9. So, are you seeing anyone yet?

I see a lot of people. Through the magic of sight.

10. You’re so great, I don’t know how you’re single.

You reply with ‘perhaps it’s my crime ridden past and murderous temper’ and watch all faces around you drop. The uncomfortable silence which follows is an added bonus.


20 thoughts on “10 Things Single People Hate Hearing

      • TooFullToWrite says:

        What a lovely thing to say, thank you. I tried to write poetry for my (soon to be ex) wife and she acted like I had confused her with someone else and was cheating on her. Now that’s the power of words!

      • TooFullToWrite says:

        I’ve certainly gained much more appreciation for it now that I write it all the time. Nearly every comment that I type also tends to have some kind of poetic lyric in it.

      • janeybgood says:

        Which is fantastic. I love and appreciate (and teach) poetry but I can’t seem to master writing it. Which is why I think those of you who can are pretty amazing.

      • TooFullToWrite says:

        That’s awesome. I’ve never been taught poetry, I just write it, tweak the odd bit and somehow many people tell me that they really like it. My favourite is collaborative poetry because you have to morph your style to fit who you are writing with. It’s fun writing with talented people too. Have a look at my collabs, we should write a duet together since you have a love for and teach poetry, I’m sure you’ll have a blast.

      • janeybgood says:

        You seem to have such a natural flare for it, whereas I would have to sit and think for a long time. I was wondering how your collaborative poetry works? It’s a great idea. I would love to write with you, but I warn you, I am hopeless!

      • TooFullToWrite says:

        You’ll be great. All you have to do is, I can start us off with four lines and then you write four lines and we keep going with a particular theme until we’ve written about thirty odd (I’ve been told forty line poems are tiring to read). I’ve already got one I’ve nearly finished with another friend and have another one with PMAO. How about I send you some? I always encourage people to take their time and I’ll even help out if you are not sure which words will be the best fit or I think they will be better with a slight tweak.

      • TooFullToWrite says:

        It is going quickly πŸ™‚ I am unfortunately going to have to slow things down for a couple of hours while I watch a film. Your lyrics are wonderful, I can see another classic brewing. I will take a look a bit later, look forward to it

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