Boyfriend Translator- What he really means

What he says:

I totally know where we are. It’s cool.

What he means:

We’re hopelessly lost but I’d rather eat glue than ask for directions.

What he says:

The end of Marley and Me? Yeah, pretty sad…but I’m a guy, I don’t cry.

What he means:

Part of my soul died the day I saw that movie. Now please don’t ever bring it up again.

What he says:

I’d love to help you sweetheart, but I don’t know how to use the vacuum cleaner.

What he means:

Of course I know how to use the vacuum cleaner. I just don’t want to clean.

What he says:

You can have anything you want. It’s on me.

What he means:

As long as you order from the kid’s section and you share with me.

What he says:

Are you kidding? My Mother’s gonna love you.

What he means:

As long as you wear a purity ring, dress like a nun and answer every question with ‘yes, master.’

What he says:

I prefer when you don’t wear make-up.

What he means:

I don’t wanna wait for three hours while you’re getting ready.

What he says:

Sure, I’ll kill that spider for you. It’s only little.

What he means:

ohmygod, ohmygod, I’ve to go within a foot of a freakin’ spider! Where’s my can of deodorant and my lighter?

What he says:

I totally was not checking out that other girl’s boobs. I’ve only got eyes for you.

What he means:

That girl’s boobs were HUGE!

What he says:

What will I do when you go out with your girlfriends? Oh, probably just drink some beer and watch the game.

What he means:

I’m going to watch all the re-runs of ‘Sex and the City’ that I secretly TiVo’d.

What he says:

I don’t get scared at horror movies. That wasn’t bad.

What he means:

I’ll be hugging myself under my duvet all night in fear.

What he says:

I can totally bench like 200 lbs.

What he means:

If you divide it by ten.

What he says:

I never had a teddy bear. How lame.

What he means:

As long as she doesn’t talk to my Mom, she’ll never find out about Mr. Hugsalot.

What he says:

I’m not jealous.

What he means:

If he ever talks to you again, I will rip his head off and use it as a bowling ball.

What he says:

The last song I listened to? Um, probably something by Metallica.

What he means:

‘You Raise Me Up’ by Josh Groban.

What he says:

Of course I like your cat.

What he means:

It scares the crap out of me.

What he says:

Bradley Cooper is so lame.

What he means:

I wish I was Bradley Cooper.

What he says:

Of course I like your Mother.

What he means:

If I marry you, and you turn out like her, I will throw you off a bridge.

What he says: 

Who’s going? Um, just a couple of the guys.

What he means:

And their single female friends but I’m too afraid to tell you.

What he says:

I had like, seventeen beers, and was totally fine.

What he means:

I had four beers and woke up with my tongue stuck to a pole.

What he says:

I can play lead guitar.

What he means:

I can play Kumbaya on the recorder.