How to meet his parents and not receive a restraining order

If there’s ever a time in your relationship that you’ll wish your partner was raised by wolves, it’s when they suggest the dreaded parental meet. Sure, wolves are dangerous (just ask Red Riding’s Hood’s Grandma) but in this instance, they are no match for the people who raised your precious partner. Everything you say and do will be judged and they will talk about you when you leave. So how do you get them to say things like ‘she was a well-adjusted individual. We like her’ instead of ‘frankly we’d prefer if you brought home Lindsay Lohan’?

Well, follow my advice. Moms love me. Well, Jack’s Mom does. And maybe my Mom. That’s it really. Here you go:

  1. Don’t drink beforehand. You think a few tipples will make you confident and more sociable. They’re thinking ‘why is our son dating an alcoholic?’
  2. If there’s two things Dad’s love, it’s sweater-vests and being funny. Laugh at absolutely EVERYTHING his dad says. Unless, of course, it’s ‘we buried our dog Sparky today.’ Probably best not to laugh at that.
  3. Ask them if they’ve ever heard of Amanda Bynes. No? Well, regale them with tales of her escapades and compared to her, you’ll look like Marcia Brady. Bonus points for saying something like ‘if only she’d stayed in school’.
  4. Don’t offer to help cook. Cause his mom will say something like ‘Sautee the onions please.’ And you’ll put them in a blender. Then she’ll realise you’ve never sautéed before. Or, ahem, cooked hot food. Moms have a HUGE thing about their boys eating well. In her eyes, if you can’t provide the grub, then you can’t provide the love. If you can cook, don’t show off. As the saying goes ‘Hell hath no fury like a jealous mom.’
  5. You must pretend to just ADORE whatever pet they have. Even if their Persian, Mr Snufflebumps, is a psychotic feline who is already planning your downfall, you pet him. Even if you’re allergic. You can go to the Emergency Room later.
  6. NEVER begin any story about your partner with ‘last night, when we were fooling around…’
  7. When she breaks out the baby pictures, do not make fun of her precious bundle of joy with remarks like ‘LOOK HOW BIG YOUR HEAD WAS!’ or ‘WHEN DID YOU STOP BEING CLINICALLY OBESE?’ You can make fun of him later.
  8. Remember that tattoo you got on your butt during your trip to Thailand when you wanted to “find yourself”? Probably best not to show his parents.
  9. Don’t lie. If you tell them that current affairs is your forte then it should be. If his dad asks you ‘what do you think of Syria?’ and you respond with ‘Oh…um, Rice Krispies are my favourite…’ they’ll probably deduce that you were lying.
  10. Don’t dress like Nicki Minaj. That shouldn’t really be a problem, unless you’re Nicki Minaj.

12 thoughts on “How to meet his parents and not receive a restraining order

  1. Tallulah "Lulu" Stark says:

    I choked a little, because it was actually that funny! I have to say, I had it a little easier than most ladies. My MIL is just as awkward, neurotic, quirky, and deliciously offensive as I am. When she brought out my husband’s baby pictures, she immediately proceeded to point at him and say, “Doesn’t he still have a huge head? His grandmother insisted, ‘That’s a football, and not a little boy!'”

    Now, for number seven, when mom leaves and you’re stuck with dad, then you can start making those remarks. Dads love that. Dads will jump at the chance to poke fun at the little guy!

    • janeybgood says:

      Haha thank you! Yes, I also have a pretty unique (potential) MIL. I remember saying to my boyfriend ‘but I’m so weird’ and he replied ‘trust me, you can’t be as weird as she is’. I think he even feels a little left out sometimes 🙂 haha thanks for the tip, I’ll try that next time! Hope you enjoyed my posts 🙂

      • janeybgood says:

        Thank you! It’s better to do this with my free time than dressing my dog as a sailor. I’m reading through your stuff, it’s great. I love your writing style!

      • Tallulah "Lulu" Stark says:

        I’m eventually going to try my hand (under my real name) at a semi-comedic blog. Currently, I’m working on something that’s like “10 things to stop doing to your kids immediately”. But, it’s a bit controversial and maybe a little mean toward the parents that think those things are positive parenting practices. And it’s not just coming from me as a parent. It’s coming from me as an educator!

      • janeybgood says:

        I find your blog so interesting. I’m going to have a proper sit down and read it when I’m on my laptop and not on my phone. I can relate a lot to it.
        I think writing comedy (or at least attempting to) is a great outlet for stress. I find it liberating.
        As educators, I do think we get a great insight into parenting. I know it’s not the same thing, but we deal with many of the same pressures. I actually teach teenagers so I’ve put up with a lot. Wouldn’t change it for the world though! I think your idea is great, go for it!

      • Tallulah "Lulu" Stark says:

        I teach babies through preteens. It just depends on the current need, time of year, and programs that are taking place. And kudos to you for taking on teens. Not something I ever, ever want to do. Elementary kids are mean enough.

        I’m a mom, but I’m also a teacher. And if you look at it a certain way, we get a perspective on parenting from the outside. We get to see what really works through a child’s developmental progress. And what really, really doesn’t.

        I want to smack parents that come into parent / teacher meetings that sit down and say, “What did they do wrong this time?” With an attitude like that, you’re practically encouraging it!!!

      • janeybgood says:

        Exactly. I’ve really had to bite my tongue when I get parents like that. I remember I had this lovely student, only 13, who was so bright and well-mannered. She always seemed so eager to please. Her father just didn’t want to hear any praise. She was a straight A student and still nothing was good enough for him. I actually told him that he should take more pride in her because with a little encouragement, she could be even more amazing. He just wanted the bad stuff.
        I actually find teens ok. I had thought about primary (elementary) teaching but as much as I love kids, I think I’d find it more difficult. Perhaps I’m haunted my memories of when I did some yard supervision!

      • Tallulah "Lulu" Stark says:

        Yard supervision is the worst. Do you know how many accident reports I’ve had to fill out because of clumsy children? And then the parents act like I’m neglecting their kids. I’m thinking, “I was looking right at your awkward kid that you never let outside when they tripped over their own feet while running!”

      • janeybgood says:

        Not to mention any medical conditions. I just found the constant “get off that!” “Stop running!” “Get that out of your mouth!” quite stressful. At least teenagers are lazy.

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