I’m being a Personal Polly and not very funny…sorry

Boobies! So I’ve been on a bit of a vacation. And by vacation, I mean I’ve been too lazy to write. Actually, lazy probably isn’t the right word. I’ve been a bit low. I’m currently unemployed after working in an amazing (and well-paid) job for two years. My days are a continuous cycle of dragging myself out of bed, feeding my pets and myself (in that order), applying for work and then watching TV until I feel tired enough to sleep. I often experience bouts of insomnia but after just coming off my epilepsy medication, I have to try to maintain a healthy sleeping pattern.
My friends have been great to me. I’m surprised I still have friends as I’ve pretty much been wallowing in self pity for weeks now. I’m not going to go into why, because you don’t want to hear it. See how well I know you?
The weird part is is that I am usually a paragon of optimism and positivity. In a six month period, I endured a diagnosis of epilepsy, the breakdown of my parent’s marriage, the death of my dog after 14 years and a close family member being diagnosed with cancer. Even then, I managed to keep my sense of humour and I was a shoulder to cry on for many family members. I never looked for or expected pity. My friends frequently criticised me for not opening up enough and for appearing ‘too ok.’ Too ok? Is ok an emotion??
Anyway, my point is, that should have been the toughest time of my life. In some ways, it was. I never opened up to anyone, not even Jack. I would, however, often cry when I was alone. I managed to get through that very rough time with the support and love of friends and family.
This past few weeks have been different. I always look forward to the summer holidays but I inevitably end up feeling bored and frustrated after a few weeks. This year, I decided to enrol in a course dealing with teaching kids on the Autism Spectrum. That took about a week. I have substituted for the last two years and I can hand on heart say that I genuinely love teaching. There’s nothing else I would rather do. And I’m good at it. I always care about my students and I want to help them as much as I can. (Yes, I’m aware this is not the stage of Miss World.) I genuinely believed that I would find a job of my own this year. I applied and applied and…nothing. Not even a reply to a single application. This has left me disillusioned and feeling inadequate. I’ve become quiet and detached.
It’s been tough for Jack. I’m usually so optimistic and positive that it’s him relying on me to cheer him up. I’m never this quiet. In ways, we’re experiencing a bizarre and unprecedented role-reversal. Poor Jack finds it hard to cope with. He has been good to me. He bought me tiramisu the other day despite the fact that he hates it. (WHO THE HELL HATES TIRIMASU???!!) I try to put on a brave face because I’m not one for being negative (cynical, maybe, but not negative.) Sometimes though, the pressure becomes too much; the pressure to be smiley, funny, and a constant source of comfort for everyone else. Jack gets this. He doesn’t judge me. If I’m in a bad mood, he doesn’t ask why. He just respects that I need space. He’ll make a small gesture, like make me a cup of tea, that just means the world to me.
So, in summary, apologies for not writing but it would have interfered with my routine of doing nothing har har. in all seriousness, I just wasn’t up to it. I’m feeling more positive now, and Jack’s being amazing. I will return to being funny (my Mom says I’m funny…*tumbleweed*) ASAP. Did I just write ASAP? Yes, yes I did.


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