If there’s ever a time in your relationship that you’ll wish your partner was raised by wolves, it’s when they suggest the dreaded parental meet. Sure, wolves are dangerous (just ask Red Riding’s Hood’s Grandma) but in this instance, they are no match for the people who raised your precious partner. Everything you say and do will be judged and they will talk about you when you leave. So how do you get them to say things like ‘she was a well-adjusted individual. We like her’ instead of ‘frankly we’d prefer if you brought home Lindsay Lohan’?
Well, follow my advice. Moms love me. Well, Jack’s Mom does. And maybe my Mom. That’s it really. Here you go:
- Don’t drink beforehand. You think a few tipples will make you confident and more sociable. They’re thinking ‘why is our son dating an alcoholic?’
- If there’s two things Dad’s love, it’s sweater-vests and being funny. Laugh at absolutely EVERYTHING his dad says. Unless, of course, it’s ‘we buried our dog Sparky today.’ Probably best not to laugh at that.
- Ask them if they’ve ever heard of Amanda Bynes. No? Well, regale them with tales of her escapades and compared to her, you’ll look like Marcia Brady. Bonus points for saying something like ‘if only she’d stayed in school’.
- Don’t offer to help cook. Cause his mom will say something like ‘Sautee the onions please.’ And you’ll put them in a blender. Then she’ll realise you’ve never sautéed before. Or, ahem, cooked hot food. Moms have a HUGE thing about their boys eating well. In her eyes, if you can’t provide the grub, then you can’t provide the love. If you can cook, don’t show off. As the saying goes ‘Hell hath no fury like a jealous mom.’
- You must pretend to just ADORE whatever pet they have. Even if their Persian, Mr Snufflebumps, is a psychotic feline who is already planning your downfall, you pet him. Even if you’re allergic. You can go to the Emergency Room later.
- NEVER begin any story about your partner with ‘last night, when we were fooling around…’
- When she breaks out the baby pictures, do not make fun of her precious bundle of joy with remarks like ‘LOOK HOW BIG YOUR HEAD WAS!’ or ‘WHEN DID YOU STOP BEING CLINICALLY OBESE?’ You can make fun of him later.
- Remember that tattoo you got on your butt during your trip to Thailand when you wanted to “find yourself”? Probably best not to show his parents.
- Don’t lie. If you tell them that current affairs is your forte then it should be. If his dad asks you ‘what do you think of Syria?’ and you respond with ‘Oh…um, Rice Krispies are my favourite…’ they’ll probably deduce that you were lying.
- Don’t dress like Nicki Minaj. That shouldn’t really be a problem, unless you’re Nicki Minaj.