Hey, you, LOSER! I jest. It’s our thing, right? But seriously, put that cat down. Here’s ten minutes where you can feel less forever alone by living vicariously through these epic fictional couples.
Bert and Ernie, Sesame Street
It’s okay guys. We know. YOU SHARE A BED FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
Noah Calhoun and Allie Hamilton, The Notebook
I will begrudgingly admit that these two are adorable. Nauseatingly adorable. ‘If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.’ If Ryan Gosling was a tape-worm, I’d be a tape-worm. How’s that for romantic?
Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist, Brokeback Mountain
I remember queuing up to see this movie in the cinema and hearing two guys in front of me describing it as a ‘movie about two gay cow-boys.’ What I realised as the drama unfolded in front of my eyes was that it was so much more than that. Firstly, it was sheep they were minding, not cows. Jeez. Secondly, mentioning gay cow-boys might render images of tassels, rhinestones and Dolly Parton. This just about blew every stereotype the gay community has had to contend with out of the water. Most heart-breaking moment? Choose between Jack’s heart-breaking ‘I wish I knew how to quit you’ line or the poignant moment Ennis discovers his own shirt in Jack’s closet. Oh, it’s too much. Excuse me a moment.
Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski, Saved by the Bell
What beautiful children they would have. Who would hopefully use average-sized cell phones. And they definitely will not be calling Jeff from The Max. Oh no.
Simba and Nala, The Lion King
Can you feeeel the looooove toniiiiiight?
Yes. Yes we can.
Their cute relationship almost makes up for Mufasa’s death. I said almost, Scar.
Ross Gellar and Rachel Green, Friends
Were they on a break? Doesn’t matter. She got off the plane.
Monica Gellar and Chandler Bing, Friends
She accidentally chopped off his toe with a knife and they still ended up together. That’s love, man.
Jack Dawson and Rose deWitt Bukater, Titanic
The script in this film has more ham than a luau but the relationship between Jack and Rose is utterly adorable.
Jack: Rose. You’re so stupid! Why did you do that, huh? You’re so stupid Rose. Why did you do that? Why?
Rose: You jump, I jump, right?
There’s all kinds of metaphorical and literal jumping involved.
I don’t think I will ever forgive Rose for not giving Jack some space on that wardrobe though.
Marge and Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Back in the classic (and let’s face is, far superior) episodes, Homer and Marge’s marriage was admirably realistic for a children’s cartoon. Here is a quote that happens to be sweet, funny and honest all at the same time:
Homer: Wait a minute…wait, that’s it! I know now what I can offer you that no one else can: complete and utter dependence!
Marge: Homer, that’s not a good thing.
Homer: Are you kidding? It’s a wondrous, marvellous thing! Marge, I need you more than anyone else on this entire planet could possibly ever need you! I need you to take care of me, to put up with me, and most of all I need you to love me, ’cause I love you.
All together now, awwwww.
Forest Gump and Jenny Curran, Forest Gump
Okay, so she sleeps with him out of pity and marries him for a sense of security but his line ‘Why don’t you love me, Jenny?…I’m not a smart man but I know what love is’ is simply heart-wrenching. His non-judgemental adoration of her is what many girls dream of. Or fear, but whatever. If you ever find yourself on a stage naked except for a guitar strategically covering your modesty while being groped by drunken middle aged men prone to throwing half-empty bottles of beer, you BETTER hope Forest is in the audience. What a guy.
Harry Burns and Sally Albright, When Harry met Sally
If John Madden was narrating this movie he’d have said ‘here’s a couple who represent real relationships.’ This film captures perfectly the complexities of romance. I actually felt like the writers spied on my relationship for ideas. Which of course would involve high-tech espionage and time-travel, and that’s just crazy. *Puts on tinfoil hat*
I’ll have what they’re having.
Heathcliff and Catherine Earnshaw, Wuthering Heights
If they were on Facebook, they’re relationships status would read ‘it’s complicated.’ And boy, was it. It was also beautiful, passionate and tempestuous. Catherine wonderfully sums up their love: ‘ . . . he’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same…’
It is Heathcliff’s quote that I find the most devastating: ‘You teach me now how cruel you’ve been — cruel and false! Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they’ll blight you — they’ll damn you. You loved me — then what right had you to leave me? What right — answer me — for the poor fancy you felt for Linton? Because misery, and degradation, and death, and nothing God or Satan could inflict would have parted us, you, of your own will, did it. I have not broken your heart — you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. So much the worse for me, that I am strong. Do I want to live? What kind of living will it be when you——oh, God! would you like to live with your soul in the grave?’
Heathcliff is the original tortured soul. The moody check shirt wearing Nirvana fan who never spoke that you were in love with when you were fifteen? Blame Emily Bronte.
Jordan Sullivan and Perry Cox, Scrubs
Speaking of complicated, these two deserve a trophy for the most dysfunctional yet weirdly loveable couple out there.
Jackie Burkhart and Stephen Hyde, That 70s Show
I just loved these two together. Yes, Donna and Eric were cute. Yes, Fez deserved to get the girl, well, any girl. Yes, she had more in common with equally vacuous and dim-witted Kelso, but none of these couplings had anywhere near as much chemistry as Jackie and Hyde. His struggle between being attracted to her and trying to maintain his cool-guy anti-establishment reputation is beyond endearing. Boo that they didn’t end up together, just plain boo.
Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
Oh how I love these two. I mean, if I was having a dinner party I would invite these two just for the banter between them.
Belle and the Beast, Beauty and the Beast
There are a few flaws here. A bit of a huge gaping one is that we never get to know the beast’s name, which, you know, is kind of a big deal. But maybe when you’ve been captured and held prisoner in a dingy castle where the ornaments talk, it’s not your priority to find out your captor’s name. It also might kinda ruin the mystique if his name turned out to be Steve or something. Anyway, I’ve chosen this because I go a little mushy inside whenever I watch this movie. The snow scene, the dancing scene, the ending where he sacrifices himself for her*….oh, it’s all so romantic.
*It’s ok, the spell is broken and he transforms into a curiously feminine yet admittedly handsome prince. As you do.
Carl and Ellie Fredricksen ,Up
I can’t talk (or incidentally, write) about this yet. It’s just too ksfnjabfjabfjbasf (the author wishes to advise that her own tears are causing her to lose sight of the computer screen. She would like to add that the opening of Up caused her to tear up in front of a classroom full of her own students so it is traumatic for her to talk about it. Maybe in a few years. Nope, she’s shaking her head while sobbing. Pull yourself together, woman.)
Frances “Baby” Houseman and Johnny Castle Dirty Dancing
Number of watermelons carried? One. Number of corners Baby was put in? Zero. Success!
Dawn Tinsely and Tim Canterbury The Office UK
One of the best will they/won’t they couples ever. The Christmas special makes me feel all warm inside. And it’s not just the mulled wine. If you are unfamiliar with this series, go watch it now. I’ll wait here.
Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, Harry Potter Series
It takes them forever to get there…but when they do, you wouldn’t see cuter in a roomful of Corgi puppies.
Maria Rainer and Captain von Trap, The Sound of Music*
Most girls who were born in the ‘80s might cite Zack Morris as their first crush. Mine was Christopher Plummer. I warned you that I was weird. I blame the whistle. And the line ‘Well, you can’t marry someone when you’re in love with someone else, can you?’ I think I just swooned little.
*Not technically fictional, but I’m making an exception. BECAUSE I CAN.
Aladdin and Jasmine, Aladdin
They had a date on a magic carpet. Who else can say that? No, that time you took ‘shrooms does not count.