1. Overly-Affectionate Couple
I’ve done a blog-post on this already so I’m just going to be really lazy here and say that this couple is the holy grail of irritating couples. We know you love each other. You don’t need to slobber all over each other and call each other ‘honey-kins’ to prove it. Bleurgh.
2. Passive-Aggressive Couple
There is nothing more uncomfortable than being in the company of this couple. They’ve been together so long that they annoy the life out of each other but they won’t break up. This causes a tension so severe that even a puppy can’t ease it (trust me, I’ve tried). They think their back and forth digs are subtle, but in reality they’re about as subtle as Rob Reiner in a tutu. Comments like ‘we would have been here sooner, but someone took a wrong turn. Again. Ha ha ha’ make you wish that teleporting wasn’t just confined to sci-fi films.
3. No Fun Any More Couple
You know what it’s like. You remember a holiday you took with your friend a few years back. She got a tattoo on her butt and drank so much tequila you thought her blood might be replaced by pure alcohol. You decide to give her a call.
‘Oh, I can’t come out, sorry. I’m staying in with Tim tonight.’
Oh, you mean like you do EVERY OTHER NIGHT OF THE WEEK? You shed a tear for your fallen comrade and move on. She’s gone.
4. Smug Couple
This couple is very similar to overly affectionate couple except their express their superiority to everyone around them by talking rather than dry-humping. Since they forget to designate one of them to be self-important talker, they frequently finish each other’s sentences so the conversation goes a little something like this:
‘We were climbing Machu Picchu and Greg got tired. So our guide-‘
‘His name was Raoul-‘
‘So, Raoul says “If you want, I’ve got fried Tarantula legs.” So Greg says-‘
‘So, I said “I eat those all the time.” I’m so funny. Ha ha ha.’
‘He did say that. He is so funny.’
Your head will move from one face to another so much during this conversation, you may end up with whip-lash. My advice is to get very, very drunk.
5. Make-up and Break-up…and Make-up Couple
You’re nodding in solidarity with me, aren’t you? Can I get an Amen? Can I get a hell yeah? Am I pushing it? Okay, I’ll stop. But we can agree, we’ve all been a victim of this couple’s antics at one stage or another. Gather round, and I’ll tell you a story. A few years ago, my (now former) friend started going out with the village Lothario. A few months in, he cheated on her and she broke up with him. She came to my house for a bottle (or six) of wine. This is what I said:
‘He’s a creep. I’ve never liked him. You should never get back together with him.’
After a few days, I heard nothing from her. A week later, while doing my groceries, I ran into her. With him. Needless to say, it was awkward. We haven’t been friends since. I guess she didn’t appreciate my honesty. I always tell it like it is *chest bumps you*
The whole experience taught me a valuable lesson: when it comes to your friend’s relationships-lie. Or at least, without the truth. Yes, even if they ask for your opinion. Yes, even if they appear to have broken up. It’s a lie. It’s always a lie. Unless she’s murdered him, probably not a lie then.
6. We Live our Relationship on Facebook Couple
Basically take all five of the above and add a million points on the annoying meter if they are relevant…but on Facebook. There’s the ‘we live together but we still communicate through Facebook’ couple. Jack barely acknowledges my existence on Facebook (I’m crying inside). I mean why would I do this:
When I can yell ‘JACK MAKE THE TEA!’ in my big-girl voice.
And lets not forget the couple who have a little tiff (of the ‘OH MY GOD, YOU STEPPED ON THE CAT’S TAIL!’ variety) and decide to have a Facebook break up:
Ms. Overreact went from being in a relationship to single.
Oh my God, u ok hun?
1 Hour Later….
Ms. Overreact went from being single to in a relationship.
I mean, I fight with my parents but I don’t change my status to ‘orphan.’ Jeez.