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Farting in front of your partner… deal breaker?

Yes, I’m a grown-up and I’m writing a blog entry about farting. Well, to be more specific, farting in front of your significant other. But before you decide that this is too immature even for an Adam Sandler film, just bear with me.

Recently, a friend of mine got engaged to her boyfriend of three years. When we went out for celebratory drinks, she motioned for me to come closer. She drunkenly whispered in my ear “I farted in front of my fiancé for the first time today.” I was completely astounded. How in the blue blazes did they get to engagement stage without overcoming this vital stage in a relationship? Oh, so you don’t think it’s important? Okay. Imagine you’re in a room full of ten people. Now ask yourself “what’s the most embarrassing thing that could happen to me in their company?” Behind crapping your pants (sorry), projectile vomiting or everyone finding your Barry Manilow CD collection, farting probably ranks pretty high. Because it’s still taboo. Even though EVERYONE does it, we still find it embarrassing. So when you’re in a relationship, the first fart is one of those milestones you inevitably will face. Little did I know; what I began, my boyfriend won’t cease.

He’s going to kill me for this. Not literally kill me, of course. But he will yell at me like I just trampled his “Murder, She Wrote” DVD collection in six inch stilettos. The way I look at it though, if he doesn’t want me writing about his farting then why does he take such pleasure in it? Why? I’m asking you, universe!
I’m going to get this out of the way good and early because I’m not a hypocrite. I fart. The girls are nodding in solidarity. The men are shaking their heads and closing their eyes slowly in sheer disbelief. A girl… farting. It’s just… it’s not right guys, is it? Except that yes, it actually is. Firstly, I assure you that we’re anatomically and biologically quite similar to you (minus the genitals of course). Girls’ insides are not composed of Care Bears and rainbows, but gas producing organs just like you guys! The HORROR! So yes, occasionally, I fart. As does everyone else. Next time you get stuck talking to some sanctimonious snob at a dinner party, think to yourself: ‘he/she farts.’ Nothing will make them more human.

Anyway, the start of a relationship is fraught with nerves. “Will he think it’s cute or insanely weird that I still have teddy bears?” “When will it be acceptable to actually finish a giant steak in front of him?” “Will he break up with me when he sees how Norman Bates I get during my period?” Etc etc. The worst of these, and I’m sure many of you will agree, is the first fart. I assume since my boyfriend is attracted to women, he is attracted to femininity. I don’t really believe in gender roles. I think guys/girls should be able to do what the hell they want without worrying about being labeled as “blokey” if you’re a girl or “sissy” if you’re a boy but that’s for another day.
The thing is though that when you’re with someone, and especially at first, you do what you can to keep their attraction to you alive. Farting in front of your boyfriend is probably not top of most women’s list of seduction tips. But I knew it had to happen at some stage. I was tired of leaving the room. I was sick of holding it in. So one day I tried to do the mature thing and I brought it up.
‘I think we should talk about farting. I fart. You fart. We need to just get that out there and be comfortable about it.’ He clearly wasn’t ready yet. His response? ‘I don’t fart.’ Of course, I knew this was a lie. It turned out actually to be on a par with “I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman.” But because he seemed genuinely embarrassed, I left him alone. That didn’t stop me from breaking the ice (and some wind, hey-oh!!). I started farting in front of him. Not a lot, mind you. Now I know you’ll just think I’m trying to regain some of the dignity that I have inevitably lost in this piece, but I don’t fart that much. To be fair, my only comparison is Jack and I’m sure he’s broken world records at this stage. But it was enough of an amount to relieve me of any embarrassment. I soon got used to it. His reaction? He found it mildly amusing and profoundly disturbing. But whatever.

So, one day we’re in my Dad’s house cleaning out my closet (in a literal sense, not a metaphorical Eminem sense) and PARP (I will kindly take onomatopoeic suggestions) he let one rip! Now, instead of owning up he tried to pass it off as the floorboards creaking but I could tell by the mildly relieved look on his face that he had cut the cheese. And that was it. His first fart. It was beautiful in a way. But what was to follow, I just had no way of preparing for it. I knew that he was now okay to fart in front of me and I imagined it would be a still fairly rare occurrence. Sweet Heinz Baked Beans, was I wrong. The last nine years have been a symphony of blusters and smells so otherworldly that Heston Blumenthal will probably be in touch any day to fashion some kind of edible slurry pit from them. The aim of this is not to embarrass him (and if it is, does that make me bad?) but simply to wonder why the hell men love farting so much? I mean, I created a monster. He went from shy and unassuming to downright aggressive with his farting. I have been shushed in mid-sentence because “THIS IS GOING TO BE A GOOD ONE!” I have been subjected to countless guerrilla Dutch Ovens. He has tried to fart on my head. He farts down the phone. He wafts them towards me in the car and holds the electric window button so I can’t be relived of the hideous odour. Maybe it’s punishment for my naivety in assuming that farting in front of each other could bring us closer together. Instead, when I’m out grocery shopping, I actively avoid beetroot. He eats it on purpose. We’re still together. That’s love.

*picture from fart-sounds.net

89 comments

  1. This is a very funny and perceptive piece. George Carlin has a joke about “the kind of fart that could end a marriage.” And you’re right that men are generally more shameless about farting than women are. My wife has a rule: don’t fart in the bedsheets. I try to be chivalrous and leave the room before letting one rip (isn’t it funny how you can almost always accurately predict how bad a fart’s going to smell? why is that?), although i don’t always make it to the door in time, much to her suffocating horror. By the way, thanks for liking my latest blog piece. I look forward to reading more of your work.

    1. Thank you. I really enjoyed and admired your piece.
      I never thought this would become an issue in any relationship but boy was I wrong. My boyfriend is less chivalrous and actually seems to be quite sadistic with regard to his farting. Lately my mother was visiting and made him possibly the carbiest meal- full of wind-producing goodness. I audibly groaned as he shovelled the food into his mouth and he smiled menacingly at me across the table while wiggling his eyebrows. B**tard. Anyway thanks for your comment!

  2. :) So funny. I admit I fart too…but I’m with you…I don’t get guys huge enjoyment in farting. My best friend is a guy too and he will say things like “Breathe deep the gathering gloom…” or “Flatulation!” weirdo…but I love him.

  3. Funny
    This made me laugh
    Must be a day for farting
    Had a friend on Facebook bemoan having farted during a particularly tricky Pilates move in a very genteel class! Dilemma…can she go again next week or leave and always been known as the woman who farted!
    Haven’t considered the issue of farting for years…now twice in one day!

    1. Thanks!
      Haha, yeah that would be awkward. I guess it comes down to how much she likes the class but I probably wouldn’t go back. I wish I could be less embarrassed about it but it’s probably the most socially unacceptable thing to do around other people. Which might be a good thing in a way because I never realised how much guys fart.

      1. Do it while you are ‘sleeping’ and then have absolutely no idea about it if he bring it up.
        Silent, subtle, ninja revenge.

  4. The one thing about farts I learned the hard way. When I was very young I learned to NEVER trust one. I was maybe ten years old, when I thought I would let a silent one go in church. Well, two things happened. One it wasn’t silent, people three rows away heard it. I know because their kids turned around, looked at me and busted out laughing. And two it was very wet. NEVER TRUST A FART!

  5. Omg this is so funny.
    I googled “farting in front of your boyfriend” to see what the general consensus on it is. My guy HATES farting. Like he will hold it in around me until he is literally pissed off because of all the built up gas. You know how babies get upset because they get built up gas? He’s the same way, except he builds it all up on purpose! He has asked me to leave before because he had gas and had to perform a particularly horrendous bowel movement he didn’t want me in the same house to witness. It amazes me. He doesn’t want anything to do with my farts, either. Personally, I grew up with parents who passed gas with little regret, then made jokes about it, so I don’t mind farts. Like you said, everyone does it.
    I don’t understand. We’ve been together for over 2 years. I’ve only heard him fart in his sleep.. Ludacris as it sounds, it almost sort of worries me, like maybe my boyfriend needs therapy or something. I thought all men liked to fart outloud!! Oh well… maybe after reading this post and these comments, I should just count my blessings.

    1. Hi, thanks for your comment :)

      Wow, I wish my boyfriend was so bashful about farting. He’s ridiculously smug about his. Aw, your boyfriends obviously doesn’t want your opinion of him to change. It’s sweet :) and certainly more considerate than mine haha!

  6. Oh sweet magnetic jesus on a dashboard!! I’m still laughing, actually if I’m honest it’s more along the lines of cackling like a hyena at this point. This is a work of art, deserving of public acclaim and reward in honour on you taking it upon yourself to open the discourse into this perplexing phenom – the first fart.

    1. Thank you so much :) This has to be one of the best comments I’ve ever gotten, particularly the “sweet magnetic Jesus on a dashboard” part hahaha! Thanks for reading! :)

  7. Reblogged this on Unload and Unwind and commented:
    I’m still laughing, actually if I’m honest it’s more along the lines of cackling like a hyena at this point. This is a work of art, deserving of public acclaim and reward in honour of this brilliant lady taking it upon herself to open the discourse into this perplexing phenom – the first fart.

      1. It really is strange but it IS still a taboo and somehow a big deal. Maybe it’s natural selection, if you can’t get over this, maybe it’s not meant to be *haha*

  8. “Girls’ insides are not composed of Care Bears and rainbows, but gas producing organs just like you guys! The HORROR!
    -LOL!!!

    I’m happy though, that it’s not JUST my guy that does this stuff, the dutch ovens, the wafting. The hubby has come to terms that i fart, but he still has barriers about it. He will adamantly tell me about a wicked fart he had but if i try to tell him about one he just shakes his head.

    1. Haha, EXACTLY! I’m not allowed to discuss it at all really, he just makes this face at me. He is so proud of his own though. It’s horrific for me haha.
      Thanks for your comment :)

  9. This was so hilarious! And so true. Every last word. My husband and his nephew used to have farting contests in the big barn (larger than mist homes I have lived in) and expected us to rate them. Does he balk when I fart? He knows better. But he will make a joke about the “quality” of it. Please, do hide your matches and don’t let the guy watch Jackass episodes…

  10. Oh goodness, this was classic!

    “Girls’ insides are not composed of Care Bears and rainbows, but gas producing organs just like you guys!”

    “Sweet Heinz Baked Beans, was I wrong. The last nine years have been a symphony of blusters and smells so otherworldly that Heston Blumenthal will probably be in touch any day to fashion some kind of edible slurry pit from them.”

    I actually was gasping for air in-between laughs while reading. What you write is so true. Why? Why, why, why do they have to take it to that next level? Farting is fun, though. Some of my best memories are of my oldest daughter at the age of three waking me up by crash landing into me and the two of us snuggling and farting back and forth and giggling. It’s surprising how much gas can be produced at will.
    :)

    1. Haha, thanks for a lovely comment! That moment with your daughter is strangely adorable :) I was only talking about slap stick humour with a class of mine today and the first thing they said when I asked what makes them laugh was “farts. Definitely farts.” Hahaha

  11. Ah, potty humor! You make me laugh out loud. I used to teach middle school English. Believe me, the first fart you’re caught making in front of 25 sixth graders is a major hurdle to career, sanity, and happy life. Can you imagine what they will do in response? I don’t have to imagine. The boys held a loud-fart farting contest. The girls squealed and ran out. I followed the girls.

    1. I’m really hoping that that does not happen to me in class, but I’m sure it’s inevitable that it will haha! I can imagine my students never letting me live it down.

      “I followed the girls” hahaha, I chuckled!

  12. Very realistic, fresh and funny dissertation Jane. Congratulations.

    Even there is a famous poem from ancient spanish writer but, as all poems, it must be read in original

    I post it here for those who can understand spanish language

    Poema al Pedo. Por Francisco de Quevedo (1580-1645).

    Alguien me pregunto un día
    ¿Qué es un pedo?
    y yo le conteste muy quedo:
    el pedo es un pedo,
    con cuerpo de aire y corazón de viento
    el pedo es como un alma en pena
    que a veces sopla, que a veces truena
    es como el agua que se desliza
    con mucha fuerza, con mucha prisa.

    El pedo es como la nube que va volando
    y por donde pasa va fumigando,
    el pedo es vida, el pedo es muerte
    y tiene algo que nos divierte;
    el pedo gime, el pedo llora
    el pedo es aire, el pedo es ruido
    y a veces sale por un descuido
    el pedo es fuerte, es imponente
    pues se los tira toda la gente.

    En este mundo un pedo es vida
    porque hasta el Papa bien se lo tira
    hay pedos cultos e ignorantes
    los hay adultos, también infantes,
    hay pedos gordos, hay pedos flacos,
    según el diámetro de los tacos
    hay pedos tristes, los hay risueños
    según el gusto que tiene el dueño

    Si un día algún pedo toca tu puerta
    no se la cierres, déjala abierta
    deja que sople, deja que gire
    a ver si hay alguien que lo respire.

    También los pedos son educados
    pues se los tiran los licenciados,
    el pedo tiene algo monstruoso
    pues si lo aguantas te lleva al pozo
    este poema se ha terminado
    con tanto pedo que me he tirado.

  13. I love this, and not just because I came back from Costa Rica this week with a new friend, a nasty parasite that’s eating me from the inside out and causing massive (and I mean ginormous) bouts of gas. I can now say I’m someone who can clear a room which includes my 13 year-old son, who, on a normal day would think mom farts were awesome. Now he’s like, “That’s seriously disgusting, mom.” In fact, I think you’ve inspired a new post. “What Not to Bring Back from Costa Rica,” including a Japanese tourist who walked around the rain forrest all day in a banana hammock, crocs, and a pair of binoculars.

    1. Oh I feel your pain. I went to the Canary Islands two years ago and picked up some weird bug that must have hated my guts (literally) because of the damage he did. Like you, no one wanted to be around me when my, erm, symptoms were at their worst.

      That post would be amazing. I am very intrigued (and frankly, a little frightened) by this Japanese tourist.

  14. Oh My God, She’s going to be spending the whole rest of her engagement farting. Cleaning out all those withheld farts, so she doesn’t ruin her wedding day. As far as I’m concerned, the fart is the first sign of intimacy, and if you can’t fart in front of the one you love, then you can’t possibly love him.

  15. “Next time you get stuck talking to some sanctimonious snob at a dinner party, think to yourself: ‘he/she farts.’ Nothing will make them more human.” That bit had me creasing. I can’t lie.

    Great post, I loved it.

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