My last blog post listed some of the most romantic songs ever written. I felt all fuzzy inside writing the list (it actually later turned out I’d eaten a particularly dodgy slice of pizza, oops). These are the types of songs you’d play for your first dance at your wedding, as you gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes and ignore the fact that you will be fighting about the toilet seat in three days time.
There are some songs, however, that just lack that…feeling. They wither have no emotional impact on you, the listener, whatsoever, or worse, they leave you scratching your head and wondering how on earth someone ever thought writing those lyrics would get them laid. So here’s my definitive list of the least romantic songs ever written.
1. I Want You Back, The Jackson Five
I’m pretty sure even Richard Nixon loved this song. See, that’s the kind of thing that goes on inside my head. But really, it’s catchy and everyone enjoys raising their voice a few octaves higher and singing along. As a love song though, it fails. ‘Aw but isn’t it about a guy who regrets the shabby treatment he gave his girl? And how he’d do anyhting to get her back?’ Well, yes. But look at the lyrics:
When I had you to myself
I didn’t want you around
Those pretty faces always
made you stand out in the crowd
So basically he’s really saying ‘when you were my girlfriend, you annoyed the crap out of me and there was always much hotter chicks around.’ You know what I’d tell this guy if he ever tried to get me back? Take a long walk off a short pier, my friend.
2. Every Breath You Take, The Police
Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you
Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Ill be watching you
I used to listen to this a a kid and think ‘great beat’ and not much else. Because I was a kid who also thought pirates lived in my back garden. But as I got older, I began to notice the lyrics had a certain creepy vibe to them. Surely, you don’t mean every single day, do you Sting? Oh, you do. Well, you can watch me go file a restraining order then. Note to self: Never date Sting.
3. Basically Anything By Akon
Let me tell you a funny story. A few years ago, as a joke I tell you, my best friend gave me a CD with the most explicit R&B and Hip-Hop she could find. I used to sometimes play it in my car because she got a kick out of watching a white Irish girl rap the lyrics to ‘The Next Episode.’ There were two songs (the first two, coincidentally) on the CD that I particularly hated though. One was ‘Smack That’ and the other was a subtly titled ‘I Wanna F**k You’, both by Akon. One day, my very innocent and very Catholic mother needs a drive into town. While I’m driving along, I absent-mindedly lean over and turn on the stereo. I hear the opening music to ‘I Wanna F**k You’ and I nearly run the car off the road trying to turn of the stereo. Oh, that’s right, it’s not a funny story, IT’S THE DAY I WOULD HAVE HAD THE MOST AWKWARD EXPERIENCE WITH MY MOTHER, EVER.
Now, I’m not one to get offended easily. I could sit here and write about how these songs objectify women in the most juvenile way possible. But that’s not just the issue here. The issue is that the lyrics are so terrible that any woman who falls for them deserves to be treated like crap. Lets take a look at some lyrics from I wanna F**k You
Just another tease far as I can see
Tryna get you up out this club if it means spendin’ a couple dubs
Throwin’ bout 30 stacks in the back make it rain like that cause I’m far from a scrub
And you know my pedigree, ex-deala use to move amphetamines
Girl I spend money like it don’t mean nothing and besides I got a thing for you.
So, basically, I’m drug-dealer and I want to get you drunk so you’ll shag me. Wow, that should be on a Hallmark.
Now lets look at Smack That
And possibly bend you over look back and watch me
Smack that all on the floor
Smack that give me some more
Smack that ’till you get sore
Smack that oh-oh!
Charming. Now, you’re probably thinking ‘whatever, prude, it’s the 21st century. PEOPLE HAVE SEX!’
But when you take a listen to something like I Want to Hold Your Hand by The Beatles, these songs seem predatory and sleazy.
4. My Place, Nelly
I’m including this song because it has some of the most ridiculous lyrics ever written.
If I could take back every word I would
And more, fo’ sho
If I thought that you would believe it
So, let me get this straight Mr. Nelly, you’re basically saying that you would say anything to your lover if she was dumb enough to believe it. Wow. And that’s not even the best line. The next line is so achingly romantic that I’m warning you: you may swoon.
Cause you make my life so convenient for me
So, what you’re saying is…this girl is in your life to make everything more convenient…FOR YOU? Wow, what chivalrous selflessness.
5. Gone Till November, Wyclef Jean
Every time I make a run, girl you turn around and cry, I ask myself why
Oh why, see you must understand I can’t work a 9 to 5, so I’ll be gone til
November, said I’ll be gone till November I’ll be gone till November, you
Tell my girl yo I be gone till November
Here’s a better idea, Wyclef, why don’t you tell her yourself? Sheesh.